Killing Me Softly
Since the beginning of time, man has sought to cheat death by doing the dirty deed himself. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about suicide.
While I don’t personally think suicide is the way to go, I understand the mantality of it — a mantality that can be expressed as simply as, “That’ll show the bastard.” It’s the way we men have lived and loved since Mother Earth felt her first Five Across the Eyes in the form of plowshare and a patch of turnips.
“Herd be damned,” said primitave man. “Because of my mighty mangenuity, this is where I’m living from now on. Right where I planted these turnips. And if I so chose, this is where I’ll be dying, by lifting a massive boulder and then dropping it on my head.”
You have to respect that.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt suicide than men.
Typical. Of course you could replace the word “suicide” in the above text with absolutely whatever the fuck you wanted and it would still be accurate.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit to a monogamous relationship than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt to balance a family and a career — or a simple fucking checkbook — than men.
We all knew where that was going. Men get the job done, plain and simple. Be it for reasons of gambling debts, desperate loneliness, or simple oldness; men know how to do everything with their lives, including end them, while women just know how to fill out credit card applications, adopt another cat, or keep draining the system until it’s as dry as they are — respectively.
So why are the success rates so wildly different? It seems obvious, that women who overdose on pills or try to tip a vending machine on top of themselves are just crying for attention, but is that the case? Maybe, but what if it’s something else?
What if women just don’t know how the body works. Here’s an example: if you ask a man how to get in shape every single one will tell you the exact same thing, “Eat less, exercise more.” It’s the miracle diet that has kept men in their primes for thousands of years. Ask a woman the same question, however, and you’re likely to hear some fancy sounding bullshit.
“Resolve your emotional issues with your mother by taking a class at the learning annex.” Wherein she means snacking on Doritos in the back of a Religious Studies seminar whilst learning about the prevalence of angels and fairies and other mystical shit.
“Carbs are the devil.” Right. Too bad we’ll never know what the effect of a woman not gorging herself on carbs is; seeing as how none of them can keep the fucking sugar loaded coffee drinks and snack foods out of their gaping maws.
And then comes the mother of all fitness fuck ups: “Yoga”.
My point is, women are so lousy at suicide because they actually don’t know how the fuck the human body works. It seems simple enough to us men; put a bullet in the brain and it stops working, however, the same principle of put a donut in your gut and it gets bigger is completely lost on women. They just don’t understand cause and effect like us men do.
Then again, maybe it’s a little of both: attention whoring mixed with women and their rampant dumbness. There’s only one thing we know for sure, and that’s no man has ever killed himself while he was pregnant. Sadly, the same can’t be said for women.
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December 20th, 2005 at 7:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: c9f3d64ff5217
Hiding behind it, never, proudly displaying it, most certainly and most mantastically. Now why would her boyfriend wish ill of me, as I have no quarrel with him and if her boyfriend is indeed in law enforcement officer, then there can be no quarrel for not only are we men, but part of a brotherhood as well. If it is my comments about Female that he is unhappy with, then perhaps he should keep her off this site.
December 21st, 2005 at 1:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
Where is your police station geezer? Are you “on the beat” or a desk jockey?
December 21st, 2005 at 2:03 am - IP Man-Hash: b522825ecb752
Female, please, the door is right over there. No one is impressed by any of your (what I’m sure you believe to be very) witty retorts. All you do is reaffirm what we already know about your sad, sad gender. Tell your boyfriend we’re all sorry for him. Goodbye. (Hopefully for the last time)
December 21st, 2005 at 2:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
Yes, I hope that’s the last time I have to read another of your pathetic whines for me to leave. You’re not KingofMisogyny by any chance?
Maybe just his transgender boyfriend then.
December 21st, 2005 at 2:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60b660aafc3e4
“Grump, one minute you love me, the next you hate me. Make up your borderline personality disordered mind (no offence to any other BPDs reading this site)”
It’s interesting how you misconstrue my words.
December 21st, 2005 at 2:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0e2f2db43d2f0
Ahhhhh, back to the name-calling, gender-questioning, 3rd grade antics. What adolescent predictability!
December 22nd, 2005 at 2:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
It’s boring that I have to see your words.
December 22nd, 2005 at 3:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
Man Law, what are we up to now? 11?
Man Law 11. Men are oblivious. It’s so obvious.
