Women Suck At Boardgames

There are a lot of things that are exactly like life. Actually most things are like life. That’s why men are such good poets and musicians. We make comparisons between things and life as I have just done. It’s called being creative.

Boardgames are also like life. And guess what, women suck at them.

Have you ever played Monopoly with a bunch of women? Odds are unless you were playing strip Monopoly you didn’t have a good time. As fun as men are, even we can’t have fun while playing boardgames with Nature’s Kill Joys.

Women suck at boardgames.

They can’t read the rules because they’re fucking illiterate. They can’t explain shit to anyone — they can’t even explain what about the game they don’t understand so that you as a man can explain it to them in a condescending way. Is it more wrong to be condescending than just lie to someone who doesn’t understand “Roll some dice. Move that number of fucking spaces and do what the fuck the space tells you to for fuck’s sake?” It is if you’re a woman. That’s because women don’t even consider lying wrong at all. Technically lying and giving to charity are the same to women.

All boardgames work the same. You take a turn, you throw some dice, and then you move your little piece around; just like life. Women wouldn’t know how to move a piece around if a manual was attached to it — and in the case of boardgames, it is.

I played a game recently, I don’t remember what it was called, but it involved coming up with words that started with the letter ‘N’ as quickly as possible. I had never played it before, but as a man I know how to play all games. All men are built with a universal game instruction manual included in their man-brains. It goes like this:

1. Do not read the fucking instructions.

All games come with fucked instructions and reading them is a waste of time. Did you know the $500 bonus for landing on Free Parking isn’t even in the Official Monopoly Rule Book? You’re also only allowed to have one hotel. I’ve never heard of such feminised Monopoly Rules. Just thinking about that makes me sick.

It doesn’t matter what instructions say about anything, all you need to know is how to play a game the way it’s supposed to be played: manlily.

2. No practice rounds.

Women need a practice round for everything. They need a practice marriage, they need a practice job, they need an entire practice life to get all the fucking kinks out. Otherwise you just have a grown-up child-woman wandering around aimlessly chucking money all over the board when everyone’s just waiting for her to roll the fucking dice or start crying.

3. Women cannot multi task.

Women are complete shit at multitasking. Do you know what the purpose of boardgames is? Well I do because I read the back of the Scattergories box while a bunch of silly women were trying to figure out why several of the game’s instructions seemed to contradict one another. Here’s a hint ladies, you don’t understand shit.

The purpose of games is to fuck around with your man mates.

I can think of 26 points worth of ‘N’ words. Who the fuck cares? Did I win any money? Did I win another beer? No. Then who the fuck would count that as anything?

Women. That’s who.

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