Much Ado About Passing Out After Screwing
All mysteries in life can be solved by The Bible or through some scientific thought. Here’s an example:
Where did the moon come from?
From the Bible, we know that the moon is just there and wouldn’t you rather hear about magic apples and talking snakes? I know I would.
Science tells us that the moon was formed 4.5 billion years ago from the ejected matter of a collision between the Earth and a rogue proto-planet — except that the Earth is spinning too fast and is too large for that to have happened, so maybe it was two collisions or maybe Mother Earth just got a lot fatter after spawning.
Typical.
Why do men fall asleep after sex?
That question has bothered me for years because women act like there’s something to stay awake for. There isn’t. There’s only a forty minute monologue on childhood experiences. Childhood experiences that happened to a girl. That means they’re either half-true, half-cryptic stories of child-abuse or subtle ways of her telling you she could have been a model.
Men are better than women at having childhood experiences. Men have hilarious childhood stories that are as entertaining as they are inaccurate. Accuracy is for footnotes.
Evolution
The reason humans have thumbs and not no-thumbs is because humans with thumbs were more suited to survive in the wild. All thumbless humans died out or were beaten to death with clubs that required thumbs to use. The same is true of the colon: the manliest organ. The colon is able to take an unending amount of shit and keep on working. That’s manly.
That’s also evolution.
Let’s assume that at some point there were two types of human males: those who did and those who didn’t fall asleep after sex. Well the ones who didn’t would have evolved right out of existence and I’ll tell you why. Women are dumb as shit and also worse parents than a broken television.
Women are Awful Parents
If prison or suicide statistics are anything to go by, children raised by single mothers are violent, self-destructive maniacs with little positive influence on society and even less potential for personal success. If prehistoric men didn’t fall asleep after pleasuring their prehistoric skanks, then they certainly would have split in the middle of the night faster than dropping a pregnant anchor off a short pier. Prehistoric man didn’t even know “rape”, good luck explaining the myth of “responsibility”.
Last names and Little League had not yet been invented in 10,000 BC. Men would have had no reason to raise illegitimate children.
Men are faster than women. Without the anchor of sleep, all prehistoric children would have been raised by women and thus become suicidal deviants unable to reproduce. They would have murdered each other or killed themselves out due to a crippling lack of self-esteem before Evolution Round Two.
Women are Dumb
Women interpret the endless ability to run their mouths with no consequence as “unconditional love”. That’s why they’re obsessed with dogs. Dogs are the only creatures on the planet able to listen to a woman’s gear-grinding torrent of nonsense with no objection. Slugs and rocks do not have ears.
When men fall asleep after sex, women run their mouths like toothless chainsaws, getting nowhere at a steady and annoying volume and suffering absolutely no consequence for it. That’s when a woman “falls in love” with you; when you’re on your face trying to ignore a story that sounds like Peter Frampton has gotten hold of a dentist drill about her favorite drunk uncle who touched her inappropriately after a fifth grade fashion show that the Penny Saver ran a two paragraph piece on in between an article on gardening and an ad for Hollywood Chiropractic — which is also why she personally hates alcohol.
Once a woman is “in love”, she’ll cling like a charged up pitbull. Even a few knocks to the head won’t make a pitbull let go. The only thing that will is a tastier looking piece of meat or a fatter wad of money.
Women prefer you to fall asleep after sex. Think about it. During a man’s sleep is the only time a woman may speak out loud without feeling as though she is a big, fat retard. And that’s not our manly fault. When you try to cram a wrinkled twenty dollar bill of Monopoly money into a vending machine, there’s no polite way to tell you that you are dumb and that your salary doesn’t matter because the only reason you have a job in the first place is because you have a huge rack and you don’t admit when guys are hitting on you because your mother couldn’t keep her husband. In a way exactly opposite to that does an awake man listen to a woman.
