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Little boys have fantastic role models — the best in the world actually. Steve McQueen, Ty Cobb, Hercules “Rowdy” Roddy Piper; all of them great men of integrity and dignity. And that’s exactly what the little boys who worship them become: great men of integrity and dignity.

Indiana Jones never aborted anything because he couldn’t hold a job that paid more than minimum wage. What would they call that installment exactly? Indiana Jones in the Welfare Miscarriage.

That would be a short fucking movie. [Read more]

Women are as adventurous with their culinary tastes as waiting in line for a ski lift — a ski lift that leads to the DMV.

Would the lady care for some calamari this evening?

Ew, gross! It’s squid!

How about some veal?

Ew, gross! I care more about baby cows than I do about the African children who mined these diamond earrings!

And everyone knows it. [Read more]

Women have ruined books.

First, they infiltrated books with their “romance�? and other literary promiscuities. Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, The Kite Runner; those are all obscene and rife with moral depravity. That last one is Oprah’s favorite tale about a little boy who gets raped. Who would read about something like that?

Women.

Then, when no one was looking, women turned books into magazines and slapped tampon ads all over them. I hope no one built a mini-mall on Hemingway’s grave. The constant movement of him spinning the fuck around inside will probably mess with the foundation. [Read more]

Every time I piss a woman off by being especially profound, and every time I get a piece of hate mail, it starts with the same thing.

“Good luck getting laid, you gay jerk!”

Why is it that women never threaten to take away a meaningful relationship or a decent conversation? Or at least a conversation that doesn’t need a new type of punctuation invented to be properly transcribed.

Apparently, when I say all women are whores, I’m a “gay jerk�?, but when women say it (or imply it in this case), they’re making the world a better place through name calling. [Read more]

It was recently brought to my attention that I have never weighed my manly weight in on the topic of watches.

Expensive watches are the manliest mancessories there are. Watches are twice as manly as old man clothes and ten times manlier than the manliest of Man Bags.

Here are my top ten reasons why. [Read more]

I’m disgusted by prejudice against men of all kinds.

Prejudice against women is common sense. They’re no good at anything. Of course it’s okay to be prejudiced against them. It’s okay to be prejudiced against throwing your money into the sewer for the same reason.

Men are better than women.

Hillary Clinton has no chance in hell of becoming the next president of the United States. The only reason she’s running is because women don’t want a black man in the White House. [Read more]

It’s time for another one of my Dick’s Manly Jokes.

What do you call a woman with nowhere to live?

Chaste? No. Nuns won’t fuck anyone (even though God says women are supposed to) and they still have a place to live.

What do you call a woman with nowhere to live?

Call her anything that starts with ‘b’ and rhymes with ‘bitch’. Homeless women are the rudest women with whom it has ever been my misfortune to share a street corner. They ought to be given homes just so their smelliness and grotesqueries are kept far away from children, and more importantly me.

Men are better than women at being homeless. [Read more]

The reason 20th century women have entered technology in shrew-nosed flocks isn’t because “oppression” ended. Socrates and Magellan were killed because they were interested in science. That’s the worst kind of oppression: oppression of men.

Death by hemlock and spear is also more oppression than any woman has ever been subject to.

Women love baking and cleaning. How is making them do it being oppressive? It’s like sending a disobedient child to his room with a crate of Twinkies, a keg of Cherry Coke, and more video games then God. [Read more]