Columbo Is Better Than Murder She Wrote
Men are like grapes. We’re awesome when we’re young, and we’re awesome when we’re old and rasin-y.
Women are like broken pianos. They’re 500 pounds, they sound like shit, and in order to get rid of one you’re going to have to do some serious conning. Also, when a broken piano is 70 years old, it still isn’t worth a damn without fifty grand of restoration.
When I think of an old man, I think of things like a glass of Scotch and a cigar and lewd comments being made to cute waitresses. Classy things that old women want no part of. When I think of an old woman, I think of the smell of spoiled soap. Soap can’t spoil. That’s why old women smell so fucking distracting.
Every time I ask an old man how I’m doing, he says the same thing: “Dick, you’re doing awesome.” That’s because men know how to answer everything correctly. Age only perfects that. Old women just nag and nag and nag like anyone gives a shit about their opinion.
Women’s opinions are like their assholes. As a man, you’re supposed to stay the fuck away from it.
As I understand it, menopause takes away a woman’s sex drive. I don’t know when women get menopause, but based on the number of “30″ year olds cruising for meat at the local bars, I’m going to guess 41. Without a sex drive, women have no need to suppress their overwhelming instinct to behave fucking terribly.
Old men still have a life of manchievements ahead of them despite their fast-approaching expiration date.
At age 68, Burt Munro set a world record for land speed on a motorcycle.
At age 45, George Foreman won the boxing heavyweight championship of the world.
At age 80, Hugh Hefner might have gotten it on with three hot ladies.
I’m not certain on that last one, but it certainly appears to be the case, and really that’s just as big of an accomplishment.
Men are better than women at being old because we know a little something about curves. That’s why we like women so much. They have curves. Attention fat women: curves require inward curves as well. A blimp doesn’t have any curves and neither does a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Old men know that life is a curve. It curves up, then it curves down; and you better have some good stories or good lewd things to say to cute waitresses when it does. Old women wouldn’t know a curve if it was shaped like a pancake or a scrambled eggs hanging off a nail — or a half filled water balloon.
I’m talking about boobs obviously. Old women are gross.
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May 3rd, 2007 at 5:53 am - IP Man-Hash: 6519ef11a3f3c
Old women are gross indeed. Did you ever see that movie ‘Boomerang’ with Eddie Murphy? Was I the only one that wanted to hurl when that old lady tried to seduce him by saying “Marrrrrrrrrcus, I’m not wearing any panties”?
May 3rd, 2007 at 6:38 am - IP Man-Hash: d4fa8b220332f
Well I see 2 types of old women. The slutty ones who still think they are hot, and the little old ladies who are nice. I mean, I always like to hav e talk with the second type while waiting or shopping and they are great.
Here’s to more of the younger generation acting like their elders!
May 3rd, 2007 at 7:20 am - IP Man-Hash: eb0abc12ab24f
The older Type 1 gets, the sluttier. Which isn’t so bad if they can hold the illusion together long enough to get you drunk enough to put your dick in a vending machine if it had a skirt on it. Just make sure you’re not so drunk you can’t leave before morning because, damn.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 606c4d61f5fea
I have it on good authority that Hef DOES indeed bang those ladies. Very, good, authority.
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Thanks for the tip, david. How good an authority?
-Dick
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: d4fa8b220332f
Even if he didn’t bang them, he still deserves a tonne of man points. All those women, and they all respect him.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
Even more than Hugh Hefner (man points there though), I always admired James Doohan. Landed at Juno on D-Day, shot two snipers, lead his men to their objective, was shot 6 times that night (losing a finger), simply retrained as a pilot rather than invaliding home.
Slalomed his plane through mountain telegraph poles like a skier, to show it could be done.
Became Scotty. “Beam me up”. Warp Factor 9.
But that’s not why I admire him.
Married for decades (back in the 70’s) til his death, he fathered a child at age 80. With his wife.
Now that’s manly to be able to temporarily turn back woman-o-pause.
Show me a woman who had a day like James Doohan’s on D-Day. Show me a woman who did one tenth of what he did.
-wolfe
May 3rd, 2007 at 11:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb0abc12ab24f
Don’t you know? That’s any western woman. Just ask one, she’ll tell you. Stock up on No-Doz first though.
May 4th, 2007 at 6:18 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Actually, it seems Doohan fathered at 80 with his third wife. Who was 18 when he married her.
Now, that’s manly. Somewhat selfish but manly to be sure. The kids will grow up fatherless.
May 4th, 2007 at 7:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
@Sony — he was married for decades to the same woman, which, surprise, is what I said. In his case, it appears the third time was the charm.
As for selfishness, if it was deliberate on his part, then, sure, it wasn’t a good thing. But I’m assuming the pregnancy was a surprise, and the alternative of killing the child isn’t one I’d have approved. It’s difficult to characterize it as ’selfish’ as a result.
As for them growing up fatherless, studies seem to indicate that children where the father ‘left’ by dying are significantly better off than children where the mother divorced the father.
-wolfe
May 4th, 2007 at 8:45 am - IP Man-Hash: c561cb7ddaeda
Because even a child can understand death, but not female selfishness and whorishness.
May 4th, 2007 at 9:37 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
How can this be construed other than to mean he fathered a child to a menopausal woman? I naturally assumed one, same wife.
Saying it seems a tad selfish to father intentionally (implicitly - though a keen distinction) at that age is rather far from advocating abhortion.
Especially since you already know my stance thereon.
May 4th, 2007 at 9:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4136c1534ed3c
I read from some of Hefs leading ladies that he still tries. He has a tough time getting it up and keeping it up. He has a doctor with him at all times just in case he gets too worked up.
May 5th, 2007 at 1:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
Correct. And looking at his wife, she was late 30’s early 40’s when he fathered the child. If that isn’t woman-o-pausal — I don’t know what is.
(Take a look at women’s fertility and the chances of giving birth to a stable sane intelligent baby in their late 30’s. It nosedives like a rocket programmed with reverse polarity.)
Right, and my point was that he didn’t do so intentionally — obviously — therefore why hit at the guy?
There was a man. Ecce Homo. Behold the man. And all you could do was complain that maybe he was selfish or married three times. (wrong, right).
One of the great elements of wisdom in your life, and I respect it. At least it’s a point we can generally agree on.
-wolfe
July 7th, 2007 at 9:58 am - IP Man-Hash: 6e277a890b33d
Columbo is so much better,its no contest at all!!!!Fletcher would get beaten by Marple!!!Marple would get beaten Poirot …badly,she is already no match for him at all!!!Poirot would still get beaten by Adrian Monk and Sherlock holmes,but not by much,either would just beat him in very very close battle of wits(not even garanteed),and Columbo would at the end beat Monk and Holmes in even closer battles!!!!But as i say,Fletcher is already no match for Poirot,who would get beaten by Columbo!!!!!!!!Its no contest!!!Columbo is far better,not everybody is really any match for him!!!!!!
March 1st, 2008 at 4:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: c7d2229b193a0
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