Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
Related Articles:
Pages: « 15 … 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 [3] 2 1 » Show All
Why must someone be gay if they are anti-women? I’m not a male, but I do have plenty of male gay friends.
I can assure you Tweedledee and Tweedledum, that gay men do NOT hate women. They look up to women and some almost try to mimic womenly ways.
Is it really that hard to believe there are chicks out there, YES REAL ACTUAL WOMEN WITH BREASTS AND VAGINAS LIKES YOURS, who don’t respect women as a whole?
If it really is a hard concept for your teeny tiny little brains to grasp, I highly suggest you take a gander at: http://www.igetdick.com
You won’t find any such statement in my ip man-hash. But then I guess you’re too stupid to realise how that system works. I actually have to type something for it be recorded as something I wrote, not falsely quoted by some troll whom “thinks” she is clever. Abuse of the quote system is just another childish game. I addressed everything you had to say Kiki71, but you missed the point. Now you simply have no point, just another femme hurling pointless insults.
No Kiki, he’s a big fat wart on Australia’s Ass!
Zardoz, who are you really? Some little wart on the Australian society? Are you on Welfare, or do you live in your mommy’s basement?
Zardoz has not a hair one on his balls. Yeah that’s right, run home with your tail between your legs screaching and whining to Mommy! This just reminds you of your youth doesn’t it when the little girls used to kick your ass every da and steal you lunch money!
Yes Dick is probably laughing his ASS off. This is most likely what he wants to promote his book. As for you, you have yet to blow anything, except maybe your man.
You have not addressed anything that I have said in the past. I tried to be polite at first and all you could do was bash me for it. That just shows that you have no real argument.
And from reading your recent posts, you are Liberace Gay.
Zardoz, You don’t address the fact that you want me! You can’t even speak when you think of me! My goodness, it is wonderful to be loved!
Zardoz, the windbag has seemed to run out of air. Did it really only take two little girls to bust his balls to get him to shut the hell up?
Dick must laughing his arse off at this pair of trolls. They’re the perfect examples of everything he says about women. Though they are very disruptive, which I think is their main ambition anyhow.
As for you Kiki71. I already addressed everything you had to say, obviously I blew your arguments out of the water, and those of your little troll friend. So now its clear your embarrassment at having been logically proven stupid means you descend to the ultimate childish banter tantrum. Screaming nonsense at the top of your lungs until someone eventually throws you out on your ears.
Dick Masterson wants me too!!!
Okay so you are trying to portray yourself as a slut on a site that likes to say all women are sluts. Way to be where you can be yourself.
I still say you have a penis. Maybe both?
LadyXX, so you admit you’re a gay man!! Fucking finally one of these turds admits it and even admits he likes blow jobs and hand jobs. Sorry dude, my man is not gay.
LOL! You vaginas crack me up really.
Do you honestly… i mean, come on, use your brain here (i know it might be tough but just try ok?) do you REALLY think I would go out of my way to ‘pretend’ to be a woman on here if I’m really a man?
I mean, really now. What would be the fucking point? I would try to be your best friends in here and then OH SNAP! one day I will just change my views on here and hope by some sort of miracle from God above that you women would follow my lead? That I would support your views and then convince you one day that men really are better than woman?
Gimme a fucking break. Just learn to accept that not ALL woman are ‘yeah! girl power! spice girls 4 lyfe!” and stick to one another in this world. There are few women out there that have no respect whatsoever for our same sex and to be honest, I’m going to stop typing and arguing my point now. I’d rather use my hands on something more useful, like giving your men the good ol’ handjob/blowjob combo–cuz it’s clear to me you’re not doing your job in society to please your men. No, you’d rather waste your time trying to prove a woman’s actual worth on here, a website titled: menarebetterthanwomen.com.
Good luck ladies. Enjoy the brief stay.
Zardoz,
I really do enjoy toying with you! You are so much fun. I laughed all day about some of your comments last night! I think you like us too! I think you want me! Well who could blame you, everyone does!
I am so proud of you Zardoz! But did it really tak you that long to come up with something that small?
Its tag-team troll time!
LadyXX is probably just like Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs.
Come on bitch say: “It puts the lotion in the basket”.
Very cute Guy. You are perpetrating to get your very strange man view on here and think that someone will listen to you if you pretend to be what you probably want to be anyway. Sorry that you have a penis and don’t know how to take it off.
I am also sorry that no one will listen to you in real life. Not my fault you are so repulsive to the world that you have to pretend to be a chick here.
Lady XX is a stupid cunt who should go kill him? her? itself!
Hahahaha. If you say so. Kinda fruity username tho don’t you think if I really was a guy?
Listen, I’m a woman who happens to know what she wants: less dumb and irritating women on this planet that suck the souls and wallets from men. ie, less women in this world like YOU.
Is that so hard?
Shouldn’t you be reading some Harlequin novel and eating pork rinds on the couch right now?