Dick’s Book Club: The Taming of the Shrew

I was doing a bit of research on Oprah this afternoon. For example, did you know her real name is Orpah? That is absolutely true and you can look it up.

Orpah. Like the whale.

Also, Orpah has this thing called Oprah’s Book Club. While women may buy books, I’m certain they don’t actually read them. At least not the whole book. That’s why women read the last page of a book first. If they forget about reading it halfway through, it doesn’t matter because they already know how it ended.

Because I think books should be read and not just bought, I’m starting my own book club. Starting this month, I’m going to pick one manly book every month that can be read in a manly way and enjoyed manfully. This month’s book is entitled The Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare.

I was told that The Taming of the Shrew is about a woman who learns how to shut the fuck up. That means it’s a wilder tale of fantasy than William Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream or Robert Klane’s Weekend At Bernie’s. I can’t be sure though because I haven’t read it.

But I can imagine such a thing, and honestly I would believe a dead guy foiling some drug dealers over a woman shutting her mouth.

The Taming of the Shrew is about wife training. Apparently, Shakespeare was like an Elizabethan Cesar Milan — except for women. Here are some great stunts to pull (taken directly from The Taming of the Shrew) if your wife has trouble finding the mute button on her mouth.

Take away her food.

No surprise there. The last thing any woman needs is more food.

Women dump millions of dollars into programs that take away food for them. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, prescription laxatives; these are things women buy for the sole purpose of depriving themselves of food. Read The Taming of the Shrew. Then, do your woman a favor and empty the fridge.

When she finds her manners, let it rain granola bars.

Take away her makeup

In the Taming of the Shrew, the main guy takes away his misbehaving woman’s clean clothing. In Shakespeare’s time, women had not yet figured out how to get loads of attention by wearing everything a size too small and made out of velour. Since velour sweatsuits don’t really get dirty while women aren’t wearing them to the gym, do the next best thing and take away her makeup instead.

Give her a taste of her own medicine

An interesting strategy I found in The Taming of the Shrew is to give a disobedient woman a taste of her own medicine. That means matching her Crazy Knife with a Crazy Pistol, and matching her Crazy Pistol with a Crazy Tank. For example, if a woman says something to embarrass you, do something to her that’s twice as embarrassing. Why not compare her new love handles to those of her mother? Or give her a good “sharking”. The important thing, according to Shakespeare, is to never let your man-compassion get the better of you.

A novel strategy, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you own anything out of a woman’s price range; like a plasma TV or a Mr. Coffee.

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