The Bible
What does the Bible say about sleeping? It says that’s when all the trouble started for poor Adam. He went to sleep and God baked him a walking, talking fuck-up. Take a lesson from the Bible and kick her out before she ruins your paradise.
Related Articles:
February 20th, 2008 at 5:45 am - IP Man-Hash: 9342b2aa308e5
That’s about as far as I got before dumping her post into my word processor - another manly invention to make womens’ lives easier - to count how many words Kezia was wasting.
442.
Four hundred more than Douglas Addams answer to the question of the meaning of life, the universe and everything.
42.
An age beyond which most women lose any possible value they may have.
442 - 400 - 42 =
0
The sum total of female contributions to civilisation.
It’s not about the “pillow talk”. It’s about the talk. Bear in mind that women are subjected to a certain amount of shut up during sex and need to make up for lost time.
See Kezia’s first post for a case of can’t shut up.
Kezia needs more sex.
February 20th, 2008 at 11:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 60b9632657c7c
Then you agree with me.
-Dick
February 20th, 2008 at 12:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4e92ed923e1e4
Eh, why’re you so concerned? I agree that some women can be annoying - to put it mildly, but I could find just as many men who’re creatures of surfaces, materialistic, two-faced and the rest.
And true, men hold presidencies, but what good are they doing? No woman would ever be able to top the stupidity of George W. Bush, Musharraf, Ahmadinejad, Sarkozy… What if Maryan Rajavi, Jean-Marie Le Pen, Benazir Bhutto (I’m not too fond of Hilary Clinton) had been elected instead? I know for a fact that the world wouldn’t be worse off, if not better, if that had been the case.
Just stop assuming that all women are the same, most of us are aware of our major issues, there is no reason to rub it in.
February 20th, 2008 at 1:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1ace054919063
EVERYONE AGREES :D
February 20th, 2008 at 3:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 03ff6e683a07d
All women are whores because women paint their faces with cosmetics and drape their bodies with revealing garments in a vain attempt to exploit male sexual vulnerability. Each and every single woman on the surface of the planet, including the ugliest and the sickest, uses her body to extort money, power, and status from the most desirable males. The best way to parsimoniously explain why female socio-sexual behaviour always operates within this basic paradigm is to point out the greater female susceptibility to disease, especially during the onset of menopause, and the fact that the primary female physiological urge gravitates around the full realization of the maternal instinct. The most effective way for any woman to shore up a flagging immune system and control those epidemiological factors that warrant the spread of disease is to use her scantily clad body, including a face smeared with war paint, as a means of ensnaring a dominant male with substantial economic clout. The only way any woman can successfully breed is by first being able to establish an economically stable environment in which to breed in. Given the fact that she cannot participate in the workforce continuously due to a cycle of gestation that results in complete physical debilitation of the female, it follows that the logical extension of the motivation to reproduce successfully is to attract an economically self-sufficient alpha male.
Men are not and cannot be whores for obvious reasons (except amongst homosexuals), many of which are deeply rooted within the very fabric of sexual physiological differentiation between both genders. Men seek sexual gratification for reasons of internal biological compulsion due to greater levels of sensitivity in behavioural responsiveness to testicular gonadal steroidogenesis. Since female sexuality, strictly speaking, does not possess any of the complex circuitry that ultimately regulates the neuro-endocrinological basis of the male libido, women are largely driven to seek out sexual “gratification” through extrinsic motivational factors such as monetary remuneration and maternity. Therefore, all women are whores.
Since women are either completely sexually frigid or possess hardly any sexual passion to begin with, it follows logically that they are the ones who determine both the frequency of sexual intercourse and the conditions under which it occurs. Men can only have access to coitu normali based on the amount of natural resources they are able to command through aggressiveness and competitiveness. It is obvious that the overwhelming majority of women are generally passionless, asexual beings who need to be presented with additional socio-economic incentive in order to exercise reproductive choice during mate selection. Therefore, all women are whores.
