Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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Thanks!
I will try to keep them up! Then again, it will be easy since I am a woman:)
Good for you Hilary! Congrats on the good grades. Keep it up!
I saw that Kiki said you are a prof. so I am not going to contradict you in the eductaion feild, but as for myself and as for my friends, they do not wish the education be lowered. It may, according to you, but I wish that it wouldn’t. You see, I am in school and am constantly learning my material and doing very well, considering my grades consist of A’s and B’s, and I would still do well, along with a percentage of my school, would do well if the standard was raised. Though, you are in Australia correct? It’s probably where you live.
If you were so smart you might realize BOTH of the above mentioned posts were made by Kiki. Not by both of us. Now go tell it to put the lotion in the basket!
Oh right, lol
I forgot
To the 2nd post that Zardoz has made, as you see, I am agnostic, I have not been to church since I was 5, and I have never read the Bible, considering that I am wavering towards atheist, but the reason that I think religion was made was to keep a leash on society, and as a safety net such as life after death, which is the only reason that I am not just an atheist. I would like to think that there is a life after death for all of my friends and family, rather than being six feet under. So that is the only reason that I am agnostic, and I do not take it into myself to practice my religion. But I do apologize for making an incorrect statement.
Feminists are the idea of the “alll American family, such as Leave it to Beaver, where the woman would automatically stay home and the man would take the role as the bread-winner. Feminists like the idea of the modernized family, where the roles are chosen, and not just automatically assumed.
As to the “logic” you compare this website to, they are thoughts of the oh-so-mighty Dick, which are not backed up other than what he thinks.
I was in a day-care for a large portion of when I was 2-12, and I do not think that I would of came out any different than if I was in a “traditional household”. Those are simply the good old days in 1950’s. Women are working and most women enjoy their work, and if you think that the child should not be left in the hands of a stranger, then the man should stay home. There’s a solution to that issue.
Now why are you attacking me on the issue of God? That is the only one that I chose to bring up? If you notice I brought up the other one concering families, because those are the one’s that I found funny. So now simply because I am agnostic that fogs my veiws? Perhaps it helped my veiws. I make my own moral decisions and I chose the one’s that are responsible and are beneficial to myself. I learn by making mistakes, and I am learning to singl out the mistakes and avoid them, as I had not in the past. But I learn, as you need to do with your veiws.
Just curious Zardoz, what university do you intruct at?
Oh I’m smart… enough to know better than to troll on some site not welcomed to dumb women. You and few others *cough JLA* cough kiki* seem to think you can come in here and make this place your home and it’s not even as if you are bringing anything remotely interesting to the table. Just man-bashing. How do you expect any positive feedback without some middle-ground?
Oh yeah–women are irrational.
One of you is looking up movies to try to ‘out Zardoz’ in an immature fashion–but OHHH SNAPPP LOOKS LIKE SHE DUN DID IT NOW! -gimme a break. Then we have another insistent that I’m a man… All of these replies are just humorous really. Perhaps if some of you would see the views and mindsets stated on here are not going to budge, maybe then you’ll all fuck off.
Btw, I am pretty used to this century (working 2 jobs and all) - I just have old-fashioned views in the home as most women do not look at domestic life as I might.
Without the lowering of those standards and affirmative actions quota’s to provide tokenism in the industries you aspire to, and indeed most other industries, very very few women would manage to attain such goals. There are always exceptions, but having things handed over on the basis of pressure group influenced legislation and gender bias (yes, education IS biased these days towards the female gender) is detrimental to the forward motion of a civilisation. Decadence results when retrogression sets in.
No, Lady XX does not put “herself” in that percentile, because she is a MAN.
So since I am a female it is simply pointless being accorsing to you, all women are not smart, so do you include yourself in that percential?
I am an atheist personally, but the state of humanity seems such that without fear of an angry god-thing, humans rarely have any interest in conducting themselves with any sense of moral, ethic or responsible decency. So as I have said before, if this is required for people to behave appropriately, all power to them.
