Excuse Me, Waiter. I’ve Got A Woman in my Technology.

The reason 20th century women have entered technology in shrew-nosed flocks isn’t because “oppression” ended. Socrates and Magellan were killed because they were interested in science. That’s the worst kind of oppression: oppression of men.

Death by hemlock and spear is also more oppression than any woman has ever been subject to.

Women love baking and cleaning. How is making them do it being oppressive? It’s like sending a disobedient child to his room with a crate of Twinkies, a keg of Cherry Coke, and more video games then God.

At some point in the past twenty years, men decided it would be hilarious to tell women smarts were attractive. The mirror over my bed isn’t a magic mirror. It doesn’t reflect cleverness. Don’t tell that to women in technology though! It would break their nerdy little hearts.

Women in the 50’s were dumber than dirt. If you gave a 50’s cavewoman access to a modern washing machine, she would probably try to cram her baby into it because it “looked like funâ€? and that way she could “wash the kid and the clothes at the same timeâ€?. Irresponsible to say the least.

The selection of remotes on display in any random household media room would melt the mind of a 50’s woman.

That’s actually the most brilliant thing man has ever done: manventing the relay-race, HAL-deactivating clusterfuck that is the modern television remote control. It’s getting to the point that if I want to watch TV in a strange man’s house, I am forced to grab remotes at random and press buttons in an exaggeratedly humorous way until the man of the house intervenes.

‘That’s how women do it,’ I say. Of course I’m right.

Today, women are given a choice in role models. They can act like grown up versions of themselves, like Paris Hilton or Hilary Clinton. In other words, drunken amateur pornographers who don’t have the self-respect or dignity to kick their cheating men to the curb — also Hilary Clinton has cankles. Or little girls can follow the role models men have created for them. Dora the Explorer works. Kim Possible also works. Not all women are Mexicans — unfortunately.

Helper monkeys are great, but they don’t cost you your house when you trade them in for a Roomba.

Modern women are entering technology because men told them it was sexy. Their brains still don’t function as poorly as they never did. That hasn’t changed. No woman invented algebra. But women did invent the Girl Scouts, an organization whose main source of revenue is guilting and beguiling family, friends, and shoppers into buying their shitty cookies. Only two or three of Girl Scout cookies are any good. The rest are shit. They know that, but they pad your order with them anyway like they’re doing you a favor.

If I wanted any Shortbreads, I probably would have put a fucking mark in the box. I’m a man. I can read.

Thanks to us men, women can now calculate how much sexier having a “brain” makes them. Unfortunately, all their calculations take the form of obnoxious proselytizing, annoying self-promotion, and deceptive recruitment practices.

Women in technology are like the KKK. They’re always looking for new members.

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