Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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That question goes both ways.
I do not agree with anything here, and why would I deny it even if I did?
I am on the internet, I don’t care what others think.
Dick makes his post on whatever few females he has spoken to in an intellectual conversation, and the streotypes presented on TV.
Yeah, right.
So why are you posting then if you don’t care?
Excuse me?
My future goals are not to have a family, but rather leave my impression on the world.
My dream is to be a producer, which in two years I will be able to get an internship a a film company which happens to be founded by a woman.
My fall-back plan is to become an investment banker, which my aunt was a stock broker, and will be able to help me in the basics, but I want to be able to rise to my potential on my own.
As for a family, I am young, and I do not know what the future holds, whehter I have a family or I don’t, but those are not my goals, and I am very excited and am anticipating when I will be working at a film comany.
I know that I am going to succeed my goals, and right now, they are my carreers.
Well said, and so very true in most instances.
So do you not agree with ANY part of the article? Do you not feel like feminism in ANY way damages families?
This is my experience with leaving my children to work outside the home. I thought that I wanted start working again. Obviously I had to put the little one in daycare. Within 3 days my child had an upper respiratory infection, pink eye, and another child bit him on his leg. That was enough for me to put the notion out of my head that by me working I was doing anything useful in regards to my children. But dont get me wrong, I enjoy working, I liked the work I did, but NOTHING is more important to me than my husband and kids and it just wasnt worth it.
I think the major reason that you and the “other two” cannot seem to fathom the ideas here is because you have no life experience. You are too young. You have no children. You have no husbands. Hell, JLA doesnt even have the NOTION of a husband, shes dating a guy that has cheated on her and she has cheated on him. She obvioulsy has some issues to overcome. One of these days though, you might just get married, you might just have children, and then maybe you will see why some of chose to believe the way we do. And truly you have a warped view of what feminism REALLY is, because basically you are just followers. Even if one of you agreed with something you read here, you wouldnt admit to it. Then one of your little girlfriends might get mad and kick you out of their group.
Your an idiot. We would get super fat if they lowerd the standards to the WOMEN’s version of the test. Because we wouldnt have to do SHIT to pass. Please remove yourself from this site.
Where the fuck was I talking about your drive to succeed. Doesnt matter. You could have all the drive in the world and STILL you would fucking fail the MALE test. Period.
As for your grades…… Easy to make those grades when you replace your books with knee-pads eh?
Then why is it that men are rarely better at bringing up a child, when Dick has said that women are horrid mothers?
As for your response to my response which was a response to your response ect. I am going to completely agree with Kiki and end this debate because it will constantly go on, and I do not feel like arguing with you when you are apparently content that you have found something that you can fall-back on when you have no other ideas, the fact that I am agnostic.
Wait a minute, wasn’t it you who told me a few days ago that the glass ceiling was bullshit?
Listen to me Zardoz.
I DID NOT DISMISS IT FOR GOD. I DISMISSED IT BECAUSE IT DID NOT PRESENT ANYTHING THAT HASN’T BEEN SAID ON THIS.
Hilary,
Zardoz uses a lot of quarter words and rambles on to hide the fact that he really has no idea what he is saying.
The roles are all but non-existent in the feminist model of society which we largely have now.
Dick’s website is humour. An amusing “man’s perspective” outlook on the very real dilemma’s facing modern society. The logic I referred to was your lack of it in dismissing the other websites views for having seen the term ‘god” there. You thus put everything it had to say into the “fiction” basket as a result.
People rarely miss what they have no personal conception of, no matter how grand a thing it may be. People whom can observe the difference in others which result from these two forms of development influences, DO notice a marked difference. In wow-female’s case, she herself noticed such a difference within her own offspring.
Yes, they were most certainly better days than we have now. I personally regret having missed them.
Are women truly enjoying their work? Perhaps you might to examine that belief a little more closely.
As for men staying home and raising their children, I see no issue with that if it truly works for any given couple, but that does not at all remove the clear fact that most men earn more than women, and frankly, if you ask an employer whom is not frightened of his words reaching the equal opportunity board, men perform their jobs with more efficiency and to a higher standard than most women. Which also accounts for the slightly higher pay bracket for performance based wages. There are always exception, but very few in this instance. Just as very few men are better suited to nurturing children rather than being the income earner.
Yes, you not only raised that issue yourself, but evidenced it as being your reason for dismissing the website you were directed toward as interesting reading. It signified having a deeper importance to you than you were ready to confess, I explored that aspect as a result. It was not intended as an “attack” however, I’m sorry you feel “attacked” by what I have to say. Confronted I understand, but this is not an “attack” by any means.
I’m adressed you perceptions of family, and the outcome of modern attitude towards family is sadly not amusing whatsoever.
I did not say your views were fogged by your agnosticism. Indeed perhaps it does help you form your views, as I rather sensed a lessening of the strength of your learned convictions in regard to certain aspects of it. This is what I addressed previously.
Its good to learn by making mistakes, its better still to learn from the mistakes of others. Its best of all to take wise and well intended words to heart and test them against everything the surface of everything you experience throughout your life.
I hope you do learn Hilary, I really do. As for my own views, I did learn. I learnt the folly of mistaking feminism as being supportive of an equality I myself espoused to as a youth. I also learnt to reason with an objective analysis of social structures and their cohesion, and then further make insight leaps into the direction our modern society is headed. My views are based on both experience, and a very broad scope of input. I have learnt my own lessons well.
I read parts of the article, but it did not provide any new “ideas”. It didn’t say anything that hasn’t already been presented here.
Also, a brick wall can’t type.
Dace I agree that the Military should have the same standard universally to join and stay in. Ofcourse, a shit load of you would have to leave because you get fat after you get in.
So, we are physically weaker, but that doesn’t mean that we do not have the drive to succeed.
You realize that it does not say dumb women, it says all women, so since you are a woman, you broke the rules when you first posted. Though since you applaude Dick’s ideas, you are naturally included in the boy’s club. But you realize that we do not care if we are accepted by you and your chauvinistic friends.
I personally enjoy the feedback, though Zaroz is one of the few that actually state rationally his thoughts, rather than cursing us out, which I find funny they take the time to say “Shut up!”, when they could simply wait for another debate to start.
She dismissed the article without even reading it. Hmph. She obviously puts the same amount of effort into understanding what is being said here. Like talking to a brick fucking wall.
Lets raise the standards for the military. Just… to the MAN standard. All women now have to pass the MALE version of the physical test to enter the military….. oh shit…. NONE of you would make it.
Not fucking one. Theres equality for you. Stupid cunts.