However, I might point out to you that if you had a deeper knowledge of such texts, you would know that the penalty of stoning was for adultery, and BOTH people involved, man and woman, were put to death for it. as for pre-marital sex, that was fine as having had pre-marital sex, you were then forced into a marriage with the person you had sex with, NOT stoned to death. With the exception whereby that pre-marital sex involved the crime of adultery.
Feminists ARE against families, the very principle of abusing women whom choose to have a traditional family rather than allow their children to be raised by day-care strangers clearly demonstrates this. Not to mention numerous examples of feminists opening admitting their intent is to force a social revolution that indeed directly undermines traditional values which have stood the test of time. The huge outbreak of socially unacceptable behaviour by the youth of today serves to further demonstrate the result of “modern” families which are more akin to a financial burden partnership. Two room-mates in college with separate lives does NOT constitute a family. The model is the same even when a couple is married in our era. Sorry Hilary, you ARE a feminist, clearly by the ideals you espouse and defend.
Unconvincing fallacious logic. Dismissal without reading is evidence of ignorance and bias. You claim it is fictional, why? Because you saw the word “god” there? As a result you missed the evidence of quotes of modern feminists. How like someone with pre-conceived notions to dismiss as “fiction” anything which disagrees with their firmly held and baseless opinions on a matter.
It is not frightening to corporations that seek to have greater profit and income. Prices of life necessities can be raised according to how much affluence individual family groups have, and millions in turnover rapidly become billions, eventually trillions. But it IS frightening to think of children being raised by the state rather than a loving traditional family unit. The proof of that is clear for anyone whom cares to take notice of the decadence our youth and indeed society as a whole are undergoing. Sharing chores after the days work-shift ends means there’s even LESS time for the family units offspring to have any “quality” time with either of their parents after being in the hands of a stranger all day.
Its very different to this website if you bothered to read past the second instance of the word “god”. Perhaps your agnosticism causes you to have a vague sense of responsibility for your actions in the face of the possible truth you give to the existence of such a being, and guilt/fear of the outcome of your choices and decisions is something your mind rebels against utterly. Nothing like discomfort when a part of you realises that following the course of “what *I* want, is all about me!” is not as powerful a conviction, nor valid a set of values, as you would like to believe.
Hey Ladies,
I do believe your Lord of the Flies has just been outted!
Something is very fishy with this whole scenerio!
Okay Zardoz, regarding your earlier post on this page.
An intelligent troll? Why, thank you, you’re too kind.
I don’t consider myself a feminist, but I do think that it is rising to allow us to be seen as equal, of coarse there will be exceptions such as yourself.
As to Lady XX, she has not gotten used to this century, when women realize their potention, and don’t consider themselves unequal leeches. Same with VictorianLady, I do not care what their perceptions are, just as I do not care what your perceptions are concering me.
As for me, I do not wish that standards be lowered for women, we are just as intellegent as men. I want to become an investment banker, either that or in two years I will be able to get a film internship at a film company, as you can guess, I really aspire to become a producer or crtitic.
To end this response, I truly and sincerely do not care what any of you think. Call me what you want, it will not phase me one bit. Maybe some do care, I don’t know what they think I am not them, I am me. Being myself, I now what I think, and what I think does not regard your perceptions of me.
The film is set in the year 2293, a post-apocalypse Earth. The Earth is now inhabited mostly by the “Brutals”, ruled over by a warrior class called “Exterminators” or “the Chosen”. The Exterminators worship a huge flying stone head called Zardoz as their god, who teaches them:
The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth… and kill!
We got this out of Wikipedia and this is totally unedited. There is a bit more for anyone who doubts me.
Zardoz, please explain why you hate penis’?
Yup, all things I find pointless as well.
Hilary,
Respond to the windbag.
I know that it is pointless with you.
You want to know how I know that? I’m smart, but that’s a given since I am a female.
Which one, the one on this page or another?
The idea of a man doing all of that is not ‘far-fetched’ as it is unnecessary if a woman is present. Call me old-fashioned, but the kitchen is more of a woman’s place. A woman’s second place? The bedroom.
She can work if she wants to (i know I do so I don’t have to use any guy as a walking wallet), but in the home, her place should be taking care of those domestic chores.
I assume you are going to argue with me on this, but it’s pointless.