Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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Yes, indeed. Remember when that 14 year-old boy got the 27 year-old teacher pregnant, and how all the feminits wanted him to get a job to support his kid and pay allimony for him? None of the feminists were angrily demanding that the teacher be arrested and prosecuted for committintg the crime of having sex with a minor. This is the double-standard: a grown man who gets an underage girl preganant will be arrested, jailed for the next 20 years for statutory rape and, if the girl decides to have the child, he’ll have to pay allimony for the next 18 years while in jail. But if a grown woman fucks an underage boy, it is because he “wanted it”" and the fact that what she did was illegal is irrelvant. Just ask “Female”. Teh bitch is the queen of double-standards.
P Coderch
I think that corporations and other financial institutions have grossly capitalised on the two person family income you mention. Working families often need both those incomes in order to pay house loans on properties which have had their value raised to astronomical prices by the extra borrowing power, etc. As a result, even children being raised by in two parent homes are suffering in terms of not having the nurture required by all of our young. Its good that you can make ends meet without that, the benefit is vastly healthier and better adjusted children.
Sarcasm? I had a gf who came close to that. She was a lot of fun, I’ll spare you the detail though. Moving onto more important issues…
Firstly, I’d like to point out that anything I say here I would happily say straight to your face. Or anyone else for that matter. I shock a lot of people with my straight-forward bluntness, especially, but not solely, women. Having said that, after reading your posts under both the names you have used, Hilary and Karen, I will admit you do not engage in insulting language nor “shit slinging”.
Your general modus operandi seems to be to offer a comment here and there, then remove yourself from conversation. Strike then disengage tactic. Very non-committal to discussion. But then if you’ve been assaulted for having posted at all, I can somewhat understand that.
I personally however, have responded to the occasional comment you have made without resorting to insults. I have suggested certain comments you made in support of the trolls showed very poor character though. For the reasons I made clear when I posted my replies. Why you enjoyed seeing such behaviour I am not entirely certain. Mostly it just served to disgust everyone regardless of gender.
I do think however, that you’re rather misguided in your assessment of feminism. It has absolutely nothing to do with “equality”, but rather as Man’s voice has stated -
Which is very VERY much the case.
While I cannot speak for all the men here, some of whom have grievances to air, if you bother to read my posts, while I may wax caustic from time to time, I do believe in fairness of equal rights. Which our society currently does NOT have as things have shifted too far in favour women. I also think families are the foundation stone of human society and blame feminism for undermining them, and deem modern women to have degraded rather than “empowered” themselves. The best argument any woman has come up with to dispute my commentary on these matters has been accusations of my sexual orientation, and various other slanderous comments which evade the topic completely, or to toss a handful of nonsense anecdotes from popular feminist daemonisation of the male gender. These I have addressed and redressed numerous times. The most recent tactic was to attempt to shout me down with spammed nonsense, as though werre considered an effective means of winning an argument.
Thus far I still wait for anyone to tackle my arguments head on in a rational and logical manner.
Hey, guys … I’ve been having fun posting the following to various sites around the net for the last 24 hours or so — always including a link to this site when possible. :)
Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t a slut. She’s a stupid slut.
FACT: Any girl who wants can get the pill cheaply and damned near anonymously.
FACT: Anyone — male or female — can walk out of any drugstore in America with a 12-pack box of condoms for practically nothing.
FACT: While it’s statistically possible to get pregnant from one instance of unprotected sex, in the overwhelming majority of cases, it takes repeated attempts. Anybody who’s ever tried to conceive children can tell you that it can actually be real work. The fastest way to take the passion out of sex is to actually try to get pregnant.
FACT: An enormous percentage of women repeatedly fail to remember to take their pill or take five seconds to slip a condom on their baby-daddy, in spite of these two inventions being the key to the Women’s Rights movement.
CONCLUSION: Jamie Lynn Spears was repeatedly letting her baby-daddy bang her without any kind of contraception.
