The Umbrella of Dumbness
There’s a figurative “umbrella” reason that men are better than women. It’s because men are men and therefore have brains and balls and everything else that makes a man-cog work properly in the giant cosmic machine of progress. Women have only glitter and sugar for brains and other manners of shit that rot your teeth.
There’s also a literal “umbrella” reason men are better than women, and that is an actual umbrella that you hold over your head when it rains — unless you’re a woman that is. If you’re a woman, you also use an umbrella to poke everyone over 5′8″ in their goddamn eyes.
Women walk down the street exactly like they live their lives. Men do the same of course; constantly being courteous and walking with purpose and dignity. Women mince around town without even looking down at the shit they’re stepping in and whilst twirling their wares like drunken umbrella salesclowns. It’s embarrassing.
Women with umbrellas; women with nose-choking lotion; women walking through the office in high heels all fucking day; it’s all the same. It’s women doing whatever they goddamn please and not at all caring who gets their eyes poked out, nose crammed with almond springtime, or driven insane by the constant clacking. Respectively.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again now and in a new way. After all, as a man, I am thorough if nothing else. Part of being thorough is repeating something in a different way, kind of like a sequel to a hot blockbuster. That’s men alright. We find the right formula and then we stick to it like glue.
Women think like dogs. That’s what I’m saying again. Women poke the shit out of everyone when they have to use umbrellas for any purpose because they can’t put themselves in anyone else’s shoes but their own. Just like dogs.
“I wonder how it feels to get your eyes poked the fuck out?” a man might ask. Well not a woman and not a dog. It’s much in the same way a dog would eat a delicious smoked ham sandwich that it’s master just made the other day and then set on the edge of the table. The dog can’t ask itself, “How would I feel if someone ate my delicious smoked ham sandwich and then smeared mustard everywhere?” Probably pretty bad.
Is it any wonder that a dog is man’s best friend and a woman is intended to be a man’s life partner? It’s like they’re both cast from the same brain mold.
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I appreciate Dick’s comedic writing and style. But men, there is no reason to get angry at women. There is no reason to shout at them and call them whores. They won’t listen. They won’t understand. They CAN NOT and WILL NOT ever see it the way we do.
See, women lack fundamental reasoning that just comes natural to men. Ingenuity, assertiveness, and a general feeling of being laid back all come naturally to the great man. They don’t to women. Women are simply social creatures. They are always up on the new styles, new television programs, new mainstream shit music, new everything. It is not about what truly is visually, mentally, and audially (not sure if that is the correct word for it) stimulating; it is about what is popular. It is about the common view of morality. The view of morality in the media has gone to total shit, and therefore, so have women. Back a long time ago, it was standard for women to behave like ladies, and therefore women were much more tolerable. Guys have always been the same. Sure some styles come and go but guys will generally always laugh at a good dick joke, always be fun to be around, and always make you actually THINK.
If you want to change women, you have to influence the media. There’s no other way around it. You could spend 20 years on this site and 100 others shouting at women for their obvious stupidity and they’ll NEVER get it. You have to treat them like what they are: media slaves.
Go anywhere in public, whether it’s the local grocery store or department store, and you’ll see how women act. There’s a silly myth that women are caring and nurturing. If that’s true, why won’t they get the fuck out of the way when they see that you’re trying to get past them, their cart, and their kids? A man will see somebody else coming and tactfully herd his uncaring wife out of the way. Women don’t give a shit, just ask them. It’s the whole world’s job to get the hell out of their way. Men show mutual respect, women just mill around like cows and think the whole world starts and stops at their convenience.
In our society, a woman with kids is royalty. She has the privilege to act like a total bitch, and in most cases, will exercise that right to the hilt. She and her kids get head-of-the-line privilege at the airport, train, and bus stations ahead of the business travelers that are productive members of society. She sits reading a magazine in a restaurant while her kids scream and run around like it’s a goddamn playground. Don’t ask her to get control of her situation and show an ounce of goddamn respect to others. Nope, shut yer yap and get the fuck out of HER way. Bitch has kids, she gets to treat everybody like total garbage.
Women don’t understand that there is a minimum level of respect that people have to show for each other. Without it, chaos reigns. Men are sick of it. To get respect, you have to give it. We’re a generation of men raised by women and have been beaten into submission since the time that we were little kids, but we’re waking up and learning that it’s not our station in life to be treated like garbage by women, who expect to be treated in turn like royalty and usually get just that.
In some way, we all are.
-Dick
I never realized that, wow, i am a victim of rape.
It’s called eyeball rape, Nathan.
-Dick
I have heard of personal space, and i would say that my face/eyes fall very clearly into the category of “my personal space.” So please refrain from jabbing umbrellas/hair into my personal space.
-Thank You
Try being in line for anything, be it a bar, a movie theatre, to get off a bus….etc. That’s when these dipshits flick thier ponytails.
What from behind?
Dumb shit
Thanks Wolfe,
NZ is 111.
Glad no one took me up on my “chest flashing”.
I probably would have flicked my ponytail in their face.
Then you are mistaken; little could be further from the truth.
Certainly. x-1-1 services are voice telephony services, established in the mid to late 1960’s and provided throughout most of North America (US, Canada, some islands). 911 is emergency services (police, fire, paramedics — much like the UK 999, the EU 1-1-2 or the Australian 000 — I’ve no idea what the NZ emergency number is); 611 is repair services; 411 is directory assistance, sometimes called “information”.
Thus, 411 is a shorthand for “information” or, often, “the relevant information pertaining to this situation”. An aside: Back in the pre-Blackberry days when pagers could only include a phone number to call, a pregnant woman would often page her husband with 911 if she throught she was going into labor, and 411 if she just wanted him to check in with her. Since the actual 411 and 911 numbers don’t call people, this was a pretty safe bet.
Welcome to the site. Thank you for stopping your annoying offers to show us your chest.
-wolfe
Chris, This comment is so sad! I have been “browsing” thru’ this website for a few days now and have been left with the overall impression that the men on it think they are perfect. Glad to hear one is “normal” and has insecurities. Can u clarify “411″ for me? Not a saying in my kiwi language.Blondie.
Chris, thanks for sharing, but a little too much information there. And I don’t know what a 411 is. Should I?
Too bad we can’t tag our women and use them as we please. Sigh. And yes I do have sexual issues and disturbances. I have had some slight issues in my youth. And yes I also have a smaller than average size penis. Now do you have any personal attacks left? Oh yeah I forgot to mention I am alone and never leave my computer. There that should get you started on the personal attacks quite nicely. Because we all know how women like to eat up the 411.
Just as a cow uses it’s tail to flick off flies, a woman has to do what a woman has to do.
I hereby award ChristianJ the February “wolfe Language Award (wLA” for “cow-towing”.
I award Dick the March wLA for this elegant, neo-Victorian expression of physics. (Hint to the ladies: Victorian refers to a woman!)
-wolfe
Look down her top from a foot behind? What manner of light is this that bends around a woman’s head?
-Dick
LOL
Apparently not. Probably too busy trying to look down her top.
Don’t stand so bloody close, haven’t you heard of personal space.
The same thing about ponytails, they just whip thier heads in any which way, not giving a shit if there’s anybody behind them in line that’s getting a big mop of hair in the eyes. God dammit.
It’s also the sense of entitlement they have been raised with. They expect that if you don’t want to get poked in the eye, you had better move out of their way.