Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA.
This is truly a great article. I laughed my ass off, & for once the truths you were stating as opposed to the narrow minded thoughts.
This piece of work is genius.
You should mail it to the Spears family.
Its great.
What a circus family they are!
See what I mean, the turd monger talks around me. He is an inept fool.
You know what is funny to me? The fact that you women waste your time on a site that has clearly stated time and time again that MEN ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN.
So don’t give me this “gender that is supposedly inferior” bullshit. If you and every one of your kind on here are truly seeking to change the views of the men and women who support the means of this site, then you’re all more stupid than I thought. (and I think you’re all pretty incompetent to begin with)
It’s like.. you see this site, immediately flare up and then seek out to create some lame ass e-drama with us only because we don’t think like women. No one asked you to come to this site. The men were fine minding their own business and supporting one another in their equal superiority amongst women. But noooooooo you women have to somehow stir up the pot and give us your two cents in the matter as if, in all honesty, they give a fuck about the trolling. Do you cry everytime your man says no? Do you stomp your feet when another woman steal’s the attention of him as well?
I realize I may be a hypocrite in this matter as I’m a woman posting this against you gals, but goddamn. Take a step back and really read what the fuck you are all typing on here. Then re-read about 25-30 of Dick’s blogs and get it through your skull that there is no way in hell you are changing any kind of outlook to the men on this site. Shit.
Perhaps a filter one can use once logged in a registered user which blocks commentary by people who have proven themselves beyond any doubt to have absolutely nothing of value to contribute. But in pure terms of being a spam filter, it would be good if perhaps trolls that have consistently proven their only reason for existence is to disrupt logical discourse simply had their IP blocked.
@Hilary: I’m not entirely sure if we’re ever had a lengthy discourse, but while I may admonish you for being gleeful at another personal emotional blow out of insanity, I have read some of your posts. You seem rational to some extent, and I have a feeling you stick around on this website to see what intelligent commentary may be given in reply, beyond the generic “Its a girly-girl! tell her to fuck off!” responses. If you gained no such food for thought from any of the men posting here, then I daresay you would not be lingering as you do.
Most women on this site write rationally and politely, but all they can say back is “Fuck off girly-girl!” which simply means that they can’t come up with a smart retaliation, which is funny to me. Also, you can tell that we do threaten them because they always feel the need to respond to a gender that is supposidly inferior.
I really sure did a number on you, didn’t I? Such hatred pours out of you! Why do you hate me Zardoz? Look at how many times you insult me in that one paragragh. You should stop letting your emotions get the better of you. It almost sounds as if you’re ready to break down sobbing uncontrolably. You are a bitter hag Zardoz, but I know you can’t help it. Some are just dealt shitty hands in life, you are one of the some!
I never meant you, if you see I said by some on this website, I didn’t say you specifically.
Also, when I have made a post, all some will say is to “fuck off”, they don’t use logic or sense, all they are able to retaliate is to try to deflate my ego by calling me a “girly-girl”, which is not insulting to me, simply a phrase that you think hurts our precious feelings
You know, you bring up a very good point. I’m pretty much zoned out their ‘defense mechanisms’ by hitting on the capslock and calling us the best names that they can come up with at this time of night. I mean, wasn’t JLA saying she ‘got to go now’? But yet, here she is, still attacking. I am very supportive of a ‘woman filter’ and i realize this may never get done. I recently read an article in Fortune mag (from November 07 tho) on how some programmers are working on a ’stupid filter’. I find this a grand idea and only hope it will be successful and used on here. Like i’ve stated in other posts, if that means that ALL women are unable to post, I’d gladly sacrifice my posts in order to keep the rest of the women from spouting pure manure on here.
Exactly Hilary,
Zardoz won’t address me because he is lost for words. If you go back and read my early posts, I did discuss society and tried to be rational and logical. None of these pricks seem to want to deal with anyone who is intelligent and has their own opinion. And yet, just last night this rejected excuse fo a human Zardoz claimed that I become violent with anyone whom opposes my views. He is more idiot savant like than Kiki’s aforementioned opinion “Educated idiot”. He is idiot savant like due to the fact that, where he is able to retain information he cannot comprehend it.
If by insulting you mean stripping your arguments to shreds with logic, then you are correct, we do insult you. But you show me where I have personally misquoted someone with intent to mock in order to disrupt logical discourse. You’re simply enjoying this because you’re yet another fool whom has no valid arguments to put forth and feel stupid as a result.
I just clearly fucking stated the difference I made:
ZARDOZ THE WINDBAG LIBERACE WANNA BE HAS FINALLY FOLLOWED HIS OWN ADVICE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! NOW YOU SHOULD PROBABLY FOLLOW HIS LEAD!
I only argue with people whom seem to have something to say. When someone proves themselves utterly worthless to even be human beings, I find it better to ignore them entirely. JLA descended to something less that shit on a shoe which at least I would stoop to scrape off with a stick. If I was supposed to be offended, then they lose. But then, I imagine they’re accustomed to that. Proof of being a loser is hanging around a website just to be a disruptive annoyance, as opposed to seeing it as a genuine venue to discuss important issues about society. Something that matters. The only thing important to a troll, is the amount of attention they can get and the level of disruption they can cause. If ignoring filth makes it think it is somehow victorious, then it must be a very hollow victory indeed.
lmao
Especially since they can insult others all they want, and simply insult insult insult, but when we fight against them they can’t handle it!
Shut up bitch and go tell it to put the lotion in the basket!
Good riddence. just go already, no need to double post that shit.
And i scoff at the ‘force to be reckon with’. lololol. As dangerous as some women may be in using their vaginas to get what they want, I hardly doubt all of you could make any type of difference in here.
Also: Liberace? If that’s the best you got, then you don’t have much.
I gotta go now but it has been fun playing with you
I gotta go no but it has been fun playing with you
Thanks! (taking another bow). Hilary, you should join up with Kiki and myself! We are a force to be reckoned with! As you can clearly see Zardoz the windbag Liberace wanna be has completely shut the fuck up when it comes to me. Glad to see he finally took his own advice!
Then what you are trying to say is that you hate yourself. There are plenty of sites that will help you find an acceptable way to kill yourself. You may be doing yourself, and everyone around you a favor.
I have been “abused” by the quote system by some on this site, it’s nothing new…at least JLA’s are clever