I Got a Rock.

Halloween is a holiday invented by men for the purposes of having a good time. There’s candy for the kids, general mayhem and hedonism for the adults and forgive and forget attitudes all around. You can do whatever you want on Halloween and no one cares. That’s the way it’s always been and as long as shrill, big nosed women are kept out of things that’s the way it will always be. Halloween is what Christmas was supposed to be before women forced stores to put the decorations on sale in September.

Women suck at Halloween.

If you get a woman drunk enough or catch her at the right time under a mess of fog and cobwebs, all of them will excitedly tell you exactly the same thing: Halloween is an excuse for women to dress like whores.

And what’s wrong with that? Look, I think a slutty nurse is as hot as it is farcical or unsanitary — whichever is funnier. Hell, the measure of a good Halloween party is exactly the quotient of women in slutty costumes to people in no costumes. Take a moment to work that out, it’s absolutely true.

My point is not that men should lead some kind of mindless crusade to end slutty nurses and perversions of revered childhood characters for purposes of shock value. Insane crusades that help no one and harm everyone are for women. We men don’t waste our time with that manner of nonsense. I’m simply pointing out that men are better than women at Halloween. Men are better than women at Halloween because men are better than women at everything.

How much creativity does it take to buy an outfit that’s a size too small and put on a whorey wig? None. Women do half of that every day, the proof of which is in the pudding escaping from halter tops all over the world like they’re Playdoh fucking Fun Factories. It’s disgusting.

At one of several Halloween parties that I was at over the weekend I saw a man dressed as the man in the big yellow hat. If you’re thinking that that has something to do with Curious George, you’re correct. What this man is saying by donning the bright yellow suit and matching twenty gallon hat is that he is a man of a quiet demeanor, yet also a symbol of stoic dependability. He’s not going to rock the boat himself, but he enjoys a good time. Hell he’s seen damn near everything there is to see while following a curious little monkey around the world in his curious little adventures and delighting children for the better part of a century. This is a man who is worth his weight in a scrap and is also a symbol of strength in family values.

His girlfriend was dressed as Courtney Love.

October’s Honorary Man of the Month (just in time too) is the fat woman I saw passed out against the bathroom door. She was dressed as a box of cereal. Thank you fat woman for going against your instincts and sparing us the pancakes.