Mommy Dearest

There’s someone in every man’s life that he learns to appreciate just about the time he moves out of the house. This is someone who should be respected at all times. Their advice is golden and tempered with experience. It should be treasured. This is a person to whom a man can confide all of his secrets.

It’s his fucking attorney. Who did you think I was going to say? His mother?

Eat shit.

Women listen to their mothers. That’s why their lives are a Cheerio away from total calamity at all times and why they never know what the fuck they’re doing. Women listening to their mothers for life advice is like a man consulting The Great Zoltar when it comes time to do the taxes. Wish you were big? Those fucking fines sure will be.

No man on Earth listens to his mother. He listens, yes, but it’s like how a man listens to a fifth grade piano recital — I don’t mean the piano recitals with one of those genius freaks either. I mean a normal, crappy sounding piano recital. Usually it’s painful.

The real problem here is that women listen with their ears and not their eyeballs like men do. Women are always busting our balls for it, but it’s the secret to being a man. Listen with your fucking eyes.

See, when women hear what their mothers are saying, they’re listening to shitty advice, they’re thinking about shitty advice, and then ultimately they manage to fuck up fucked up advice even worse than you thought possible. That’s women for you. What they don’t do is listen with their eyes like a man. They don’t sit there and look at what’s going on and think to themselves, “Maybe The Great Zoltar doesn’t know shit about my taxes. Maybe he’s just a carnival attraction.”

Speaking of how good and great men are. Men can have entire conversations just with our eyeballs. In fact that’s the only way men communicate. Try it for yourself. Sit down to watch TV with a woman and mute the television. You will probably have to slap a wad of duct tape around the heehawing donkey’s mouth, but give it a shot. Keep in mind that if you resort to a gag, no one will believe such a wild story.

You will find after a half hour that you understood the entire television program completely. Subtexts, subplots; they all made sense to you. You knew who the bad guy was within the first ten minutes.

You women, however, will not have picked up a goddamn thing. That’s women alright. Two pretty eyes that don’t work, two ears that do, and a ham sandwich for a brain.

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26 Responses to “Mommy Dearest”

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  1. wolfe Says:

    Female said:

    What the hell do you know?! You know nothing. Nada. Zilch. But of course as you are a man, and American to boot, you think you know everything. Clever people acknowledge that they don’t know everthing. They have the insight to know that they don’t know it all. They do not presume or assume and so remain curious and able to learn new things and get smarter in the process.

    The irony is delicious.

    I am glad Female knows everything about Americans, men, and Alan. How clever and insightful of her that she never presumes nor assumes and remains curious.

    -wolfe

  2. Big Al Says:

    Female said:

    Narrowminded people are either fearful or intellectually incompetent…

    Who else remembers when Female advocated murdering those who disagree with her?

  3. Big Al Says:

    Female said:

    Narrowminded people are either fearful or intellectually incompetent.

    There’s something vaguely irritating about being called narrowminded by someone who can see through a keyhole with both eyes.

    There’s something extremely irritating about being called “intellectually incompetent” by an amateur astrologer.

    And there’s something about having to put up with a histrionic pseud of a harpy who hasn’t the wit or sensitivity to leave a site where the default page politely asks her to leave that pisses me off.

    But, I don’t state pissed off for long. Tomorrow, it will all be sport again.

    Like shooting fish in a barrel.

  4. Alan the WindJammer Says:

    And what’s really sad is that she obviously hasn’t listened here. Any man on this site could come to the conclusion after reading my posts that this post was not a blanket assumption, that I do not speak unless I have reasonable knowledge of that which I am addressing. As with all my other posts I have drawn knowledge and conclusions from education and experience. Ask any woman how a conversation with a friend went and she will repeat her assertions verbatim and will relate her friend’s remarks and either not important enough to remember or totally ridiculous and not worth hearing. It obviously struck a chord that my observations are so astute.

    “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
    – Abraham Lincoln

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  6. Billy's Mom Says:

    Female said:

    Pfft. Like I’ve told you before, women listen better, and in fact, a man said that studies prove this, ie, women hear patterns in noise better than men do. Patterns in noise = vocal inflection = subtext. Combined with the use of female eyes, a woman’s understanding is light years ahead of a mans, most especially in the case of interpreting people’s stated meanings (plural, see: doubletalk)/subtextual meanings, ie, the emotion in the voice, ie, where the f the speaker is coming from. I do agree with one thing you say, and only one thing, men can speak with their eyes…but so can women, even if they’re blind.

    This will be lost on the jealous, good-for-nothing brainless male haters on this site. These guys were born failures, they live as failures, they will die as failures.
    They aren’t men, they aren’t even quite human. LOL

  7. Billy's Mom Says:

    Dick Masterson said:

    Women are better at recognizing patterns in noise? That’s why everyone knows Mozart’s sister’s name right?

    Pathetic.

    -Dick

    Mozart believed she was more talented than he was. If she’s not recognized that’s because jealous, untalented male retards like you couldn’t COPE with female talent and brilliance.

    Go on being useless and bitter, Dicky boy.

  8. Necroswordsman Says:

    Billy’s Mom said:

    Go on being useless and bitter, Dicky boy.

    Nah, you’re giving enough of that as it is.

