Mommy Dearest

There’s someone in every man’s life that he learns to appreciate just about the time he moves out of the house. This is someone who should be respected at all times. Their advice is golden and tempered with experience. It should be treasured. This is a person to whom a man can confide all of his secrets.

It’s his fucking attorney. Who did you think I was going to say? His mother?

Eat shit.

Women listen to their mothers. That’s why their lives are a Cheerio away from total calamity at all times and why they never know what the fuck they’re doing. Women listening to their mothers for life advice is like a man consulting The Great Zoltar when it comes time to do the taxes. Wish you were big? Those fucking fines sure will be.

No man on Earth listens to his mother. He listens, yes, but it’s like how a man listens to a fifth grade piano recital — I don’t mean the piano recitals with one of those genius freaks either. I mean a normal, crappy sounding piano recital. Usually it’s painful.

The real problem here is that women listen with their ears and not their eyeballs like men do. Women are always busting our balls for it, but it’s the secret to being a man. Listen with your fucking eyes.

See, when women hear what their mothers are saying, they’re listening to shitty advice, they’re thinking about shitty advice, and then ultimately they manage to fuck up fucked up advice even worse than you thought possible. That’s women for you. What they don’t do is listen with their eyes like a man. They don’t sit there and look at what’s going on and think to themselves, “Maybe The Great Zoltar doesn’t know shit about my taxes. Maybe he’s just a carnival attraction.”

Speaking of how good and great men are. Men can have entire conversations just with our eyeballs. In fact that’s the only way men communicate. Try it for yourself. Sit down to watch TV with a woman and mute the television. You will probably have to slap a wad of duct tape around the heehawing donkey’s mouth, but give it a shot. Keep in mind that if you resort to a gag, no one will believe such a wild story.

You will find after a half hour that you understood the entire television program completely. Subtexts, subplots; they all made sense to you. You knew who the bad guy was within the first ten minutes.

You women, however, will not have picked up a goddamn thing. That’s women alright. Two pretty eyes that don’t work, two ears that do, and a ham sandwich for a brain.

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