Woman Astronaut Kills Everyone

NASA finally put a woman in charge of a spacewalk and guess what happened. Fuck ups happened. That’s what always happens when you combine women and space. Remember the Challenger explosion? That probably happened because there was a woman aboard.

Earlier today, while doing routine maintenance on a solar panel, dozy astro-broad Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper let a crucial bag of tools float off into space. I highly recommend you watch the video (at the bottom of this article) because reading about a woman screwing up is never as satisfying as watching it happen.

The dead silence you hear as Heidemarie stupidly watches her tools float away is a thousand men at Mission Control simultaneously not saying the same thing.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Being about the size of a shitty television set, NASA reports the crucial bag of tools as the biggest thing ever to be lost in space. Contrariwise, Heidemarie describes the event as a “little hiccup”.

“Despite my little hiccup…I think we did a good job out there,” -Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper

Yea right. And Adrian Brody’s nose is a “little crooked”. World War 2 was a “tiny misunderstanding”. San Francisco has “some gay people”. Women are as familiar with accountability as my ass is with a six-toed Snoggle.

What the fuck is a six-toed Snoggle?

Exactly.

This was not a “little hiccup”, it was a massive fuck up. Getting spare sets of million dollar wrenches into space is as high on NASA’s To-Do list as making sure their astronauts aren’t afraid of the dark. They’re astronauts. They can’t afford to be afraid of the dark — or to let mission critical tools fly off into fucking space!

Unless NASA won the lottery recently and has tons of money to piss around, I suggest they remember Dick Masterson’s Rule #1 for Women in the Workforce.

A penny saved is a woman fired.

It doesn’t matter if she’s greasing your space station solar panel or your weasel, just because you want to stick your body parts in her, doesn’t mean she can do shit when you’re not around. Women operate on something called the Zen of Labor. If a woman is working, and there’s no man around to make sure she’s doing it right, is she really working?

No. She’s fucking around and looking at shit to buy online or instant messaging friends. That’s all women do at work all day. Or she’s reading about celebrities online. That’s another thing women do all the time when you’re not looking.

Women are a waste of time. That’s all they do and that’s all they are.

Women Don’t Pay Attention

NASA is currently trying to figure out how to complete the rest of the mission without an entire tool chest. Which I guess means they’re going to fashion wrenches and grease guns out of toothpaste and feces, who the fuck knows. It’s like that scene in Apollo 13 when the nerds back home figured out how to build a circular air duct out of square ducting to compensate for a blown ventilation system. It’s kind of like that, except in this case, the problem wasn’t caused by God (mechanical faliure), it was caused by WADD.

Woman Attention Deficit Disorder

WADD costs employers billions of dollars every year. WADD is why your wife shrunk all your business pants and let your son wreck your new portable DVD player. WADD is how all these kids keep getting swiped at playgrounds.

No matter what’s at stake, women don’t pay attention. They have Woman Attention Deficit Disorder.

Spacewoman Kills Everyone

NASA doesn’t send motherfuckers into space for fun. They do it mostly to set up communications satellites and research shit that no one cares about — but one day they could save everyone from an asteroid. You never know. It could happen. Remember the movie Armageddon? There were no women in that movie aside from the one fucking Ben Affleck and the five fucking Steve Buscemi. That’s how a space mission is supposed to be.

Now imagine if Bruce Willis had accidentally let all the drills drift off into space about an hour into the movie. That is what happened today.

The point is, nothing goes into space for laughs. It goes into space because it’s absolutely necessary to be in space. So what’s a woman doing up there? While watching Heidemarie stare uselessly at her bag of tools as they floated into oblivion, I could hear exactly what she was thinking.

“Help! I need a man!”

Women shouldn’t be cops, they shouldn’t be firemen, and they especially shouldn’t be astronauts. There are too many things to go wrong in all of those professions and each tiny mistake can cost lives. Nothing happens when a woman wastes an afternoon looking for old boyfriends on Facebook, but what happens when a woman is distracted with her vagina or menopause or something while repairing a space station? It fucking crashes.

Manclusion

Men aren’t better than women because we’re more logical, smarter, or because we routinely score better on every quantifiable test ever devised by human beings. Men are better than women because women fuck up constantly. They fuck up constantly and they never admit it.

I’ll let spacewalk officer John Ray take it from here.

“What it boils down to is all it takes is one small mistake for a tether not to be hooked up quite correctly or to slip off, and that’s what happened here,” – John “Super Cock” Ray.

That six-toed Snoggle is called “Restraint”.

Video of Woman Losing Space Tools
Woman Loses Space Tools

Also, check out the continuing saga of Dick Masterson, Chauvinist Detective at the Super Frat!

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