It’s Just Coffee. Settle the Fuck Down.
I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about.
Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the job done as quickly as possible. It’s not a reason to wake up in the morning and it’s not a philosophy.
In that case, coffee is exactly like a penis because that’s what both are to women: a reason to live.
Men are better than women at coffee. First of all, women make shitty coffee. The man-invented coffee maker does a perfect job of making perfect coffee. Then women go and fuck it up with two packs of sugar and a half pint of cream. Why not just drink caffeinated honey, you big fat fucks?
Also, women are simple and retarded.
Simple and Retarded
When men drink coffee, it doesn’t become the focal point of our personalities. It’s just coffee. Settle the fuck down. Men are complex and interesting and there are better things in the world for us to base our personalities on. Faster things. Louder things. Things that are immortalized in bronze and steel. Men cost more than $3.65 plus tip.
Women are simple and boring. They only mature enough in their crappy lives to embrace a handful of simple and boring things. Things like dogs and babies and weddings. Weddings are so simple women can actually plan them with little help from men. That’s because you can’t fuck up a wedding. Weddings are already permafucked.
Women have the maturity level of circus freaks. If they’re not bored out of their skulls sitting at a nice restaurant with nothing interesting to say and no one to give a fuck about it, then they’re ecstatic with mania. Women only have two levels on their emotional thermostat: Dead and Crazy. That’s why they obsess about the simple trinkets in their lives — like coffee — with the tenacity of spoiled two year olds.
Also, women are full of shit.
Full of Shit
When a man is busy, he gives off the impression that he is busy. When a woman is an abject failure at life, she compiles a universe of quirks and preferences to give off the impression that she’s busy. An obsession with coffee is a perfect example of this.
Coffee is the first and easiest shortcut to martyrdom. After all, if a woman is so dangerously addicted to coffee, doesn’t that mean her daily struggles and Woman Workload require almost a man-sized supply of energy?
Any woman who is obsessed with coffee is trying to tell you something:
“Appreciate me for how hard I work at looking like I’m working hard.”
Man Zen.
Self-Obsession is easier than Self-Improvement.
Coffee is to women what boobs are to men. No matter what’s happening around us, we’re still partly thinking about boobs. The same goes for women and coffee. The difference is that a man-brain can be divided into many different tasks. Dividing a she-brain is like trying to fold a CD in half. If you try to, make sure you don’t wear protective goggles because that would be a loss of Man Points.
Asking a woman to embrace anything more complicated than “beans plus heat equals coffee” is like expecting a couch to fit in your buddy’s Civic. Asking a woman to obsess about nostalgia and sloth, however, is like not asking her anything at all and letting her continue about her daily business — which was obsessing about nostalgia and sloth.
Coffee is about putting fire in your brain so you can get off your ass and start pounding rivets. It’s not meant to be enjoyed.
“What’s a rivet?” says a woman.
Rivets are like men. They hold the world together.
Case Studies in the Self-Obsession and False Martyrdom of a Female Coffee Obsession:
Mommy Needs Coffee!
Busy Mom!
Coffee Mom!
*Listed in order of fatness
Leave it to a mother to think of a way to “need” a break from the permanent vacation of motherhood.
Related Articles:
March 7th, 2008 at 6:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
oh and PS: stop calling me “kiddo” and shit like that, I’m almost 21 and have experienced more shit than most people do in their life time, so u may as well drop it.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: a68d65197e50f
Hell, if you all want to meet racists check out my grandparents. Anyone pales in comparison to them. They are also homophobic and love to comment on fat people. But, they area amusing and I love ‘em, they’re real characters.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60b9632657c7c
Whenever these girls are allowed to keep yammering, they always manage to spit out something more ignorant.
-Dick
March 7th, 2008 at 8:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
They really are disgusting. I suppose I’m beginning to see how a manhole is capable of calling herself a civil rights advocate and then praising the incarceration of African-American males - which they do every time they applaud the modern justice system. It’s just good that there are more and more digests like this out there, unafraid to provide us with sources and data to support their claims. It never is easy to do the right thing, but it always makes sense, is sustainable, is strengthened by criticism, and most importantly - it works.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: e5ec0e56ca184
We don’t care about your problems. Word.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/8/8e/Whambulance2.jpg
March 7th, 2008 at 9:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I never once applauded the justice system HAHA!!! omg. And I’m not racist… or prejudice!!! Which you guys are… well you are prejudice that’s for sure. Also I have my own flaws with the justice system seeing how a MALE broke into my cousins house tonight and I responded an hour before the police, weird.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
There is a God.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Ha ha, karma does exist!
Wow, that just made my day. Poppin’ a track into the old stereo:
http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/f/fa/Rape_cd.jpg
Good luck gathering up the lynch mob. I hear them niggers be rapin’ them white wimmins again! Tey attit again!
March 8th, 2008 at 2:23 am - IP Man-Hash: 1a05790e35c35
Jesus, what the hell is the deal with a woman being a feminist then saying the word rape over and over again. I know by saying this I am going to have to look at some bogus WS statistics that some ludicrous amount of women have been raped, and by raped we mean had sex when they had a headache. Statistics are not used in the hard sciences, for a reason, because they don’t really mean anything.
March 8th, 2008 at 5:53 am - IP Man-Hash: 6e7093b0efb6b
Ignore them. If you respond, address them directly, or otherwise prod them, it will only encourage them and make their blather worse. They may say something to instigate a comment, but do your best not to respond.
Dick is right about coffee. Coffee isn’t an event or social activity. It’s something you use so you can get stuff done. You shouldn’t drink it with “2 and a half creams, a sugar, a drop of caramel, and foam.” You should drink it black, so you can start building bridges and saving people from burning buildings, as soon as possible.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 59419be21c336
You ain’t kidding. I bet by ‘experienced more shit than most people’ she really just meant enduring in a few gang bangs and possibly stealing a lipstick from the mall.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:22 am - IP Man-Hash: 04adeba9bbe86
Doubt: everybody can see from this post, that you are just licking Master Dick’s potentially pimple-covered ass.
How about some good old-fashioned American, independent, creative, critical thinking from you?
March 8th, 2008 at 10:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 04adeba9bbe86
Unlikely. Otherwise, you would already been electrocuted by a directed thunderbolt many times over for all the non-specific hatred you express.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:47 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Once at work a funnel cloud was forming above us and I said a silent prayer for my enemies to be struck down.
Then the next day my ex’s town was the only one for 50 miles with major damage and all electricity disabled.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:13 am - IP Man-Hash: 657e365c4fa8b
Sounds like you don’t live too far away from me, SOTS. Maybe one day we will meet in the mosh-pit of a “Tool” concert. Tool rocks!
March 8th, 2008 at 11:21 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
I don’t mix with moderates.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:40 am - IP Man-Hash: fff69eb7c9496
Unfortunately your mind has to catch up with your body, kiddo.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:47 am - IP Man-Hash: fff69eb7c9496
Don’t worry, I’ll stop trying to pull you out of your imaginary world of suffering. It’s obvious it’s the only way you can keep from ending it all. Poor kid, one day I hope you can see how pathetic your pity party really is.
March 8th, 2008 at 12:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60bbd967a6d59
A cunt like you needs to serve time in the Army… to teach you respect and overturn your notions of unearned privilege and entitlement. You sound like you’ve served in the ‘Nam or something - but you’re just a cossetted, pimple-faced college cunt.