Girl Bands Are Shit
Throughout history, musical prodigies who were all men have revolutionized music, leaving exotic new tapestries of sound behind for the world to enjoy. That’s called immortality and it’s completely off-limits to women.
In order to join the ranks of the immortal, you have to give the world something that can’t eventually cash a social security check. Women can’t do that. As a man, reaching your potential may take longer than 9 months.
But there’s another type of musician that’s equally important to music. Bands. Even though most of them suck, most bands are not the worst of the worst. Most bands are not girl bands.
Girl bands are shit.
Fuck Teamwork
Being in a band is like being in a cockblocking competition. Your weapon is your instrument, and your foe is every other man on Earth. Since the only cock women have ever had to block to get what they want is their husband’s, women don’t know the first thing about being in a band.
Competition is the spark plug of greatness.
Without musical competitiveness among band members, you end up with a mess lacking in conviction and full of trial and error. Girl bands are like middle-management teleconferences. Everyone wants to look as busy as possible, no one is actually doing anything, and it’s all out of sync because technology isn’t magic.
A fuzz box won’t make a girl a star. Only a penis will do that. See Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, or Heather Mills for an explanation.
Boyfriends
All girl bands have at least a hundred songs about their ex-boyfriends. The second girls learn to talk, boys are all they want to talk about. The second girls learn to write, boys are all they want to write notes about. If girls could learn to piss in the snow, guess what they would be pissing. Boys.
The reason girl bands who are successful are over-hyped monsters created from focus groups, is not because of marketing. It’s because “real” girl bands shoot themselves in the vagina with truckloads of repetitive and immature emotional horseshit. Not even PT Barnum could sell a “lesbian”-looking trio from Silverlake who don’t think it’s cool to put on mascara or lip liner while they sing half their songs about what it feels like to be used up sperm dumpsters.
At least the Spice Girls had snazzy boots.
Too Complicated
There are only three instruments that women can play with any kind of competence. Their voice, their hips, and a bass guitar. Everything else is way too complicated.
Until the four bass quartet is an actual thing anyone wants to listen to, girl bands can go fuck themselves.
No smoking in bars? How about no girl bands.
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March 28th, 2008 at 9:31 am - IP Man-Hash: 666508dec08b7
Biology lesson aside, I would say that a classic example of motherhood/ parenthood doesn’t necessarily equate actually giving birth to a child is adoptive parents. I’d say that a couple that commits to raising a child, as opposed to someone who for whatever reason gives theirs up for adoption, are no less of a parent than the biological parent. But then, I also have to say that I commend someone who gives their child up for adoption, rather than copping out and getting an abortion. At least the child has a chance.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 369bfee4084ad
@sarah:
Technically, the vagina is just the way to the exit for the baby. May I suggest you research the female reproductive system? You might take a look at the male reproductive system as well, as the one can’t work without the other.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
vaginas? babies? this has got fuck all to do with music.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:00 am - IP Man-Hash: 369bfee4084ad
This post was about music?
;)
March 28th, 2008 at 11:10 am - IP Man-Hash: fc0356eac0dee
Apparently feminists think that just because they talk out of their asses, they can sing from their vaginas.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:10 am - IP Man-Hash: c78a01921552a
Actually, with the way spears and her ilk use it to make money, I’m not so sure.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 666508dec08b7
Heck, if a vagina can have a monolog, I suppose it can have a sing-a-long too…..
March 28th, 2008 at 8:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 2b95f950f8905
Hmmm….. Well, I wonder why women weren’t a part of any of the eras of music you’re describing?? Maybe that’s because we were and still are suppressed? I think so. What was the momentum behind the Civil Rights Movement against slavery?? Women.
Earlier someone mentioned Janis Joplin?? I think she was pretty influential to music, don’t you? What about Joan Jett and the Blackhearts? Hmm..
March 28th, 2008 at 8:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Erin fuck off the site.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb5e309b7c554
Vaginas, babies, and girl bands. Yeap I’d say this post is pretty much done.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb5e309b7c554
That show is the shit.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: d72cc5443eb06
Erin, sweetheart, I think the word you’re looking for is “oppressed”, not “suppressed”. The “civil rights movement against slavery” you refer to is called “abolitionism”, and do you really think women were behind it? They were part of it, yes. But really, do you think that a population that was so oppressed they were unable to create music would have been able to mount something like that on their own?
Are you college educated, Erin? Because if you are, I’d demand my money back. They didn’t teach you any critical reasoning skills, but only how to be a good little parrot. It’s bedtime, Erin. The adults are talking.
March 29th, 2008 at 3:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 97bc5ccaaf529
Hmmm… another pathetic bleating feminut blaming womens lack of ability on ‘oppression’. Hmmm..
So a woman is ‘influential to music’ simply by being popular as a singer or musician? Now that is sad.
Women have always ridden on the coat tails of whatever is popular at the time. When rock is in, you’ll find women rock artists making a name. When rap and hip hop are in you’ll find female artists jumping on the bandwagon.
Men have always taken music in new directions, mixing styles, creating new sounds and inventing new genres.
Women wouldnt innovate their own shit if they couldnt help it.
Hmmm….
March 29th, 2008 at 11:32 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Flyleaf is another decent band with a female vocalist.
I like playing their song on Rockband.
March 29th, 2008 at 4:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: f2bf22b9e5483
YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT….
i HOPE WHILE UR IN DR.PHIL’S HOUSE, HE TEACHS U A THING OR TWO! YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!! LOOK AROUND, WOMEN HAVE GOOD JOBS THESE DAYS, AND THEY ARE DOING BETTER THEN MEN FRANKLY.. IN MOST CASES!
DO THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE, TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, GO TO WORK…. SO GO TO HELL
March 29th, 2008 at 4:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0ef4b98dae647
…and another one gets out of her pram.
March 29th, 2008 at 4:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Is there anything she could say that would make her look more stupid?
March 29th, 2008 at 5:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Geeza, are you for Dick making a hall of fame on this site? A place where he moves comments like these so as to, not deny them a voice, but allow them to speak for themselves?
March 29th, 2008 at 5:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 61bdbb94d2fd7
You know what the saying is, the lower the bar…
March 29th, 2008 at 5:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Just because she can’t even spell her own name doesn’t mean she deserves to have her martiarichal subsidized apartment complex turned into an artillery range.