All Women Are Whores

I have received well over a thousand supportive emails from women over the last 48 hours. Unsurprisingly to me, the topic they’re the most encouraging about is my comment on whores and all women being them.

All women are whores.

Keep in mind that I consider female anger to be the weather vane of truth and wisdom. When a woman finally has a heart attack after reading something I’ve written, I’m going to start calling myself Buddha.

King Buddha.

That’s why no women are allowed to read this.

Women know themselves almost as well as I know them. They know they’re prone to emotion and anger, and they know they’re all whores. That’s why they get so goddamn upset when I say it. To a woman, calling attention to her innate prostitution is more true than anything else I could possibly say.

But that’s only because women understand math and science about as far as a dog can shit.

Women crave money because they don’t have things like purple hearts, fist fights, and prom queens. They have nothing to validate their self-worth except how much a man will pay for access to their vagina. That’s why they spend money like it’s poison. The albatross of a 100 dollar bill is nothing but shame to a woman. It is a constant reminder of her nature.

All women are whores.

And that’s human nature. Men exchange our body parts for money as well, except our “vagina” is our man-brain, and when we’re done letting the world use it, cancer is cured, slavery is abolished, or something awesome like the `77 Chevelle is invented. Also, once a man lets someone inside his valuable body part, they don’t start thinking of their ex-girlfriend or how to get inside for less money next time.

You can’t cure small pox with a vagina.

All girlfriends are whores. That’s why there’s a Valentine’s Day. All wives are whores. That’s why car leases expire in 16 months instead of 12. It takes 16 months for SUV Roofies to wear off.

All business women are whores.

If I get a free steak at Morton’s because I told them I was Tom Selleck — which would be easy to do because I also have a manmazing mustache, I would go to jail for fraud. Every woman who’s ever gotten a promotion in any business, got there because of fraud. Her miniskirt wrote a check for sex that the Vagina Bank had no intention of cashing.

Or maybe she did cash it. My point is, all women are whores, and the last thing men want is a whore who doesn’t know how to do her job.

When men sell body parts, we’re called engineers or NFL linebackers. When women do it, they’re called prostitutes. It’s as simple as an anniversary bouquet or a “free lunch”. There’s no such thing as a “free lunch”, there’s only prostitution you buy in installments.

Women are like pre-paid cell phones you can use with your dick.

I have no problem with whores. In fact, I love them. Prostitution and monkey-rape is why we’re all here today — but men are why vaccines and plasma TVs are here. If it were possible to respect a woman, I might even respect one who knew what she was and embraced it, instead of drowning her shame in designer handbags and abusive boyfriends.

I’m not going to stop using a perfectly accurate term just because it’s upsetting to women. Holding your tongue because it upsets women is a slippery slope that ends in your penis getting cut off. Besides, the only real reason women hate being called “whores” is the same reason they hate beer: they’re fucking stupid.

Indiana Jones was a box-office smash because all men are clever, resilient, and bad-ass mavericks. Jaws was a success because all men could fuck up a shark with their bear hands. Pretty Woman was a success because all women are whores. Imagine a movie that featured you kicking Hitler’s balls so hard, you traveled back in time and fucked Heidi Klum the day before her 18th birthday. That’s basically the film Pretty Woman: every woman’s ultimate fantasy.

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