Wallow in It

Men are ten times classier than women.

A Very Special MABTW

Posted in Wallow in It on December 24th, 2005

This is a very special MenAreBetterThanWomen.com post about the man-meaning of Christmas, and how women pissed all over it.

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The Ubermensch

Posted in Wallow in It on December 12th, 2005

If a man is so inclined, he can learn everything he needs to know from one source: Superman. How to act, how to treat the less fortunate, how to live lies and lead double lives — it’s all there for men. That’s because Superman isn’t an alien from another planet, what he really is is the archetype for all men. Think about it.

Honor, strength, laser vision; I couldn’t pick three words that would better describe a man. That’s from Superman. Know what else is from Superman? Men are better than women. [Read more]

That’ll Still Look Hot When You’re 80.

Posted in Wallow in It on October 21st, 2005

When men get tattoos they are unique and meaningful. Men get tattoos like Waldo riding a comet across their backs, or two girls in bikinis lifting an anchor. That’s awesome. How about a Chinese character that means “bad ass”? Oh yea. Very manly. When women get tattoos it’s always the same shit: a rose on the boob that you’re not supposed to look at, or a target on the ass.

If men were as predictable and promiscuous as women when they got tattoos, every man would have a giant money sign tattooed on his bicep.

“Where’s my tattoo you ask? Let me show you. Hrrk.”

Fortunately for everyone men have a little thing called class. [Read more]

Still. Don’t Leave The Lights On.

Posted in Wallow in It on October 17th, 2005

Wasting things is pretty much the manliest thing you can do. Resources, women, food — hell sometimes I buy two lunches and throw one in the street just to remind myself of how brimmingly full my man cup is with macho maleness.

If you’ve never thrown a sandwich into the street, I highly recommend it. Unless you’re a woman. In that case you should eat it because no man wants to fuck a skeleton who can’t cook. Then do yourself a favour and hit a treadmill, you leviathan. [Read more]

Man’s Real Best Friend

Posted in Wallow in It on October 7th, 2005

Have you ever made beer? Probably. Your answer is “probably” not necessarily because of the question, but because you’re a man and women have brow-beaten men into answering with ambiguity over the course of several millennia.

“Yeah. This is probably me standing here. Why are you asking?”

Because why the fuck would she be asking? Ambiguity is good Manjo. Next question. Have you ever thought about making beer?

“Yes” is the answer to that. An emphatic yes. That’s because at least once in his life, every man has looked down at a glass or a pail of tasty-delicious brew and thought to himself, ‘where does it all come from?’ Just like a woman does when she looks at her thighs. I’m not sure because I have no frame of reference, but I bet the seat belts in Barbie’s Dream Mustang do not have a notch for Thunder Thighs. [Read more]

If A Woman’s In The Ring, She Better Be Holding A Number

Posted in Wallow in It on August 29th, 2005

Out of all the sports, boxing is one of man’s favorites. The art of pugilism. That’s what we call it, because men give nice legitimate names to nice legitimate things like knocking someone about with your fists. That’s an art on many levels. We also know a lot about the things we like; in this case boxing. Things like reach is important and just because the ref can call the fight doesn’t mean he should. And most importantly, women can’t fucking box.

Women boxing is just like women doing anything that requires strategy, talent, and being light on your feet; a fucking calamity. It’s so bad that I have to use a word that hasn’t been used in like eighty years to describe it. Women are a calamity in the ring. Women boxing is like women dancing. Just a bunch of wild swings and awkward gyrations to an imaginary beat that dogs can’t even hear and which pretty much always ends in blood and tears. And for what?

Since women can’t box, why in the hell did I wake up to see that on October 15th, a women is going to box a man. Holy shit. [Read more]

My Man Bag

Posted in Wallow in It on August 8th, 2005

Recently a series of unfortunate events has led me to a phenoMANol new invention. But before I discuss it in detail, I want to describe the misfortunes that befell me and led to its discovery. As all you men can clearly tell, what I am about to do is not ‘bitching about my bad day’ — a common woman practice that involves a monotonous screed of easily predictable follies and failures that plague a woman’s life.

What I’m doing is sharing the experiences that led to this great new invention: The Man Bag. [Read more]

The Car Says…Vroom

Posted in Wallow in It on July 27th, 2005

Women love purses and shoes and all kinds of other glittery shit that wouldn’t turn the head of someone in need of an exorcist. It’s true across the board too. Don’t let any woman tell you that she’s not into it — or anything else for that matter — because she’s lying.

There isn’t a single woman alive who can resist the charm of a cheap looking handbag made by a pack of orphans in another part of the world who are whipped and starved half to death everyday while they slave away over a pair of pink flip flops with little snowmen wearing sunglasses on the bottoms. [Read more]