Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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No Dace BRAT Born Raised and Trained you fucking (the first I have used that word here) asshole
AGAIN your an idiot. BRAT-Beyond Line of Site Reporting and Tracking.
STFU and leave this site.
Thank you Wow
Kiki - I am not implying that you are one of those women.
hey asshole I said I was a Marine Corps BRAT. If you were really in the military you would know what that acronymn meant.
Wow, unfortunately we are not one of those cases. We live modestly. I said that my boys were healthy and happy not spoiled.
Women in the marines….. The fucking marines. How could they dishonor the fucking marines.. Well. I guess the marines need people to answer phones and such. God forbid sending uou into actual battle………
Fine the Zardoz.
I am leaning more towards athiest, because I find the idea of a God laughable.
I do not live my life to the acceptance of God, if I did then I would go to church or practice my “religion”. I live my life so that i do not judge myself, i live my life for me, not so I can get into “heaven”. In fact, I am more of an atheist than agnostic.
But what does my religious beliefs (or lack there of) affect my veiws on chauvinism?
I stated clearly earlier that I make my own decisions, and I disagree with this website onmy veiws.
Also, tell me what I said that gave you the idea I secretly believe in God?
In a lot of cases one income would be sufficient if most women didnt feel the need to “one-up” each other all the time with the bigger house, the better car, the newest fashions, etc etc…
@ WOW
As I am not a feminist, I wouldn’t know. I do what I have to in order to keep my children fed and housed. I don’t give a rats ass about what people think about how I do it. They are healthy, happy, and know that BOTH their parents love them very much.
And as you made a reference toward JLA and myself, I get to respond don’t I?
Hey Wow,
I am younger than you but not by much. This year has actually been a tough one for me all together. I have been through probably more than you can comprehend in a short time. So life experience, I’ve got plenty. I get up every day and go out into the world and live and breathe reality. Yeah, maybe I do have issues I need to work on. Who doesn’t?
and again I say that Lady XX is a DUDE
And what post was that? Im not about to go digging through this site to find something you said. And I was talking to Hilary, not you. Proud of you if you did agree to anything, its a baby step in the right direction (depending on the topic of course). Being a mother then, I will ask you the same question………Do you not feel like feminism in ANY way damages families?
The world is coming to an end. Two points that Zardoz and I agree on in one day. It was wonderful when just one income was sufficient in a family setting, but that is no longer the case.
Well thank you
Again, I will say, I do not care
lol
I will!
Hey Hilary, keep old JLA and Kiki in mind when you make it big! Give us a big old shout out!!!
I at least support Dick and this website and can contribute my views that coincide with all that he preaches.
The ones that bash the site and try to attempt in showing us how ‘women really are equal or better than men’ are a complete joke and not to mention waste of time. You’re pretty much worthless here.
Single mothers often are, that’s a reality fact if you look outside your front door. I didn’t say men were rarely better than women at being nurturing parents, I said women were more suited to it. Obviously for reasons of who is better suited to the role of income earner. That is first and foremost in a family unit, for without income, nobody survives. When you stack up the importance of each role that requires filling, every task that needs doing, to make a successful family unit, then place them in order of importance to the survival of that family unit, bread-winner clearly comes first. This is why a man’s role in the 1950’s recieved the most attention. However what is missing from modern portrayal of this is how important and values the woman’s contribution in the household was. They’re portrayed as slaves, or worse. They were NOT victims. When people realise that, they may have different perceptions about a great many things.
As for anything to do with glass ceilings, it IS fictional. Women’s inability to break through it is their own doing and the result of their own lack of performance in the workplace. Its not a glass-ceiling to face less wages for less output. The entire concept of it is bunk for if women truly were paid less simply for being women, yet managed to perform as well as men at the same duties, then men would not form the majority of upper echelon positions. Indeed, they’d barely be employable. What employer would pay more for less profitable output? Really..
Oh, and I do not dismiss your arguments for being an agnostic, I questioned the strength of your own convictions and suggested your rebellion towards religion is owing to the fact deep down the place you have reserved for the possibility of there being a deity overseeing your every deed instils you with discomfort. It was a passing comment on fleeting perception that you may not feel as secure in your beliefs as you would like to confess.
If anyone feels I “ramble” then I question their ability to comprehend.
That is not true at all wow! If you look at an earlier post today, I agreed whole heartedly with Zardoz of all people on a particular issue.
Please try to remember that I am a mother of two and have been married for 17 years. Oh and Wow? I am older than you.
@ Dace I am a Marine Corps BRAT. I know what the men do and how they work hard to get back into shape right before their PT Test.
Besides I never brought up what grades I received when I got my degree.
Please be sure who you are referring to when you try to insult them.