Dick’s Book Club: The Taming of the Shrew
I was doing a bit of research on Oprah this afternoon. For example, did you know her real name is Orpah? That is absolutely true and you can look it up.
Orpah. Like the whale.
Also, Orpah has this thing called Oprah’s Book Club. While women may buy books, I’m certain they don’t actually read them. At least not the whole book. That’s why women read the last page of a book first. If they forget about reading it halfway through, it doesn’t matter because they already know how it ended.
Because I think books should be read and not just bought, I’m starting my own book club. Starting this month, I’m going to pick one manly book every month that can be read in a manly way and enjoyed manfully. This month’s book is entitled The Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare.
I was told that The Taming of the Shrew is about a woman who learns how to shut the fuck up. That means it’s a wilder tale of fantasy than William Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream or Robert Klane’s Weekend At Bernie’s. I can’t be sure though because I haven’t read it.
But I can imagine such a thing, and honestly I would believe a dead guy foiling some drug dealers over a woman shutting her mouth.
The Taming of the Shrew is about wife training. Apparently, Shakespeare was like an Elizabethan Cesar Milan — except for women. Here are some great stunts to pull (taken directly from The Taming of the Shrew) if your wife has trouble finding the mute button on her mouth.
Take away her food.
No surprise there. The last thing any woman needs is more food.
Women dump millions of dollars into programs that take away food for them. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, prescription laxatives; these are things women buy for the sole purpose of depriving themselves of food. Read The Taming of the Shrew. Then, do your woman a favor and empty the fridge.
When she finds her manners, let it rain granola bars.
Take away her makeup
In the Taming of the Shrew, the main guy takes away his misbehaving woman’s clean clothing. In Shakespeare’s time, women had not yet figured out how to get loads of attention by wearing everything a size too small and made out of velour. Since velour sweatsuits don’t really get dirty while women aren’t wearing them to the gym, do the next best thing and take away her makeup instead.
Give her a taste of her own medicine
An interesting strategy I found in The Taming of the Shrew is to give a disobedient woman a taste of her own medicine. That means matching her Crazy Knife with a Crazy Pistol, and matching her Crazy Pistol with a Crazy Tank. For example, if a woman says something to embarrass you, do something to her that’s twice as embarrassing. Why not compare her new love handles to those of her mother? Or give her a good “sharking”. The important thing, according to Shakespeare, is to never let your man-compassion get the better of you.
A novel strategy, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you own anything out of a woman’s price range; like a plasma TV or a Mr. Coffee.
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Love the site, and much of what you say is true, and funny. I’m going to have to call you on the “Orpah. Like the whale” comment though. Orpah was a biblical character. An orca is a killer whale.
spirillotropic lycaenid springingly philobiblist topcap jhool anisosthenic typhoean
Mackenzie River Rafting Trip ‘93
http://www.ci.maryville.tn.us/mhs/index.htm
Yeah - but the people you know are pimple-faced morons.
Kain is a dumbshit, so we know that the accuracy of her perception of intelligence isn’t exactly the same as, say, Sigmund Freud.
Nope, she’s just below average and hence underdeveloped and immature mentally, and some would argue physically due to sloth and self-imposed malnutrition.
Just below average, just a boring mediocre little girl.
ha this website is very funny, while i dont agree with most of i wanted to comment on this. My sister reads more than anyone i know, and she is one of the smartest people i know. I cant help but wonder “Did you have problems with your mother?”
The one with the twat? Or the one who is a twat? There are a lot of NOTmen around here, it’s hard to tell. Let’s see, she’s the one who can’t type worth a shit. Okay, that narrows it down a lot. She also talks too much and does not think before she speaks. Damn, this is hard.
dick your a fucking whale.
manly book?
puh-lease go shove it up your ass then we’ll see who’s the manly person here!
Nielson/NetRatings has issued a study showing that the top 10 social networking sites saw traffic grow 47% over the last year, with MySpace seeing the biggest growth (367% increase) and MSN Spaces (286%) seeing the biggest growth. Hosted blogging systems were included in the study.
One thing to note about those numbers is that while Classmates had one of the lowest positive growth rates at 10%, they spend loads on advertising while MySpace, Youtube, and Facebook haven’t spent a penny.
If I recall correctly, a couple years ago Classmates.com was one of the 10 largest spenders on online advertising.
There are plenty of new social networking sites poping up but what get’s me why can’t myspace there instant messenger working. $580 mill and can’t afford to fix instant messenger BAD myspace.
