Big Fat Potatoes

Men are better than women at being coach potatoes. As a man I can tell you that this is certainly true. Whenever a woman sits on a couch she is the same frail ball of nerves and neuroses that she was behind the wheel or when she tried to “help” a man do goddamn anything at all.

When a man sits on a couch, however, he is one thing and one thing only — totally relaxed. That’s why a woman should never talk to a man if he’s sitting on the couch. Not only is she shrill, annoying, full of shit, and has nothing of worth to talk about; but that man is so relaxed right then he has actually relaxed his hearing completely. As a man, that’s his prerogative.

No woman does anything during the course of a day. Let me say that first. If you ask a woman about her day, she can prattle off a litany of shit, but that’s exactly what all of it is. Shit. Women can have productive days like a parrot can have a conversation with you. It’s just a repetition of the same crap it repeats everyday until it chokes on a handful sunflower seeds. Picking up laundry is not a thing that you did today. Neither is closing the door behind your fat ass when you got home.

That being said, we can completely throw out the notion that men are less active than women just because we’re better at relaxing. And not just because I say so! No, no. I have some full blown scientific evidence this time. Just like I always do.

A recent study that I’ll link at the bottom of this article says women spend more time than men sitting at home on their fat asses doing absolutely nothing. Big fucking surprise. Here’s another brain buster for you: don’t spit mustard all over yourself before you go on a date. You know how many people I needed to ask to know that? None. I’m a man and I’m able to think in terms of “why?” and “what if?” Men are the only species on Earth that have this ability. For instance, I can use it to ask myself why men relax less than women. Is it because we simply enjoy physical exercise?

No, because we’re working on a level of base survival here. We’re dealing with man at his most raw and efficient. Preference has nothing to do with it. It’s like women. Sure, there are some who don’t want to be useless pieces of shit. They would prefer to be respected. But guess what, Nature’s already strapped you to the ground sweetheart. Hope you like the view.

The real reason men are better than women at being couch potatoes is because men can actually relax.

When you’re a woman, there is no feeling of accomplishment. There’s no finish line or stairway to heaven that says, “Hey! You’re here! Way to go.” All there is a big hamster wheel and an alarm clock called a brain rattling the fuck out of the inside of her skull. Does that sound relaxing?

It means that men can be polite and can listen to other people’s problems, but it only means that we can get twice as much potato-ing done in half the time.

The Most Obvious Thing I’ve Ever Fucking Seen