It only takes one man to simultaneously tie up the reproductive functioning of multiple females, depriving many males of sexual access to available females. This sets up a system of social competition along the lines of Darwinian evolution in which a surplus of males competes for available females as a scarce commodity. Those men who compete successfully, only do so by being able to present the greatest amount of money, power and status in relation to other competing males. Therefore, all women are whores.
The mass prostitution of heterosexual males to females has never been known to exist. There is no historical documentation or objective scientific evidence pointing to the existence of female-dominated male heterosexual prostitution. Therefore, every single woman on the surface of the planet is a brazen, shameless whore.
In sum, to put it colloquially, only women are whores because women only fuck for money and power. Men are not and cannot be whores because men only fuck for pleasure.
“All women are whores; some whores have better gigs than others.”
February 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3e09fe4cb3fd2
Commander Scott - you are psychotic.
February 20th, 2008 at 3:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: c920e0d3b5469
Commander Scott - you are a genius.
February 20th, 2008 at 3:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4e92ed923e1e4
Well, hmmm, off the top off my head, there was this one woman in NY who had strangled and sexually mutilated her step-dad because he had raped her since she was 3 years old. Now, that is amazing, spectacular. :D Definitely a contribution to society, do you think?
I would name 4 other things, but before I do that, could you kindly stop sucking up to men and sniffing their “thrones”? It’s becoming increeeasingly nauseating.
February 20th, 2008 at 4:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: 03ff6e683a07d
All women are whores because women paint their faces with cosmetics and drape their bodies with revealing garments in a vain attempt to exploit male sexual vulnerability. Each and every single woman on the surface of the planet, including the ugliest and the sickest, uses her body to extort money, power, and status from the most desirable males. The best way to parsimoniously explain why female socio-sexual behaviour always operates within this basic paradigm is to point out the greater female susceptibility to disease, especially during the onset of menopause, and the fact that the primary female physiological urge gravitates around the full realization of the maternal instinct. The most effective way for any woman to shore up a flagging immune system and control those epidemiological factors that warrant the spread of disease is to use her scantily clad body, including a face smeared with war paint, as a means of ensnaring a dominant male with substantial economic clout. The only way any woman can successfully breed is by first being able to establish an economically stable environment in which to breed in. Given the fact that she cannot participate in the workforce continuously due to a cycle of gestation that results in complete physical debilitation of the female, it follows that the logical extension of the motivation to reproduce with a favourable outcome is to attract a financially self-sufficient alpha male.
No man possesses the capacity to successfully whore himself out (except amongst homosexuals). The many reasons for the economic valuelessness of male sexuality are deeply rooted within the very fabric of sexual physiological differentiation between both genders. Men seek sexual gratification for reasons of internal biological compulsion due to higher levels of sensitivity in behavioural responsiveness to testicular gonadal steroidogenesis. Since female sexuality, strictly speaking, does not possess any of the complex circuitry that ultimately regulates the neuro-endocrinological basis of the male libido, women are largely driven to seek out sexual “gratification” through extrinsic motivational factors such as monetary remuneration and maternity. Consequently, all women are whores.
Since women are either completely sexually frigid or possess hardly any sexual passion to begin with, it follows logically that they are the ones who determine both the frequency of sexual intercourse and the conditions under which it occurs. Men can only have access to coitu normali based on the amount of natural resources they are able to command through aggressiveness and competitiveness. It is obvious that the overwhelming majority of women are generally passionless, asexual beings who need to be presented with additional socio-economic incentive in order to exercise reproductive choice during mate selection. Therefore, all women are whores.
It only takes one man to simultaneously tie up the reproductive functioning of multiple females, depriving many males of sexual access to available females. This sets up a system of social competition along the lines of Darwinian evolution in which a surplus of males competes for available females as a scarce commodity. Those men who compete successfully, only do so by being able to present the greatest amount of money, power and status in relation to other competing males. Ergo, all women are whores.
