It’s Just Coffee. Settle the Fuck Down.
I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about.
Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the job done as quickly as possible. It’s not a reason to wake up in the morning and it’s not a philosophy.
In that case, coffee is exactly like a penis because that’s what both are to women: a reason to live.
Men are better than women at coffee. First of all, women make shitty coffee. The man-invented coffee maker does a perfect job of making perfect coffee. Then women go and fuck it up with two packs of sugar and a half pint of cream. Why not just drink caffeinated honey, you big fat fucks?
Also, women are simple and retarded.
Simple and Retarded
When men drink coffee, it doesn’t become the focal point of our personalities. It’s just coffee. Settle the fuck down. Men are complex and interesting and there are better things in the world for us to base our personalities on. Faster things. Louder things. Things that are immortalized in bronze and steel. Men cost more than $3.65 plus tip.
Women are simple and boring. They only mature enough in their crappy lives to embrace a handful of simple and boring things. Things like dogs and babies and weddings. Weddings are so simple women can actually plan them with little help from men. That’s because you can’t fuck up a wedding. Weddings are already permafucked.
Women have the maturity level of circus freaks. If they’re not bored out of their skulls sitting at a nice restaurant with nothing interesting to say and no one to give a fuck about it, then they’re ecstatic with mania. Women only have two levels on their emotional thermostat: Dead and Crazy. That’s why they obsess about the simple trinkets in their lives — like coffee — with the tenacity of spoiled two year olds.
Also, women are full of shit.
Full of Shit
When a man is busy, he gives off the impression that he is busy. When a woman is an abject failure at life, she compiles a universe of quirks and preferences to give off the impression that she’s busy. An obsession with coffee is a perfect example of this.
Coffee is the first and easiest shortcut to martyrdom. After all, if a woman is so dangerously addicted to coffee, doesn’t that mean her daily struggles and Woman Workload require almost a man-sized supply of energy?
Any woman who is obsessed with coffee is trying to tell you something:
“Appreciate me for how hard I work at looking like I’m working hard.”
Man Zen.
Self-Obsession is easier than Self-Improvement.
Coffee is to women what boobs are to men. No matter what’s happening around us, we’re still partly thinking about boobs. The same goes for women and coffee. The difference is that a man-brain can be divided into many different tasks. Dividing a she-brain is like trying to fold a CD in half. If you try to, make sure you don’t wear protective goggles because that would be a loss of Man Points.
Asking a woman to embrace anything more complicated than “beans plus heat equals coffee” is like expecting a couch to fit in your buddy’s Civic. Asking a woman to obsess about nostalgia and sloth, however, is like not asking her anything at all and letting her continue about her daily business — which was obsessing about nostalgia and sloth.
Coffee is about putting fire in your brain so you can get off your ass and start pounding rivets. It’s not meant to be enjoyed.
“What’s a rivet?” says a woman.
Rivets are like men. They hold the world together.
Case Studies in the Self-Obsession and False Martyrdom of a Female Coffee Obsession:
Mommy Needs Coffee!
Busy Mom!
Coffee Mom!
*Listed in order of fatness
Leave it to a mother to think of a way to “need” a break from the permanent vacation of motherhood.
Related Articles:
March 6th, 2008 at 2:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Wow, that was pointless. Did you just pick a random thing (coffee) and then try and babble on about nothing…? Because that is what you just did.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Every post is him rambling over some pointless topic, and it always ends up reslulting in one of the limited but reused topics: we make horrible mothers, are idiots, whores, full of shit, self-obsessed, talk too much, and are useless. But, that doesn’t stop me from continuously posting.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:04 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Oh, just shut up you bitches and get some more coffee.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0cde49f3f92a9
Hilary, that is because you are a horrible mother, an idiot, a whore, full of shit, self-obsessed, you talk to much, and you are fucking useless.
You take pride in posting on a website that hates you for your stupid ways, and yet you keep posting, what a mark of pride and respect, that you can keep writing on the internet.
Go die.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
I don’t take any pride, just pure entertainment. Your response just adds to the pure and delicious fun I get out of posting, not quite pride. Oh, and I don’t intend on dying anytime soon, although, you never know.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Who’s entertainment do you get out of it? Yours?
Is your life so lonely, so sad that ‘attempting to piss off random people on the internet’ is your sole joy in life?
Tsk, tsk.
You fail at the game of life. No need to retaliate; you simply fail.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 970aa0e2b9589
Maybe what Dick was getting at was the importance women assign to certain things as opposed to men. Polite conversation is one that comes to my mind. For example, if we are waiting in line at the supermarket and I strike up a conversation with you it is only because I wish to pass the time more quickly and perhaps I’m guessing you’ve got something interesting or witty to say. IT’S NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK YOU! OR THAT I AM DISSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE, OR THAT YOU’RE HOT, ETC.
OK? Stop the self-flattery.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Hey, they do the exact same thing, at least most of them do. It’s not my goal to piss them off, it’s just a pleasant bonus. Besides, who ever said that was my sole joy in life? Having fun paraphrasing to make yourself seem lije the better man? Oops, excuse me, bigger woman.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I’ll admit, it is pretty entertaining to discover what new crazy ideas Dick has come up with. It is even more entertaining to watch how pissed off you men get. It is also very entertaining to be able to sit back and KNOW how wrong and hateful you men are… but you are all so clueless. You discriminate against half of the population… all because we are biologically different… it’s sad really… I just feel kind of sorry for all you because you either a)Have had a shitty relationship with a girl that you have not been able to move past or b)Have had a horrible relationship with your mother that you have not learned how to get over yet. It’s sad you fail to recognize any good qualities in women. Yes women are emotional and a bit neurotic, yes some women are whores… yes some women are HORRIBLE mothers… point? I know some pretty shitty fathers too… I know guys who have rated women, I know men who are in jail, I know men who are alcoholics and destroyed their families… but do I hate men? No, of course not because not all men are like that. Like I have said before on other blogs, I would have nothing to say if Dick and you guys were like “some women…yada yada ya..” or “i knew a woman who was…” or “my girlfriend is a …” but it’s the fact you say all women are like this…. it must suck waking up with so much hate in your hearts. And you can sit there and say “we dont HATE them” but really… you must… because you say things about women that most people would only say about their enemies. Do I believe Dick truly hates women… I dont know, I’ll go with no because I think this whole thing is a publicity stunt that probably only started out by him venting over some chick who didnt want his sorry ass anymore. How would you all feel, honestly, if I started a site tomorrow about how all black people are stupid, worthless, don’t know how to have sex, are whores, only care about money… etc.? Because that is what you are doing, but instead of using black people you are targetting women… women who have been oppressed for the majority of time… and now it’s like a bunch of bullshitters are trying to stir up shit and dangerous ways of thinking… nevermind, this is so pointless. It’s so obvious I’m trying to communicate with a bunch of uneducated morons.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
raped women*****
March 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Who’s ‘they’? ‘They’ do the exact same thing? As in… the MEN that are welcome here more than you and me are? They have every right to get on your case because not only do you say the most idiotic things in here, but you don’t contribute whatsoever to the knowledge that Dick or any other random man says. You simply dismiss it.. for what? ‘Fun’.
All I’m saying is, you could be having a lot more fun doing other things than trying to piss off strangers on the internet.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Oh and btw:
Yeah, not reading that shit.
Looks like someone is hopped up some coffee though….