Man’s Real Best Friend

Have you ever made beer? Probably. Your answer is “probably” not necessarily because of the question, but because you’re a man and women have brow-beaten men into answering with ambiguity over the course of several millennia.

“Yeah. This is probably me standing here. Why are you asking?”

Because why the fuck would she be asking? Ambiguity is good Manjo. Next question. Have you ever thought about making beer?

“Yes” is the answer to that. An emphatic yes. That’s because at least once in his life, every man has looked down at a glass or a pail of tasty-delicious brew and thought to himself, ‘where does it all come from?’ Just like a woman does when she looks at her thighs. I’m not sure because I have no frame of reference, but I bet the seat belts in Barbie’s Dream Mustang do not have a notch for Thunder Thighs.

Beer is a man’s true best friend and his only viable life long companion. Dogs don’t live long enough and women are for men what salt is to a slug. Alluring, shriveling death incarnate. Like the sirens of Homer’s Odyssey or a crumpled ten dollar bill in the middle of the road.

That’s why men invented beer. The powers that be didn’t provide an equal to man so he devised his own. A monument to all things man. A counterpart birthed in his own glorious image that gives constantly and consistently without ever asking for recompense. Just like a man. Beer is man’s gift to himself.

Let’s look at the positives. Beer makes all your jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive (something ugly women can’t do themselves because they’re too busy being feminists or “lesbians”). Beer is also cool and refreshing and a good listener — you have to drink a lot of them for that one to kick in, but it’s true.

My point is that men make beer and men drink beer for reasons that are so pure and manly that they make me want to stop writing immediately and go chop down a tree with an axe while I’m listening to political talk radio and telling my wife or girlfriend that I’m not dancing tonight or ever.

But I digress.

The reason I bring this up at all is two fold. Firstly because today is National Beer Friday, which is always the first Friday of October; and the second is to point out that there is no analog of beer for women. Women have nothing that sums them up in a nutshell in the same way that men have beer because there is nothing to sum up. Women would like to say each one of them is a beautiful flower or better yet or porcelain vase (completely empty inside, but beautiful), but I’ve never seen a porcelain vase in the shape of a bowling ball.

If women did have a beer analog, it would be crossword puzzles. Just a bunch of unanswerable, non-sequitur questions about nothing arranged in no order and for no purpose. Plus you have to wait a week after answering to see if you fucked up.

Here I’ve got a crossword for you.

7 Down: A fourteen letter word for feminists.