Presto, Chango! Women Are Shitty Magicians

There has never been a good woman magician. Sure, women are important to magic, but that’s just like women are important to office work; they can wear short skirts.

Men are better than women at being showmen, but that doesn’t explain why there has never ever been a good woman magician. Surely Oprah could pop a trick or two out of her fat ass every once in a while. How about Ellen? Turning Anne Heche straight again was a pretty good trick wasn’t it? Or miracle.

Women make shitty magicians because they believe in magic. They believe in it with every ounce of black blood in their black hearts.

Take sending a quarter through a table, or turning a wallet inside-out or some shit; women believe that actually happened. They’re probably terrified by it too. I would be if I thought a guy in a bad suit and an even worse comb-over could force me to pick a 2 of spades twice in a row. Where does this power stop?

Luckily, I’m a man and I don’t buy bullshit on any level. That’s women’s problem. They buy bullshit like no one’s making any more of it. ‘I love you,’ means it no matter what, and turning an orange into some guy’s retirement watch that was just broken in a velour bag just a few minutes ago is some kind of fucking biblical miracle.

No, it’s bullshit.

Men are the purveyors of bullshit. We always will be because we’re not consumers of it, it’s that fucking simple. We purvey bullshit like magic and storytelling and telling little kids they’re doing a good job when any idiot can see they’re not, but we don’t buy it. We don’t walk around with our fairy tale diaries in hand, looking to add another fuck-up into the annals.

That’s why men are better than women at everything, including being magicians. Because women are so stocked up on crap, they’re chocking on it.