Why Do Women Make Shitty Musicians?

This question was sent to me by a reader and I appreciate it:

“Dick, why do women make such shitty musicians?”

I happen to disagree with the question. See, unlike women, men can disagree with things like questions and eye-rolls, even though they’re not technically statements to be disagreed with. It’s because questions and fucking eye-rolls and other bullshits are just like saying the same thing that is being implied. It’s the same.

Women always fuck that up. They think keeping their mouths shut gives them carte blanche to behave however fucking terribly they want.

Women don’t make shitty musicians. That’s like saying McDonald’s makes shitty Italian food. McDonald’s doesn’t even make pizza, what the fuck are you talking about?


Think of the greatest composers in history. That’s easy. You’ve got your Mozart and your Beethoven and your Mothersbaugh, but what about the not-so-greats? You could probably do some digging on the internet and if you were a woman you could convince a man to do some digging on the internet and then talk about the results like you fucking knew all of them already because as a woman you pull that manner of shit all the time. What you’d find in the annals of music is a sausage party so jam packed with men it belongs about a block from the airport.

Women are a fucking travesty to music. Music and women are natural enemies just like women and beer. Women fucking hate people having a good time and they’re outrageous control freaks. That’s also why women hate sex. They’re too busy orgasming to control it like men do, so it makes them bitter and full of spite. That’s also why they hate music. They consider it a form of rape. Ear rape.

Music isn’t like other professions either where a woman will occasionally slip through the cracks and actually be worth a fuck. That’s where I swoop in and charitably dole out a MenAreBetterThanWomen.com’s Honorary Man of the Month Award, while simultaneously man-ignoring all of said woman’s other fuck-ups. ‘Man-ignoring’ is when you behave as if you don’t know something, but you still keep it in your mind to act upon later and don’t throw your life off a fucking cliff like a lemming. Women only have one setting on their ignore switch. It’s either Behave Sensibly For a Few Days or Fucking Invent History as You Go! Fuck it!

Also, women practice too goddamn much to be any good at music. Practice is a silly and womanly thing. It’s just prancing around the sidelines while the real job gets done on the field — the field of music.

Here’s a good question: if women are men are equal, which they’re fucking not, but every fuckwit, idiot women on the planet wants to force feed it to young men halfway between breast and bottle; then why hasn’t there been a female Mozart? Why hasn’t some little girl hopped off her daddy’s lap and started jamming?

It’s because women completely suck at music. I’m sure science will prove exactly why someday — just like it proven women can’t read maps worth a fuck. Until then logic and man reason leads the way:

How many woman Mozarts have there been? None. Fuck you. Women suck at music.