Steel Magnolias Can Eat Shit.
When us men want to sink our teeth into only the very manliest (and therefore best) of cinema, we turn to the greats: Die Hard, Tremors, Caddyshack. Then, after we’ve whet our appetites with those warm-ups, we turn to one of the man-est movies of all of time: Dr. Strangelove.
This movie is everything that a great movie should be, because it is itself the very apogee of all things man.
Firstly, it’s good because it was written by a man. That can’t be said for all movies — only good ones. Men are better than women at writing movies because men have a firm grasp of reason and chronology whereas women have a firm grasp of fuck-all. That’s a British way to say “fucking nothing”. As a man I know how people talk all around the world, while women can barely pronounce “nuclear”.
If you want to hear a story as told by a woman, try listening to her tell you about her day. Surprise, surprise! You can’t because it’s completely impossible. It’s like listening to a Madlib backwards. You wouldn’t think a woman’s actions could make less sense, but somehow when she retells them to you, they actually fucking do.
Events in women’s stories happen in orders that are wildly implausible. And even worse, you know that nothing funny is going to be coming up because she wouldn’t have even noticed it in the first place.
Women never notice anything funny. If you want to get away with something a woman doesn’t want you doing, just do it in a giant foam cowboy hat. To any woman in the vicinity, you’ll go from “about to be busted” to “totally fucking invisible” in like two seconds — because those hats are hilarious and her mind will block you out.
Dr. Strangelove takes a good hard look at things through this lens of man-reason, putting women in the sole role of answering a phone while the man of the house is otherwise occupied (keep in mind that this movie was invented years before the answering machine), and letting men do what men do best and way better than women: run everything and tell everyone on Earth what the fuck to do and how they’re doing it the fuck wrong.
All women have to offer in response is the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Dumbo’s magic feather didn’t make him fly. Just like a bunch of women getting together and pretending they don’t secretly hate the fuck out of each other isn’t going to make it magically happen.
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January 4th, 2006 at 4:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 60ea366507b28
Everyone likes different movies, however I won’t be the first to say that Steel Magnolias sucked ass.
February 12th, 2006 at 9:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 49c9ff889fded
Megz, actually a duster (as I know it) is a long cowboy trench coat. Quite manly.
February 12th, 2006 at 10:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 745f64395b109
Too complicated for em! Biff.
If it’s not covered in flowers, is pink, has lace or does not come from a therapist.
Then it’s just too difficult.
February 13th, 2006 at 9:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: ff3f6c368b4bc
You know men, I absolutely love the comment about the duster. It’s true that any man would know that a duster is like a trench coat. However, I find it truly typical that a woman would associate it with a household cleaning device. This proves that, no matter how independent a woman may seem (aka Megz), she is still subconsciously dependent upon her true meaning in life…cooking and cleaning. Apart from these things, she is nothing. She can’t even insult us without showing her true colors. So go on all you independent women out there, keep opening your mouths and proving to us men how dependent you truly are.
February 13th, 2006 at 10:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8c78dc5304b3b
Well said.
-Dick
February 14th, 2006 at 7:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 957564b4aff6d
I love dusters - referring to the item of clothing, of course, not the cleaning tool. I think I prefer a duster to a trench coat, actually - a duster still has that hard edge to it, without the associations of teen angst and posers which the trench coat has sadly been accumulating over the last few years.
I own a copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Colin Firth. (Convinced that I’m a woman now?)
July 21st, 2006 at 9:29 am - IP Man-Hash: bdc8fa086da6e
I too wholeheartedly concur that Steel Magnolias is a film of epic homophile content. Not just this particular movie but all “chick flicks” with plots focused entirely around touchy-feely emotionalism. I’m sure all us men remember having to go see Titanic for the 3rd time that week with our wives and girlfriends. To your surprise you discovered that most of the men in the theater with you decided they couldn’t hold back their laughter over the display of mascera running madness while the ship was sinking and went to the bathroom to wait it out with all the other guys.
Pearl Harbor should actually be titled Titanic 2. They took a tragic event in history and twisted it into a fucking romance! Have some couth from Christ’s sake!