For those coming in late, in Man Law 1, we learnt that men cannot see. This is not to say they are completely blind and live in a world of dark (Dick, being the one and only exception to this) but rather, men cannot see inanimate objects, unless those animate objects are shiny and/or new.
As soon as an object becomes >5 weeks old with a layer of dust on it, it loses shine and then becomes invisible to mancrap vision. You might think that if the dust was cleaned off an object that it would regain its shine and men would be able to discover it again, alas, this is an impossible fantasy because in order for the dust to be removed, a man must be able to see dust.
And as we know and as scientists have proved, men cannot see dust. The men on this board have admitted this themselves, perhaps in an attempt to absolve themselves from cleaning. Feministic conspiracy theorists have taken on the Dust, can men actually see it? debate and tossed in the argument that men can see dust, but they deny this due to not wanting to be seen flipping about like a ballet dancer with a feathery pink duster in their hands. I can’t say I blame them.
Getting back to the topic, men can’t see their special things lost under layers of dust and so to them shit constantly goes missing. Ergo, their constant questioning of women for the directions to the location of special missing object. For example, their brain.
December 22nd, 2005 at 3:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 3f6f1bc89c9c0
What in the fuck!? “We” have proved? I don’t know which logical fallacy to start with. 1) You’re not in a group that would be considered scientists and 2) even if there were a “we” they would have proved nothing. This is because your conclusion is absolute rubbish. I’ve reserved this term for only the most egregious of offenders, and I certainly have no problem saying that you are a joke…fucking clown shoes.
December 22nd, 2005 at 3:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
I’m afraid I do not shop where you and Ronald do.
http://www.clownsoport.com/InStockMain2.htm
December 22nd, 2005 at 5:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60b660aafc3e4
Dan, do you really believe that female cares about whether her conclusions are rubbish? She doesn’t. I doubt she’s serious about most of the things she writes here. She is merely here to punish you and anybody else who even remotely agrees with Dick. So..why waste your time giving her any sensible rebuttal? You are only playing into her hands.
Female, my dear, I’m not here to entertain you. You are here to entertain me. Thank you
December 23rd, 2005 at 1:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 3f6f1bc89c9c0
You’re correct in saying that it is a waste of my time to rebut her statements. Where I think you’re wrong is when you think she’s somehow formulating these statements just to get a reaction. She posts them for the reaction, but the beliefs are truly hers.
December 23rd, 2005 at 5:11 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Do you know what I really like about clown shoes, I like the way the advertising of them is just so clowny. Normally when you want to buy shoes, they are positioned perfectly responsibly in an upright manner, sometimes you see both, but usually you just see one. It’s not like you need a second shoe there for the other one to be interacting with in any way. They’re both the same, one picture is enough, thanks for asking.
This of course does not apply to clown shoes. Their colour and style is simply not enough to indicate the sheer craziness of their character and they must be positioned at strange and illogical angles to each other to get the message across.
http://www.clownsoport.com/InStockMain2.htm
Another interesting fact about clown shoes is that they are a right fucking rip off, but not to worry, if you can’t afford $500 buck for a pair, you can just get all clowny creative and make your very own. Joy!
http://www.clown-shoes.com/shoe-best-value.shtml
December 23rd, 2005 at 6:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 0e2f2db43d2f0
I agree Dan, but her name says it all. Women can not reason their way out of a wet paper bag and when it comes to thinking objectively…well, I think you know where this is going.
December 24th, 2005 at 1:12 am - IP Man-Hash: aaf6cf4dca88f
The bitch is just an attention whore.
Merry christmas to all Men.
December 26th, 2005 at 12:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: d754ab99d7c00
Merry Christmas, Christian, and Happy Christmas/Hannukah/New Year to all, even the women.
-wolfe
August 25th, 2007 at 7:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8bb483569c600
ooooo statistics =P
December 17th, 2007 at 7:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
So now men are better as killing themselves?
You are quite proud of that aren’t you, why don’t you test that….
The taking of one’s life is a serious matter and you are bragging about it?
Kind.
And tell me where you get these statisctic?
It’s just great that you are able to make these things up and people will believe you, but that is only because they believe anything you say, it’s quite funny that they hold you as a sort of God
January 26th, 2008 at 10:32 am - IP Man-Hash: 704442c4e98b2
You’re proud that you can kill yourself. Good for you, nice accomplishment.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3f6a0f6796fab
Agree or disagree with this dude, but he does have the right to express his opinions. Looks like you’re sick and tired of feminism, my man.