Fat Women: Stay Home!


Every weekend, millions of dumpy, 20-something sluts decide not to go to a nightclub because they’re an eyesore to men and an embarrassment to their species. Thank you ladies for doing that. You cows may be good for nothing, but at least you have the decency to be fat-fuck slobs in the privacy of your own homes.

Unfortunately, thousands of these behemoths opt to cover themselves in a sequin tarp and head out anyway. Thankfully for us, they get turned away at the door. Anyplace that sets their drink prices at 15 dollars a pop should provide an atmosphere free of muffin tops, front cracks, and desperate whales. Trust me, you haven’t seen real desperation until you’ve been hit on by a drunk fat girl. A more pathetic spectacle of self-loathing, denial, and tears, I have not seen matched.

All this happens every weekend and up until today, no one has ever given a fuck. This weekend, however, some size 16 womanatee by the name of Georgina Mason decided to call the police about it.

Someone should have called the police on her fat ass — for fifty counts of negligent bonercide.

At first I thought this story was a joke. A women is turned away from a nightclub for being fat, calls the police, and this all happens in some town called Jersey? What’s next, Onion? Did a boy explode in Didn’tFartEnough-sylvania? I doubt it.

To my surprise, I learned that this hilarious story was real. Here is Georgina Mason’s side. See if you can hear her scarfing down the bangers and mash between each sentence.

“I told them not to be ridiculous and asked to speak to the manager. He would not look at me directly but said they’d received too many complaints about fat people. He told me to ‘go and lose some weight before you come in – fat people are bad for business’.”

Case closed. If you’re like me and have a doctorate in Obvious and a minor in Economics for Retards, you can easily spot the fallacy in young Georgina’s argument.

Many complaints are more expensive than one complaint.

Nightclubs are a business. They do not exist to make fat rejects feel good about themselves for being the same unwanted whore as their mother with an additional seventy pounds around the midsection. Deal with it, Georgina.

“I was disgusted he had the nerve to say this. My friend, who is only a size 14, was not allowed in either.”

For you men in the US, a UK size 14 is equivalent to a US size 10. But that’s kind of like saying shit smells “rank” in the UK and “wicked nasty” in the US. Shit is still shit. To really see what a UK size 14 looks like, get two of your buddies together and fuck a tubful of pudding. Now that’s disgusting!

English Women are Fucking Fat

England has some of the fatest, drunkest, most obnoxious donkey-sounding cunts in the world. Georgina Mason is but a chocolate chip in the the cookie of this fat epidemic. British contractors must install fun house mirrors instead of regular ones just for a laugh. At least, that’s the only way I can explain why this growing blight of fat British broads isn’t puking themselves skinny over the sight of their own naked reflections every morning.

English Women: if their teeth won’t make you limp, their fat asses, crass mouths, and out of control binge drinking will.

Don’t believe me? Just ask former Miss England hopeful Chloe Marshall. At sixteen stone (like a million pounds), that Grimace-shaped bitch ate her way into the headlines earlier this year — but not into a tiara.

Fat Girls Are Not Entitled to Dick

Nightclubs are not meant for “fun”. They’re a grim meat market all participants use to find their fuck de jour.

Dick Tip! If your girlfriend spends any time “clubbing” with the “girls” for “laughs”, dump her ass immediately. She’s two cosmos away from blowing some guy in the men’s room — or blowing some guy in the men’s WC as Georgina Mason was probably hoping to do.

To a woman, the modern nightclub is a paradise of male attention. And she loves it with every ounce of glittery blood pumping through her black heart. In a nightclub, the music is so loud women don’t run the risk of sounding stupid. In a nightclub, random, sexually suggestive gyrations are commonplace and can be done without shame for the purpose of alluring men. In a nightclub, no man can get in and out without dropping a hundred bucks.

Of course, all this is but a build up to every woman’s ultimate goal: blowing some guy in the fucking men’s room.

Only sick bastards want a blowjob from a fat girl.

It may be funny to say that fat girls give better head because they’re grateful for the human contact, but let’s remember that we’re talking about real people here. And real people get hungry. Nothing says she won’t think your dick is a corndog half way through and take a bite. That’s why fat girls aren’t allowed in nightclubs. They’re a safety hazard.

Nightclubs Are Sexist

I’ve been turned away from a nightclub for having too many penises more times than I can count. And did I call the police? No. I’m a man. I was thrilled because I fucking hate nightclubs. As a man, I also solve my own problems, and the quickest way to solve the above problem is by realizing it’s not a problem and shutting the fuck up. Cops have better things to do with their time than pretend you’re not an idiot.

No amount of money, style, or gab will counter the discrimination shown to men at your average nightclub. No amount of hitting the treadmill will either. It’s simply a question of how many sluts you bring to dump into the community pot.

And they certainly are sluts. Every girl at a nightclub is as garden variety a slut as you can find. But I will give them this: they’re not fat.

Yet.

Men are better than women at going to nightclubs. Mostly because we don’t want to fucking go in the first place. But if we do, at least we’re fuckable.

Cows are not allowed in nightclubs. Seeing eye dogs only!
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