Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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fucking hilarious
Hey Dick,
Just wanted to say that I’m a woman and I agree with a LOT of what you have to say on this site.
Now normally I don’t comment on things like this (I just read it for the entertainment value) but I thought this article was particularly interesting because it seems to contradict what you have been saying (at least recently) about the subject of women being whores.
I remember in one of your articles you said something along the lines of “I won’t stop calling women whores because that’s exactly what they are”.
If I am understanding you correctly, then I would think you would be for teaching women to be whores, strippers, prostitutes, ect.
However in this article you seem to be completely against the…how do I put it…
“whorification” of women (yeah, I know it’s not a word).
In the majority of other posts I’ve read (and one or two “Dick’s Voicemail’s”) you seem to protest (rather loudly) that men should not discourage women from being whores, because that is all they are ever good for and that is the highest form of greatness they can ever hope to achieve.
So it seems that by your logic mothers like Lynne Spears are the archetypal of how women should raise or teach their daughters.
Just a thought.
Anyway, thank you for preaching what is (mostly) the truth in a humorous and “manly” manner.
lmao!!! you guys need to stop being such faggets and mess with someone that can really fuck you up. Messing with women? wow lol good job fucking idiots.
Lol that’s right Kara. Poor little Dick is afraid WOMEN will make fun of him therefore he wears sunglasses. Don’t feel too bad Dick I’m sure your boyfriend loves you just the way you are. Btw are you the girl in the relationship? Seems that way.
andirine trainbearer stipendium queenroot troggin truthfulness hemophile uninfeft
St Saviour’s Anglican Church, Glen Osmond
http://www.dennisbeach.com/
I’m the fucking man… and you man… are correct.
Chivalry, my friend, is dead because nobody wants it ” I CAN DO IT MYSELF “
Fucking right. The truth hurts! Sign right up at the forums.
If, as all these dumb whores come here and post nonsensical rants and diatribes attest, there is no validity to the MAN opinions ( the only ones that matter) expressed herein, then why do they keep coming here and making their juvenile, retarded, fish stinking CUNT COMMENTS ?
I will tell you why, it’s because the truth hurts them, and the breeze is blowing up their TUNNEL CUNTS and wobbling their tongues, crazed, like drunken vipers ( hope you don’t mind me borrowing that, what a fucking superb line) and thereby they validate ( not that we needed them to do that ) what us SUPERIOR PENIS OWNERS knew all along. Fucking kick ass forum Dick, keep it coming, set all the slimy whores alight.
Hey dumb cunt, he took his glasses off during one of the Dr. Phil episodes and his eyes were just fine. Also, I’ve seen him doing other things (Dick gets around) and his eyes are just fine.
Now, lets talk about your lack of a functioning brain.
The reason the poor little guy wears those sunglasses is because he has a really bad lazy-eye, making him look as retarded as all the bullshit he spews. You’ll notice he is NEVER photographed without them, because he knows people will make fun of him. And him being the short little wimp he is, well - he’d cry over it. xoxo
“Women thinking…”
is like an oxymoron
Your second sentence is the precise reason for not doing so. Eventually Dick is going to have an enormous array of quotes from women proving the very points he makes about them. They really can’t help themselves, it’s part of the Tourettes Syndrome he speaks of in various articles. Even their indoctrinated and assumptive belief in how wonderful they are is coaxed into headstrong vituperations which prove his assertions by the act of telling them they’re not welcome here.
It’s veritable genius on his part, heheh.
I agree with you but Dick would rather let them come make examples of themselves and prove him right…repeatedly. You think women would actually think things through before posting….yeah right, women thinking.
You should moderate the comments and get rid of all these useless bottom feeding whores. It just illustrates another point that men do not go where they are not wanted and women love to be where they are hated and cause trouble. All these women are attention whores that need to be flushed down the toilet.
Happy new year, Dick. With another year shall come more women trying and failing to be equal to men… who will be the next celebrity fuck up? Who will be the next dumbass Upton? How many more women will try to falsely accuse men of rape again? Stay tuned folks…
I cannot stand women ‘professionals’. Woman doctors, woman journalists, I just fucking hate the sound of their fucking voices. As a matter of fact the only sound I like to hear a woman make is the slurping sloppy sound when she is sucking my fucking dick. I fucking hate women.
The funny part is that it happens to men all over. Especially when you have fame or money.
Unless he can impregnate them simply by looking at them. Chuck Norris does it all the time.
He answered that, on the show. He didn’t want to mesmerize women with “The Look” and be swarmed by crazy women who might wind up impregnated.
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
-wolfe