Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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Hmm, a troll with a personal vendetta on me, interesting. I feel so special and stuff.
lol
Hilary,
pay no attention to “LadyXX” That’s a dude for real
Did you just ask me the same fucking question twice? Are you malfunctioning already?
I can be an idiot at times, sure. But I know when to shut my fucking piehole, which is more than I can say about you.
Lady XX, you say that since women are idiots, she must be an idiot too?
So since you are a woman you must ba an idiot aslo right?
But you probab;y take yourself in higher regard, although you shouldn’t.
How old are you? 12?
Where are all these fucking wastes of spaces coming from?
First off, it was a spelling error. Meh.
Secondly, I’m not being intense. You’re just an idiot. But then again, you are a woman, so that’s pretty much a given.
Way to care about what strangers on the internet says to you. You think the rest of the men in here give a flying fuck if someone calls them out on some bullshit? Not really. Or at least they shouldn’t.
Hey everyone,
The real reason why Zardoz hasn’t been on site all day today was he was in the hospital haveing a size 10 shoe removed from his ass. My husband caught him trying to molest our dog and kicked the holy shit out of him and when he removed his foot the shoe was missing.
He must have some real suction up there. Must make his boyfriend very happy.
@LadyXX: Nope, she can’t be. In Australia that wouldn’t have been “underage pussy” as she so vulgarly stated. The age of consent here is 16.
Haha are you fucking kidding me with this? You are, right? Solomon can imply from what I said about a 16 year old girl that I, personally, need to try and keep my legs closed.. and you’re telling me to relax? Haha. Oh and insert a tampon and watch the Oxygen network? Yes I love relaxing that way. Is it sort of how you like relaxing by cutting yourself because frankly, you’re a little intense. Go rub one out yourself, buddy.
BTW no I’m not from “Austrailia” what a great question! I’m not from Australia either. Stalker….
What.. the fuck? Bitch, STFU. You have NO idea what the hell you’re talking about. I don’t even know why I’m wasting a reply back to your dumbass.
I suggest you insert a fresh new tampon and relax for a few hours. Ya know, watch some Oxygen network, and rub one out, whatever.. then maybe come back and start posting.
Oh btw: are you from Austrailia by chance?
Dick, you can only have an eye for STD’s if you fuck a lot of skanks. Or if a lot of skanks won’t fuck you, then a guy can assume she obviously has herpes. Kudos to that guy for scoring some underage pussy but you can’t dispute that he was much dumber than she in this situation.
Solomon, your mother should have kept her legs closed.
Hopefully when you to go to school you’ll learn what logical fallacies are.
Someone really has to do a collection of posts of — “look at me I am only (insert age here) but am really smart cuz i am going to (insert school here) and majoring in (insert major here) so i must be smart, see see look at me —- Just so we can link to it when those posts pop up 3 times a day.
He’s 19 years old, he should know to use protection.
Though, now he has to be arrested since she’s only 16
Sure uses the “I” word a lot for someone who’s not like all the other women. I, me, myself, I, me, myself.
And Dicks self esteem is so high he even made a website for men proving how men are better than women. 400+ posts proving it with evidence and stuff.
-Solomon
Dick,
I would say you are a dumb piece of shit but I am sure you’re used to hearing that already. Not all women are stupid. I admit, as a fellow female, I am embarrassed about the behavior of some women today, but their behavior is not a reflection of the entire gender. Your fixation on putting down women is none other than a cry for help. The many obvious rejections from women has made you a maniac. Your self-esteem is so low you feel the need to put down others to make yourself feel strong and manly. After reading you articles I simply find you sad. You are a sad, sad human being. I happen to love sex, love children, and adore my breasts. I am very patriotic and proud to be an American. It’s alright if you don’t know the definition of the word ‘patriotic.’ I really didn’t expect you to.
I hate to bring myself down to your pathetic level but, your rants are physically disgusting. You should learn the true value of equality for all people regardless of race, gender, religion, or class. I know you will barely notice this post, but I felt the desire to voice my opinion being as I am only seventeen years old and getting ready to attend George Washington University (I did not perform any sexual acts with anyone affiliated with the school).
Ann, keeping your legs crossed works even better than condoms, give it a try sometime.
-Solomon
Ann, you seem to be under the impression that I fuck a lot of skanks.
That is a prejudice. Perhaps Dr. Phil needs to have a talk with you.
Anyone with an eye for it can spot an STD a mile away.
-Dick
a 19 year old guy should carry condoms, his father should tell him what terrible shit happens if they fuck someone without one. i think your site is funny but “fuck condoms”? faulty logic there. women are stupid remember?