Now You’re Talking Double Team

I was sitting in my favorite chair yesterday evening drinking a glass of Black Label and ruminating on the myths in our society. One struck me as being especially ridiculous.


‘Marriage,’ I scoffed — or at least I’m sure that I did. And any man will do exactly the same if he’s not afraid of having his balls ripped off by someone who has just finished a grueling 20 hour work week. I’m talking about women. Millionaires aren’t in the habbit of ripping balls off when people say the most obvious goddamn thing in the world.

Women do not age discriminate when it comes to their precious 20 hour work weeks either. After all, what does a 40 year old woman need with more “me time” than a 20 year old. It’s not like she’s done anything more with her life than nothing. It’s not like she needs time to think about anything. It’s like giving baseball players with odd numbers more strikes than the ones with evens. You have an 11? You get six strikes. It makes no fucking sense and it would be exactly the way baseball was played if women were in charge.

Women have no sense of hierarchy. They don’t have to work their way up the benefits ladder as we men do. As soon as women are mobile, they’re looking for somewhere to sit down — or lay down. Because they’re whores.

Back to marriage.

Marriage is a waste of money and a ticket to unhappiness and No Sex Town. Here’s another reason why.

No one woman can ever possibly fully please a man. None. Not one. Ever.

In the immortally misquoted words of the Queen of Swine herself, Hillary Rodham Clinton, “It doesn’t take a village to raise a child; it takes a village to keep a husband.”

Women just aren’t up to the three-fold tasks of pleasing a man, intellectually stimulating a man, and giving a man the precious emotional support that he doesn’t need at all and which I just said as a joke.

A classic joke.

Women can’t even do one of those three. Look at the smartest woman on Earth. What’s her name? The girl with the advice column. Dear Abbey? She’s a genius and her column is so boring that I can barely remember who she is and I also don’t read it. And how about pleasing a man? Forget about it. That’s a two woman job at minimum.

You know I’m right too. Last time you were having sex, who were you thinking about?

Exactly. That was practically two women at the same time. And that’s a thousand damn Man Points.

As far as I’m concerned bigamy is the only way to go. Yes, it’s “illegal”. Yes, it’s “frowned upon”. But reread your history books and you’ll be in for a surprise. The men of the past found ways around that shit. I think it’s high time we turn back the clocks.

The sex clocks.