Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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You may be right JLA. How’d that happen?
Kiki, I think we shut ‘em down!
Only because you listen.
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TNRC
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I know I am. I have done my share of feeding the trolls but not anymore. I come here for civilised debate and discussion. Trolls don’t belong here; they should be under bridges waiting for the three billy-goats Gruff. Not as classy as Shakespeare but a good read when I was a kid ;o)
hey Wow - you should change your name to Wow - dude
They do get louder though..
No, you are Zardoz or his boyfriend.
And yes my man did cheat, but guess what I don’t care cause he still hands over the paycheck. I cheated too. And with one hot motherhumper loved every minute of it! I used him and then threw him away! Like every good woman should!
RobC - You are right.
A gentle riddance, - draw the curtains, go. - William Shakespeare
AND I AM A WOMAN BITCH.
Im not…. but I think if I was single he would be exactly the type of man I would want to have in my life. Strong, reponsible, intelligent, articulate, and respectful (where it is due). Wait a minute…I AM with that kind of man! Didnt your boyfriend cheat on you? Look out honey, you are intolerable, hes going to do it again..
Not true, Zardoz. An attention seeker wants to be in the middle of everything but if you leave them at the edge trying to feed on the scraps, they soon get fed up and move on to the next one who may or may not give them the attention they are looking for. Whether they get it depends entirely on how desperate their quarry is for pussy.
Well said…..
Wow,
Why haven’t you killed yourself yet? Kiki and I want to know if you are Zardoz’s boyfriend. In fact we think you may just be Zardoz.
meow - If you can get past the offensive references, and just dig a little, you will find that pretty much every thing dick writes is genius….
Only the narrow minded read these articles and find them narrow minded…. I hope that you can re-read and be OPEN MINDED…….. Feminism is evil.
Oh and Hi there little troll JLA - I see your having yet another fun filled slumber party with “the girls”. Maybe you will knock each other out with all those frilly little pink pillows. GAG..
Hilary - some have tried to talk to you rationally (me for example) but what was said was not what you wanted to hear so you dismissed them and hurled your insults. You dont want rational discussion, you want to be an asshole. You and JLA get off on it. But no worries, you both are behaving exactly as expected…
……And yet, just last night this rejected excuse fo a human Zardoz claimed that I become violent with anyone whom opposes my views….
JLA - Did you or did you not tell me to kill myself with (quite a few recommendations as to how) last night? Do you not consider this violent?
JLA1204 Says:
December 18th, 2007 at 3:37 pm- IP Man-Hash: 5cfc4fdf87f79
Wow, You are a waste of skin, oxygen and space! Give your kids to your husband or an orphanage and go kill yourself! Raising your kids to devalue themselves is disgusting! I’v got the cure; a bullet and a back alley! Fuck you and the horse rode in on you disgusting sell out cunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How boring is that BITCH!!! Oh and read what you’re posting under before you tell me to get educated you stupid, worthless scum sucking tramp!!!!! If you want to put yourself down I could give a fuck, but you will not insult me! GO DIE WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn. You are truly sunshine and rainbows…..
It seems that some of them consider talking about them to be attention as well, heheh. Any food is good food for an attention starved troll I guess. Its amusing how much louder they get when they’re not receiving anything but crumbs of attention from someone else’s plate though.
Wanna Play You big Titty?
LMFAO. Zardoz alone is ten times more intelligent than all the girly girls put together. I alone have kicked the ass of several hundred fembots. Please go read through the threads before you talk this shit again. How many small penis insults have been dished out? How many times has our own family been attacked? Hmm? How many times has JLA went off tangent? Yeah, go blow me off you dumb bitch.
Guys (and Lady XX), see what happens when you feed the trolls? Take a leaf out of RobC’s book and talk ABOUT them, not TO them.
Hell, even Clair seems to have fucked off now that I won’t talk to her anymore. Or is that just wishful thinking from me?
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TNRC
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Hey Zardoz I would love to have a rational conversation with you. I will even let you pick the topic.