Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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, but rather leave my impression on the world.
Processed through a bullshit filtration plant this basically reads:
My future goals are me me me me me me me me me me me me me
Showing a picture of a family to the so called intelligent young women of today is like showing a cross to a fucking vampire.
As for leaving an impression on the world is concerned, Hilary is in cloud cuckoo land. When Hilarys mom is dead, I wonder whom she will have made the biggest impression on. ‘The world’, or Hilary? And 50 years after she dead, who will ever even bother remembering her?
What a doozy fuckheads feminist.
Well true, the world isn’t a reachable goal, what I should’ve said was leave my impression on the bussiness of film, such as my internship, that is more of a possible goal.
As for wanting to follow my dreams and have my perfect career, in what way is that selfish? Did you settle on whatever career you have chosen? Most likely no, you chose what you are passionate about, just how film is my passion.
Not just vegging in front of the television, but rather watching classics and philisophical, and even forgien films, and examin it, understanding what it was about, reasons of why I enjoyed it, and to be able to provide such entertainment would be perfect.
I am not going to flush those dreams to simply have a family, because being an intern is most likely going to be difficult considering I would have to make myself noticed for my potential as a successful producer, and I would have to give up my dream, which I know I would regret for my entire life. I would give anything in the world to keep that internship and have a career in it, so it is not selfish to want to attain my dream.
Geeza,
Grow up! Who are you to try and take her down. She is an intelligent young girl looking toward a bright future. Are you jealous of her. Well you should be. She has more tact and class then you’ll ever have!
Hey and nobody cares what you have to offer right now Geeza.
I was vague with this response.
I made a mistake in typing, which makes the post sound hypocrtitcal.
I meant to say that I live by my own morals, so that I do not look back and feel ashamed. Meaning that I live my life inside the rules by my standards, not Gods.
But my last comment is true, I define myself by my ethics and morals.
Ladies and gentlemen, there we have it. Feminist bullshit in a nutshell.
My future goals are not to have a family
, but rather leave my impression on the world.
Processed through a bullshit filtration plant this basically reads:
My future goals are me me me me me me me me me me me me me
Showing a picture of a family to the so called intelligent young women of today is like showing a cross to a fucking vampire.
As for leaving an impression on the world is concerned, Hilary is in cloud cuckoo land. When Hilarys mom is dead, I wonder whom she will have made the biggest impression on. ‘The world’, or Hilary? And 50 years after she dead, who will ever even bother remembering her?
What a doozy fuckheads feminist.
Well said JLA!!!
Dace,
If you really are in the military, God bless you for everthing you do! We honor and respect you. And that is no joke. I mean that whole heartedly!
He doesn’t have an answer, JLA. He is lying about being in the military and he is worried that someone will call him on it if he names a particular branch.
You don’t have to be an ass. I asked you a simple question.
The branch that could fuck you up with the push of a button…………… The branch that has cunts running around starting drama everywhere they can. The branch thats getting the fucking shaft right now because somehow we think were the fucking world police.
Clever
What branch are you in Dace?
Well, it’s good that I should judge myself, because that’s what I said.
I have ethics and morals, and that is how I define myself.
So it doesn’t mean Bimbo Rooting American Troops??
No you didnt do the “smart thing”. Look it up again. The military term BRAT-Beyond Line of Site Reporting and Tracking. Not that other stupid shit. IM IN the military so I KNOW what BRAT means. Fucking drop it.
“If you were really in the military you would know what that acronymn meant”.
Thats what she said. I just stated the PROPER MILITARY DEFINITION of the acronymn. NOT some fucking stupid shit little girls made up because their daddy’s moved them around alot because of their profession. Why do things have to be fully explained to you cunts? Cant you just figure shit out on your own? Shit.
That’s half the problem with society. Without belief in a deity to “judge” them, people give up on any concept of even holding themselves accountable for their own decisions and actions. It’s not just your right to judge yourself, its a duty unto yourself. With a good grounding in ethics, a clever person can do so with great success. Thus you should judge yourself, having mostly given up on the concept of facing any judgement beyond yourself lest it be a panel of twelve peers. Responsible ethical decency is the measuring stick you should use in absence of a deity to fear.
Listen Dace, I did the smart thing to do and jusy looked up Military BRATs, its about people that have grown up in the military, such as their parents being in it.
Hence, Born Trained and Raised.
Dace,
Kiki never said it was a military acronymn. She just said it was what children raised in military families were called.
Thats…not a real military “acronymn” stupid cunt. Just stop. You really are looking stupid. Why the fuck would men put that shit in the military? Born raised and trained? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH……