Manstory 101

Manstory — a lot like history except consisting only of the parts that matter — can be a funny thing. But it can also be a learning thing.

For example, did you know the pubs of Britain close so early because of World War II? It’s true. Pubs and bars were ruled to close at 11 o’clock so munitions workers would be up bright and early for work the next morning. It’s bullshit, but now we know the problem. Now we can work our mighty man muscles together toward a solution.

By the way, here’s the solution:

There is no more fucking World War II.

Problem solved. What’s the next one?

How about that Manstory also unravels the age old mystery of why women can’t shut the fuck up for five fucking seconds.

That’s true as well and there’s nothing funny about that one either. Women are endlessly chattering twats who can control their mouths as well as an incontinent dog at a fire hydrant factory who’s getting tickled. But lo and behold Manstory has the answer! And to find it we must take ourselves back to the times of the cavemen; when men carried sharp sticks and rocks instead of briefcases, and wore leather banana hammocks and gave a fuck about nothing at all and there was no goddamn Oprah or divorce court.

Fuck it was a good time to be a man!

Hunting is like fishing — or fish hunting as it is called in some parts world. Hunting is like fish hunting except for animals on land. Or maybe hunting is like golf. Fuck it. Here’s the deal: in hunting the name of the game is shut the fuck up while someone is doing it.

Let me paint the picture of cavemen in action.

See that guy in the leather banana hammock over there who’s about to take out a mastodon with his bare hands? Well if you don’t, keep your fucking mouth shut about it because we’re hunting and that motherfucker will serve like 80 bitches for a week. We will be banana hammock deep in bitches. You’re thinking it, I’m thinking it, but more importantly we’re both shutting the fuck up about it or nobody gets a damn thing.

That’s what early man was thinking about whilst out on patrol. Meat, bitches, and shutting the fuck up so a big ivory fuck you didn’t go shooting through their pelvis. Elephants are assholes. I can only assume they were doubly so while wearing a fur coat.

While men were out scrounging up the grub-grub, what were women doing? That’s right: fucking nothing! How about that; women haven’t changed in a million years.

But, Dick! Dick! Women did the gathering! I went to fourth grade, Dick!

Where did you go to fourth grade? Bitch school? Because you’re obviously a woman so fuck off my site. Women did no such thing. What happened was that men found some fruits and vegetables and shit on their way home and then figured out the seeds grew into more fruits and vegetables when they threw the chewed-on rinds and cores on the ground right outside their cave holes. Mind you, this was during a time long before women learned to displace emotional issues onto meaningless household clutter and then rabidly bitch about them.

Gatherers? How much fucking work is it to walk outside and pick up a ripe cucumber? If you don’t know, ask the nearest single women over 40. A dollar to a donut and a kick in my nuts says she’s got that shit down cold.

Oh yea, and women are chattering twats because they had to be obnoxiously loud to scare off predators while they were sitting around on their duffs wondering why magic fruit was growing out of the ground and when was a man going to come home to take care of it. This survival skill of yakking mindlessly evolved before language. Naturally, according to biology and evolution, women have not learned to make any additional sense with their bullshit.

Thanks, Manstory, for coming to the rescue again — the learning rescue.

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