Shitting Is Awesome

There are two things in life you can count on: death and shitting.

Fuck taxes.

Women invented taxes.

Sometimes, I listen to the conversations of women. Sometimes like when two women in two different cars park going opposite ways in the middle of the fucking street just because they see the other one driving. Well done. You’re driving, I’m driving. Let’s throw a fucking parade.

Oh wait, we can’t because two donkey, half-wits have parked right in the middle of the street. Send all the kids home and tell the clowns to go fuck themselves.

All women talk about when they’re on their own is men. Who can blame them? Is there any topic more fascinating and engaging than men and their man-tivities? I think not. Men are better than women.

Men are dirty!

False. Women zero, Dick one. Ever heard of Mr. Clean? There’s no Miss Clean. There is a Mrs. Butterworths. What the fuck does that tell you?

Men have no feelings!

I guess some fucking woman directed Schindler’s List then. Dick two.

All men talk about is the toilet!

Half true. Women get half a point and I get seven. I win.

Men enjoy talking about the toilet — specifically the big number two. Captain deuce. The high-flying cargo drop. So what?

Going to the bathroom with poop is the first thing a human being learns to master. Think about that for a second. You, me, the pope, even some kind of 17th century violin prodigy; everyone still has to take a shit first before they get their hands on any bibles or violins or whatever you do. And once men master something goddammit we stick to it like man-glue. We never stop enjoying it. For men, the destination is the journey, the sauce is seller, and the toilet is an inspiring metaphor of life.

Men are all about the fundamentals. That’s how we do everything so fucking perfectly every time. The first thing we men learn how to do is take a shit. We’re not going to just drop it right there. That would make us women, not men. We’re going to keep talking about shitting. We’re going to keep perfecting it and ourselves by bringing it to the forefront of conversation and discussing it openly and honestly — and hilariously. That’s manly.

That’s why there aren’t any women virtuoso anything’s, because as soon as a woman learns how to scrape by she stops trying. The only thing women ever learn is how to sell their vaginas to the highest bidder. No matter who wins, we all fucking lose.

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