  9. Gabriella LaPlace Says:

    Özgür said:

    Female, women are good at one thing and one thing only: Being sex objects for us. The rest of your ’superiorities’ are lies men have to tell in order to fuck you, sell you girly etc.

    Would you say the same thing if you had a daughter? Or maybe your not father material

  10. Billy Says:

    We should go back to trading daughters for something of value.

  11. brooke Says:

    why are u such a sexiest prick?
    i have never had anything against men.. now after reading this it makes me sick..
    ur a total sexist baskard.. who probally hates women cuz he is jelous of us.. u probally had somehting bad happen to u when u where little like.. a whole lot of girls rejecting u becuase ur a total prick..

    i hate men like u
    men that think women don’t deserve shit..

    women have more respect for people and things..

    i hate u.. i can’t belive some low life person like yourself has made a whole website about this..

    your a pathetic prick..

  12. Billy Says:

    Wow the sexiest prick..
    grow up and then learn to spell.
    Nobody is jealous of a dumb bitch like you

  13. Clair Says:

    Billy said:

    We should go back to trading daughters for something of value.

    You’re joking, right?

  14. Jon Tea Says:

    Sorry Dick but you´re partially wrong on this one.

    My Mother gave me the best advice a man could ever recieve.

    ¨Watch where you put your dick, Jon, be OH SO careful, just don´t turn out to be dumb like your Father.¨

    She said it much more discretely than that. But it´s probalbly the best advice I´ve recieved and probably will ever recieve, from a man or woman.

  15. Billy Says:

    Jon did you realize how insulting that was to your Mother?
    Seriously she stepped all over herself on that comment.

    Maybe I should explain since either, A: Your manbrain hasn’t matured enough to understand deeper things, or,
    B: You’e really a girl which I could understand.

    Here it what she said in depth. Your Dad was dumb enough to put his Dick in me which was a mistake since I made his life hell.

  16. Billy Says:

    Clair said:

    Billy said:

    We should go back to trading daughters for something of value.

    You’re joking, right?

    Well no, but fortunately I didn’t have Daughters. I’m sure you’re as happy about that as I am in this day with the fem virus effecting so many women.

  17. Karu Says:

    Billy said:

    Jon did you realize how insulting that was to your Mother?
    Seriously she stepped all over herself on that comment.

    Maybe I should explain since either, A: Your manbrain hasn’t matured enough to understand deeper things, or,
    B: You’e really a girl which I could understand.

    Here it what she said in depth. Your Dad was dumb enough to put his Dick in me which was a mistake since I made his life hell.

    Makes sense, really. Even she knew what a cunt she was, but she at least had enough of a sliver of compassion for her own son to give him a warning about women like her.

  18. A Soldier Says:

    brooke said:

    why are u such a sexiest prick?
    i have never had anything against men.. now after reading this it makes me sick..
    ur a total sexist baskard.. who probally hates women cuz he is jelous of us.. u probally had somehting bad happen to u when u where little like.. a whole lot of girls rejecting u becuase ur a total prick..

    i hate men like u
    men that think women don’t deserve shit..

    women have more respect for people and things..

    i hate u.. i can’t belive some low life person like yourself has made a whole website about this..

    your a pathetic prick..

    Holy fuck.

    That pile of text makes my head explode.

    Did you absorb any part of what Dick just said?

    You women….just rambling on about nonsense the same way a fucking baby would cry when it doesn’t get what it wants.

    Is it some kind of mental defect with you manholes?

    Not being able to comprehend the topic at hand instead of turning an actual intelligent debate into a shit throwing contest and speaking about whats wrong with Men (yes Men with a capitol) and spewing irrelevent bullshit?

    Cunts are dumb.

  19. jarbrain Says:

    Jon Tea said:

    Sorry Dick but you´re partially wrong on this one.

    My Mother gave me the best advice a man could ever recieve.

    ¨Watch where you put your dick, Jon, be OH SO careful, just don´t turn out to be dumb like your Father.¨

    She said it much more discretely than that. But it´s probalbly the best advice I´ve recieved and probably will ever recieve, from a man or woman.

    My kid’s 20, and I can’t believe he was told this (having had internet relations w/ and 18yr old who is pregnant, who he now wants to meet):
    “watch it, watch out, Honey. Girls aren’t in their right minds when they’re pregnant. You and a child that’s not even yours will be left her mess. She could be the devil after that baby’s born!”
    Ha! So he really was a planned pregnancy afterall.

  20. jarbrain Says:

    Female said:

    Pfft. Like I’ve told you before, women listen better, and in fact, a man said that studies prove this, ie, women hear patterns in noise better than men do. Patterns in noise = vocal inflection = subtext. Combined with the use of female eyes, a woman’s understanding is light years ahead of a mans, most especially in the case of interpreting people’s stated meanings (plural, see: doubletalk)/subtextual meanings, ie, the emotion in the voice, ie, where the f the speaker is coming from. I do agree with one thing you say, and only one thing, men can speak with their eyes…but so can women, even if they’re blind.

    Excuse me, Madame, but they have come up with a terminology for women’s ability to hear and interprett subtle inflection, and question it constatnly; it is called ‘Bipolar Disorder’.

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