July 22nd, 2006 at 2:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ab3a24c5385
Indeed, I was extremely disappointed with Pearl Harbor. Take the masscre of thousands of american soldiers and make half of the movie a fucking LOVE story? What a farce.
Strength and Honor-
August 2nd, 2006 at 10:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: c7e50dfbe9e7a
Duster are also great cars as well as clothing item…not that Id wear one considering I find them a bit outdated. Circa early 1900s to be exact. Im a girl too. Chick films play on our emotions. Emotions are a intutive sort of emotion. The reason women are more developed in this area is years of repression by a dominate male class. Men are more pragmatic because they have been busy oppressing people and causing practical things to happen in history. Which is all very well until you take a squint at the very true money-grubbing history most counties have. To be honest this whole website sounds like it was written by a crazy nerd-boy who sits alone in his basement wacking it and blaming women for his issues. Did mummy not hug him enough when he was a kid? Did daddy whip his ass for having any kind of nice normal emotion? Take a cheer-up pill and get over it. We are equal in many things and inferior in many things. A movies good if its good and bad if its bad. Simply put. Oh well. I feel better for venting. Now on that note…Fascists Unite!!!!
August 3rd, 2006 at 12:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Tautology or users thereof have no place in this temple of manthought and manreason. Please remove yourself from here.
August 3rd, 2006 at 2:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
I think that’s the winner for best statement this week.
Hlr, you seem to be trying to say something. Your view, however, is decidedly Marxist and stunningly naive. It’s sad that you choose to go the ad-hominem route in your post.
Best,
-wolfe
September 14th, 2007 at 11:15 am - IP Man-Hash: 1e7a1f7f0ed39
George C. Scott was the man.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8a70fda7ecf31
I am so far on the tail end of this conversation, I know I will be laughed at. But listen, find the greateest man you can. Let him be stout of heart and stature…full of virture and good deeds. He can be of any occupation or endeavor…make him rich and wealthy, if you please. Chisel his face into a woman’s evey desire. Leave no stone unturned. Let him be the epitamy of what a women finds sexy. take away all his flaws, and let his virtues excell fourfold. But in all of this and more besides, no matter how great a man he think he is or how virtuous over a woman he claims; it took a “woman” to bring him here.
December 11th, 2007 at 8:33 am - IP Man-Hash: 44436308bd6b0
I love Steel Magnolias!!! :)
December 11th, 2007 at 8:48 am - IP Man-Hash: 8e86de744d7eb
Oh but you whineyass little girls break all the rules when chating on internet and sharing photos of your ragged twats. The language you claim you learned in grade 1 was created like most things by a man.
shut your cunt and fukkoff
December 11th, 2007 at 8:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 8e86de744d7eb
You’re a girl and the only reason you would think a Duster was a fine car. All manly men know better. But we invented the car and well everything you ingrates know of.
Emotions are like brain farts, they wreak with odor and are worthless to the real world. Woemn were never oppressed but of course you’re a woman anad emotions can’t distinguish between fact or fiction.
Women have issues and everything is an issue.
You see men cant even get away from you girls because you’re far from being independent. You women always go where the men are because you can’t do anything for yourselves. It takes a man and you know that. fukkoff stupid cunt
December 11th, 2007 at 9:06 am - IP Man-Hash: c91238cd8e20b
Another one for the pregnancy card!
December 11th, 2007 at 9:12 am - IP Man-Hash: 51cb7508a7f6d
YOU ARE A LITTLE BITCH MANSVAGINA JESUS, DICK? DICK? HELP!
April 17th, 2008 at 3:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: ac3f53db300f0
Robert Harling wrote Steel Magnolia’s. I grew up in the town where this film was based on and created. He generated all his characters from women he knew. I must agree that many of them lacked intelligence but there is a deeper (heaven forbid) understanding in this movie than intelligeble southern rambling. I, personally, had to get out of the area before my IQ dropped.
April 19th, 2008 at 6:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: 90850f55d960b
I cannot stand those whiney girly movies. Give me a good ‘ole comedy any day.
Cheers
-man-space invader-