Broken Glass, Broken Ass

I have never yelled at a woman in anger. The only time I’ve yelled at a woman was when she was about to do something dangerous to herself or to something expensive. That’s almost the same thing anyway.

The world is not covered in safety rubber; nor is it a plastic ball pit for little kids to frolic and pee in. It’s a dangerous place full of sharks and wolves and funny bone-whackers, and women need to kept away from that stuff as urgently as possible so they don’t hurt themselves.

I yell at women all the fucking time.

I was at a restaurant not an hour ago when there came a great shattering of glass from the table next to me. A plate had been thrown to the floor by a careless woman who handled her menu about as well as she handled her SUV. Standard fare for a restaurant and a bus boy was already on his way with a broom when someone started shouting.

“Jesus God, don’t touch that! It’s broken glass!”

That someone was me saving that ridiculous woman’s hand and possibly her life.

Women are obsessively compelled to pick up glass they’ve just broken. I would say that’s the dumbest thing anyone could possibly do, but my name is Dick Masterson and I have a website called I wrote the book on dumbness. Pleasure to meet you.

Afraid of Daddy

Women pick up broken glass with the focus and fervor of a child ravaging a pinata because they are all afraid of their daddy. Not you. I mean their actual daddy.

Women are sexual maniacs. Everyone’s heard of the Oedipus Complex, but no one’s heard of the reverse one because it’s ubiquitous as shit. Every woman has it. No one’s heard of a flying bird or a gross tumor for the same reason. They’re all fucking gross.

Women and their obsession with sex and their fathers is the only thing that could make them throw their hands at broken glass and think it’s a good thing. Frankly, I’m disgusted by it.

Not an hour ago, but five minutes later, I was in that very same restaurant in that very same seat and heard that very same sound. I was completely unsurprised to watch another woman hazardously pluck china fragments off the ground. I had already shouted and since that’s the best way to solve a problem, I didn’t bother trying anything else.

This woman actually struggled with the broom to get the big piece. Maybe women compulsively pick up broken glass because they think broken plates look like pie and not because they’re afraid their fathers won’t have sex with them.

Fuck it. I’m a man. I don’t have to make the choice between being a slut or a blind hillbilly. Men are better than women.