Female Pioneers In Aviation

We’ve all heard of Paris Hilton and Lady Godiva — she was a noblewoman who rode naked on horseback through 11th century England in order to embarrass her husband, a shrewd businessman, for his oppressive road taxes.

Like self-esteem and a reputation that doesn’t involve the words “great” and “cocksucker”, roads don’t build themselves.

Or maybe her husband wasn’t taxing his people enough and that was Lady Godiva’s way of protesting the second grade silk she was forced to wipe her ass with. We’ve all seen women do far stupider things. I’ve seen a woman dump the contents of a cup all over herself because someone told her something was written on the bottom. I’ve seen a woman protest Hooters by screaming out in front of it with a huge fuck-off sign all day. That’s called Human Directional Advertising and if anyone ever needs a lesson on how to do it, ask that woman. I’ve never seen a Hooters so packed.

I’ve also seen a woman who thought she was a pilot!

Women have had a rich history of failure and embarrassment in the field of aviation. Men have never gone in for that sort of shit. We leave it to monkeys to embarrass themselves and when all the aviation kinks are worked out — and all the fried monkey is scrapped off — we climb aboard and kick ass.

Amelia Earhart

If you don’t count Paris Hilton or people who don’t shit outside, Amelia Earhart is possibly the most famous woman in history.

What’s she famous for? Getting lost.

At least flashing your snizz will get you a record deal. God knows Paris Hilton sings like Big Bird with a deviated septum — or maybe that’s what she looks like; I forget where the septum is and how big it’s supposed to be — either way, my point is simple: getting lost is worth nothing. It’s worth even less when you get lost doing something Charles Lindbergh has already done.

I accomplish more than Amelia Earhart every day when I successfully navigate my way to the bathroom to take a shit. I have never once gotten lost.

Kara Hultgreen

Kara Hultgreen should be on the Fuck Up Dollar Bill. That’s a special dollar bill I just invented of no exact currency, but which covers all debts incurred by wrecking another man’s Ferrari into a fucking telephone pole.

The Fuck Up Dollar Bill is a few hundred grand, and that’s exactly how much Kara Hultgreen wasted by being the first woman navy fighter pilot, and then promptly catapulting her brand new F-14 off the deck of the USS Abraham and into the goddamn Pacific Ocean. It was calm, it was the middle of the day, and the maneuver has been described as “routine” by male naval experts.

I’m not going to bore anyone with the technical details of the fuck up. If you want a theory on what happened, offer a woman some advice and wait until she slaps you in the face. Now imagine doing that with headphones, a decorated air force uniform, and a fifty pound flight manual in your lap.

“Pull out” means the same thing on an aircraft carrier that it does in the bedroom.

When the Navy was done finding absolutely no fault in Kara’s aircraft, they spent several more hundred thousand dollars pulling her off the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. If feminists ran the Navy, they would have nailed her to a cross.

That Psycho Lady-Astronaut

When I heard about that psycho lady astronaut going nuts over her boyfriend, I immediately thought of one thing:

Wow I bet that chick is slightly less lousy than all other women in bed.

I’m sure all men did the same. Maybe that’s how she became an astronaut. I wouldn’t put it past NASA to bring common-room whores up into the stars to combat boredom. Isn’t that why women are allowed in the army?

Lady Godiva
Amelia Earhart
Kara Hultgreen
Lisa Nowak