Card Carrying Slut?

How can I tell if the woman I’m with is a slut?

I get asked a lot of questions about women, especially by men. After all, when someone goes to the trouble of making business cards that say “MenAreBetterThanWomen”, they must know what they’re talking about. And I do.

Of them all, this is the question that comes up the most, “How can I tell if my date is a slut.” That’s why I’m going to start my new column “Ask Dick” off with this boffo box office best-seller.

There are three easy ways you can tell if a woman is a slut.

1. She has a cell phone

Women who are sluts always have a cell phone, sometimes two. You see, it’s because having a cell phone is the easiest way possible for a slut to garner herself a heaping helping of attention. Attention is just a stone’s throw away from sex: the slut’s ultimate goal.

The meal’s not cutting it? No problem, slut. Just whip out your cell phone during the entree and brew up a nice gumbo of drama and gossip with your best friends whom you hate the fuck out of. Three to five minutes later, she’s off on another whirlwind diatribe and you’re left wondering if this is included in the bill or if you have to pay extra for it. Like a tip.

Are you supposed to tip a hooker? I’ll save that gem for another time.

2. She mentions another man

All sluts will mention at least one other man (who isn’t you) during the course of a conversation. It could be a workmate, a neighbor, even a family member. If she’s talking about a man, she’s thinking about one thing and one thing only.

Also, God is a man (for obvious reasons). He counts for double; so if she’s a real preacher odds are you have one hell of a slut on your hands.

3. She wears heels

Everything about them screams slut. I’m not talking about the five-inch, lucite, pole dancer heels either. I’m talking about pumps, boots, anything that isn’t a regular shoe.

No matter what women say, there’s only one reason to wear something like heels in today’s society. She wants sexual attention. It’s like a man wearing a helmet. Either he’s expecting to be hit on the head at some point during the day, or he’s retarded. It’s the same with women in heels. Guess what she’s expecting.

If you have a question you’d like to see on Ask Dick, email me or post in the Ask Dick forum.

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