Ask Dick: What is a Donkey Punch?

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Out of the hundreds of men I have asked, only one has known the true and correct definition of The Donkey Punch.

The Donkey Punch is like the Highlander. There can be only one. Prepare to be educated.

The Donkey Punch is a sexual move like the missionary position or the threesome; and like most sexual moves, you can actually do it.

Here’s a list of things that the Donkey Punch is not is.

The Donkey Punch is not jizzing on a girl’s face and then punching her in the mouth.

That’s called assault and battery and it will send you straight to prison. It will also fuck up a girl’s face. Unless you’re the type of person who shits in mailboxes, fucking up a woman’s face on purpose is a major loss of Man Points. That’s like taking candy from a baby. It’s all they have.

The Donkey Punch is not hitting a girl in the head while you’re boning her.

Punching a woman in the head does nothing for your physical pleasure and might break your hand. It’s called a “boxer’s break”, and if you’re not a former boxer, let me tell you something about breaking your fist on someone’s head. It’s a loss of Man Points. The Man Points are doubled if that head belonged to a woman.

Breaking your hand on a head: -500 Man Points
…on a woman’s head: -1,000 Man Points
…while you’re nailing her: -10,000 Man Points

If you want to risk your Man Points, then that’s up to you.

The Donkey Punch is not striking a woman at the base of her neck during orgasm.

Women are like pinball machines. You put money in, you don’t get anything but a good time, and if you smack them around too much, it’s game over. A restraining order is the Tilt of life.

Smack it hard enough and you’ll break the machine. Then no one has any more fun.

What the Donkey Punch is, is a punch delivered to a woman’s ass during intercourse. That’s it. Try it yourself and you’ll know why they call it a Donkey Punch. If you disagree, why not invent a sexual move that involves a woman jumping off a roof and landing on your cock. Call it the Stupid Jackass.

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