Where the frak was Lynn Spears when Jamie Lynn was busy shacking up with some dude who was three years older than her? Oh, that’s right, she approved of the relationship. After all, they met in church.
Yeah, right.
Didn’t anyone ever explain the concept of “jailbait” to the baby-daddy? Oh, wait, this is the Spears family we’re talking about. He was probably banging Lynn right after he finished with Jamie Lynn.
(By the way, have you seen this dope? Why do hot chicks invariably hook up with guys who look like total dopes, anyway? And yes, Jamie Lynn is hot, though there’s no way in hell you’d catch me in bed with someone one-third my age. Unlike the baby-daddy, I have self-respect, class, and ethics.)
I’ll bet you ten to one that when the baby-daddy demands a DNA test, the kid turns out not to be his. After all, she had one pregnancy scare in July and August pictures show what looks a lot like a Herpes sore on her lower lip.
Jamie Lynn Spears has just become the poster child not only for white trash teen pregnancies but for the concept of curtailing women’s rights and making them property of men.
Seriously, Lynn Spears is such a skank that she raised a pair of stupid, slutty, whores — and then she has the nerve to write a book about parenting. What, pray tell, qualifies Lynn Spears to write a book titled anything other than, How To Totally Frak Up Your Kids?
Maybe the Muslims actually have a good idea when they treat women like property. If this represents anything like what chicks consider reasonable when left to their own devices, they shouldn’t be left to their own devices.
Oh yeah?
Go do something useful — suck your man’s cock and get the fuck off this site.
@zardoz - Thanks for the article, I can seriously relate. I worked outside the home until about 4 years ago and I was miserable and so was my family. I worked 40+ hours a week, came home to children that were tired hungry, and gripy (I was too) and had to start doing all the homework, household chores, bathing, bedtime, etc. etc. I was exhausted ALL THE TIME. The best decision I ever made was to stop working outside the home and start LIVING inside it. My kids are happier, me and my husband are happier.We had our last baby two years ago and it is amazing the difference between him and my older children who were (basically) raised by daycare. He is most definately more affectionate, verbal, and educated (however, a lot more spoiled :)) I understand sometimes that the woman HAS to work in order to pay the bills, but if she had a choice, she should be at home.
We’re like snakes, we can unhinge our jaws.
In case it’s not obvious when typed, that is sarcasm
Fat women seem to shovel as much garbage into their mouths as they spew out. How the fuck is that possible?
omg this is hilarious!! do all dumbass men have this much time to sit at home on the internet? get out sometime, will ya?
I have been called things on this site that I have not been called in real life, which is astonishing to me that you would severely judge a complete stranger, especially to the extent I have been. I don’t know how many times I have been told to “fuck off”, been called a stupid girly girl, and things that I do not want to repeat. I say one comment that is not nearly as harsh as some that have been passed my way, and I am constantly harrassed for it! I mean, your last sentence is worse than what I said, and I apparently “talk shit”.
If you read my posts I haven’t said any remarks concerning any of your personal lives.
@wow-female: you may find this article interesting, and reassurance that you are most certainly not alone.
The backlash against feminism is forming and the tide is being drawn out before the tsunami strikes.
He and He have schizoid tendencies. What else can you do?
Kiki,
It amazes me that Zardoz (wow-dude) keeps referring to himself in the third person. Don’t you find that odd?
“Behold, these are the tongues o’ th’ common mouth”.
Zardoz, thank you…. Life is good…
Heheh, I haven’t addressed either of them in hours, and the most annoying since yesterday. You’re correct though, limit their food to crumbs and they get louder as they starve to death, but eventually the lack of food will cease the annoyance.
No we’re still here penis eyes.
Hell, we’ve been waiting for you
See? Contrary to what they think, in just four posts, none of which were addressed to the trolls, I shut THEM down. Easy if you ignore them.
@wow-female: thanks for the compliment, and I’m certain your man thinks the same of you. Its very likely that the recent change in your outlook has caused you to be constantly praised before his associates behind your back, and a source of envy toward him by many of them.