I hear this question all the time; never directed at myself, but while hearing shrill she-devils screech and harp on their man-friends while standing in line for the cinema or the man-theater or a meat restaurant.

“Were you checking out that girl?”

I carry around a special stash of Man Points for the first man to answer it correctly. I haven’t given them out yet, so if you see me hanging about the correct answer is:

“Yes.”

Honesty is not the best policy. Lying is always the best policy. It’s fun and it gains you Man Points by the boatload. I was at the pub the other week and the lady-bartender was wondering if I should have another seven and seven. As an aside, can I comment for a moment on how men are better than women at being bartenders? Always go to the female bartender. They’re a curse on a money making bar who pour drinks like the liquor is free. A bartender’s job is getting women as drunk as possible, not men.

I said yes just like I answer most questions women ask. See, women don’t ask anything unless they want you to say no — and that’s only because they want you to agree with their ‘no’. Women don’t give a shit about what you think or what you want, it’s all them, them, them. Anything that ends in a question mark is their way of telling you you fucked up somehow. You think they would be the experts at spotting fuck ups, but they’re not. They’re just the experts at fucking up.

I gave myself 65 Man Points for lying.

The reason you should simply say “Yes, I was,” when some daft princess asks if you’ve been checking out another woman is because you were and it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s not your responsibility to explain the complex workings of the man-mind to a woman. All the reasons you were checking her out for are beyond her limited comprehension.

1. Men notice everything. We notice everything and we need details. We need details to occupy the cogs of our massive brains so they keep spinning. Man brains are like boats and motorcycles. If you let them sit they need an expensive tune-up.

2. Men are wary of all creatures that come within our personal space. Our personal space includes (but is not limited to) our field of vision.

3. Halter tops are fascinating. How do they stay up like that?

If you’re going to explain to a woman the motivations men subconsciously consider before everything they do, why not start with the free market system which no woman anywhere understands? Why not explain democracy to a woman — who all have the attention span of a fucking child. Teach her why she has her precious right to vote. That ought to be a treat!

Why not just sit down and teach the poor girl why the men in her office want to help her move so badly?

There’s no fucking point.

Women will take whatever they’re given with a smile. They need to know when they’re supposed to get upset. That’s why a simple, “Yes,” works so well. There’s no mumbling or nonsense. You didn’t do anything wrong anyway so there’s nothing to get upset about.

This brings me to a point about why women consider it their job to raise children. Children give obvious clues when they’re supposed to be punished. A child might throw food on the floor or defecate on the wall. At that point a woman knows to punish the child. The same works in relationships. If you act like you didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t.

Two hundred Man Points.

This entry was posted under He Said/She Said.