The mass prostitution of heterosexual males to females has never been known to exist. There is no historical documentation or objective scientific evidence pointing to the existence of female-dominated male heterosexual prostitution. Therefore, every single woman on the surface of the planet is a brazen, shameless whore.
In sum, to put it colloquially, only women are whores because women only fuck for money and power. Thus, no man can be a whore because men only fuck for pleasure.
“All women are whores; some whores have better gigs than others.”
February 20th, 2008 at 4:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3e09fe4cb3fd2
Im pretty sure he can be genius and psychotic at the same time. I do not doubt his intelligience, only his mental stability, as I seriously doubt yours Muzalon.
February 20th, 2008 at 5:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: f56549d00273a
Actually scott, I think men can be whores. Like how nerdy guys will do the cheerleaders homework because he thinks that will improve his chances of getting with her, straight men could similarly manipulate gay men. I havent figured out the logistics of it yet, but Im working on it.
BTW, everything else you said is true.
February 20th, 2008 at 6:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: c5c3f4aca5f9a
Hello everyone.
I forgot which comedian it was, but he simply starts off with,,
ALL WOMEN ARE LIARS
You wear make-up - Your face doesnt really look like that
You wear heels - You are not that tall
You color/shade/highlight your hair - guess what, its not real
tits look great - push up bra
Nice ass - push up pants, lol
Nice legs - stocking and or tanning gel
nice house/apt - decorated right out of a magazine, no individual thought
Suffice it to say we could go on and on forever.
Women are liars, plain and simple.
It is impossible for a woman to be honest with herself, much less anyone else. There all to busy trying to be sluttier than the next one to get 5 minutes of undivided attention from anyone.
February 20th, 2008 at 7:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1d8bbc2872c5f
The laws of women were vividly illustrated by Kezia.
Keep the hits coming ladies. Can’t buy this kind of entertainment.
Oh wait, yes you can. Dick’s book will be out in April.
February 20th, 2008 at 7:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1d8bbc2872c5f
Kezia: Read this post http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com/forums/about34.html&highlight=law s+women
Is it embarrassing to know that you are so predictable? It must be.
Nice post Zaphod. Made me laugh.
February 20th, 2008 at 7:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: 79c9475d8250f
All women are liars. This is one of the great truths about femininity and one of the many statements that could be made about women that accurately reflect reality. Even the great Austrian philosopher Otto Weininger once spoke of the organic mendacity of womankind.
Great post, Zaphod. It certainly put a smile on my face.
February 20th, 2008 at 8:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: c2b2048f43632
Come on, punishing rapists? Men do that on a regular basis. She meant something actually worthwhile. You know like cars, stoplights, and the computer you’re using.
February 20th, 2008 at 10:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
I wonder… woman. How many years ago was this? And more importantly, how many fucking witnesses were there? One? Wow, con-fucking-venient, let’s just pray that you don’t end up burning in hell for that one alone. You sociopath whore.
February 20th, 2008 at 11:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: c920e0d3b5469
Why doubt his mental stability? He builds his misogynistic arguments around classic evolutionary psychology, just like Stephen Pinker of MIT… who is an esteemed scholar, the last time I checked. Just because someone does not accept the skewed ‘research’ in feminist rags like Cosmo hardly makes him a candidate for the Funny Farm.
No serious sexual researchers take the ‘All women have 200 Orgasms a day!!!’ headlines very seriously, either… because they derive exclusively from absurdly unrepresentative samples - namely white, upper-middle class metropolitan women heavily conditioned by the media.
February 21st, 2008 at 1:36 am - IP Man-Hash: 540f95f4d5a0c
I too, salute your genius, Commander.
Just remember though: the term “femininity” in reference to today’s Western whimmin doesn’t (or very rarely) apply.
February 21st, 2008 at 9:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
i prefer post coitus coitus to post coitus chit chat