There are so many better ones how about http://cubiclelife.net for example has all the features of myspace plus quizzes, polls, webchat with audio and video oh and hey they have instant messenger. You have a long way to go myspace.
http://seekingalpha.com/wp-content/seekingalpha/images/socialnetapr06. jpg
I find it pretty damn funny that this thread hasn’t been attacked by harpies; but then again, how many women do you know that actually read b00ks?
I offer this link for those men who (like myself) have been victimized by women. Such as I live in $450-a-month hovels while our ex-wives continue to consume our resources to maintain their extravagant lifestyles — and consequently rarely even have the few meager funds necessary to purchase books.
Oprah’s name is “OPRAH”.
The comment about her name being “Orpha” is dead wrong. Her mother named her “Orpha” (after biblical “ORPHA”) but the stiupid nurse wrote O-P-R-A-H.
Whatever her mother intended has nothing to do with the fact her legal name is O-P-R-A-H.
Honestly, you have to read the book to appreciate it. Please dont go by amazon’s Synopsis.
Initially i thought this book would offend me after reading the synopsis but it didnt, it gave me the knowledge to read every WOEman i now come accross like a book to a point its so predictable that its hilarious.
It allows you to see that most WOEmen are the same and alternatively identify the very rare few with integrity (I’m still searching!)
It is wrote by a WOEman, but this WOEman has gained my respect for the words she has written in this book. Some men are too blind to see what is going around them, especially the young ones. For the wise men among us it is often too late we are trapped in misery or screwed by an unfair unjust system.
I am usually not one for reading reading books, I never have been but, this particular book I just couldnt put down.
It confirmed what I had been thinking all along.
I was consciously aware of what was going on but tried to dismiss how i was thinking because no other men that I knew were thinking the same. I thought to some extent ‘it must be me’.
This book confirmed all my thoughts and experiences.
It’s amazing how so many men on the planet have been conditioned into automatically subjecting themselves to a life of slavery completely unaware.
The author goes into great detail about why and how WOEman does the things she does in any given situation and the ways in which she will go about doing it, I saw this book as a kind of logic decipherable handbook if you like, from WOEman’s logic to MAN’s logic and vice versa.
Its so invaluable in my opinion it should be part of a schools curriculum.
MAN-tastic selection, sirius-c. I have a copy of the Vilar on order from Amazon as we speak. By the way, have you read the shrill clucking in the reviews? It’s hard to get to them because you have to wade through the mountain of positive comments but they are there, believe it or not. As if you can legitimately disagree with the premise of the book!
My only beef (from the selection I read on Google books)–she seems to imply that women are clever enough to create this MANipulating environment intentionally, and we all know that that’s not the case. It is truly a sad fact of nature and proof that God is a humorist that women are able to accomplish the things they can, like a penguin that can do trigonometry or a bobcat that can whistle.
As long as we’re offering our own proposals for the book club, I would like to submit an obscure medieval Spanish text for the really adventurous scholars out there–”El Libro de Buen Amor.” If you can find the Magoun translation (and any university library should have it) AND if you can make it through the odd organization, it is a hilarious semi-autobiographical series of stories detailing a priest’s womanizing life, as well as an instruction manual on how to get women to sleep with you (hint: they like to be smacked around just enough to know that you mean business). Moral of the story–men have been putting up with the same shit all across the world for a long time.
I would like to recommend another book, I would consider this ‘a must read’ for all men not yet enlightened to the nature of WOEman.
The Manipulated Man By Esther Vilar.
ISBN-10: 0953096424
ISBN-13: 978-0953096428
Another home run dick.
I’m quite partial to Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” after reading line 146: ‘Frailty, thy name is woman’
A little nugget of truth there, and just further proof of what a truly brilliant man that Shakespeare was.
Good stuff!
NO SPOILERS!!!
*hits you all with cartoon hammer*
This is a great one. I read Taming of the Shrew in high school and couldn’t help but think it was awesome. I also saw the movie with [I believe it was] Elizabeth Taylor as Katherine, and it was hilarious.
Anyway, if more women were like her, the world would soon change for the better.
“When she finds her manners, let it rain granola bars.”
AHAHAAHAHAH I can’t stop laughing at this.
Beautiful!!
Ha, the best part is at the end. Katherine (the shrew) starts telling all the other wives how great men are, how women should all respect and defer to their husbands, and SHUT THE FUCK UP!