Let’s Call a Spade a Spatula. Just to be Silly.

I awoke this morning with a powerful thirst to wrap my large, male brain-muscles around a myth that needs busting. So here it is: women hate nice guys.

Women hate nice guys?

That’s stupider than the Vagina Monologues.

Saying that women hate nice guys is like saying that it’s okay to drink in the workplace on days that end in “-day”. It’s annoying and redundant and stupid because all days end in “-day” just like all men are nice.

Bullshit, you say? How about no shit at all!

Think back on your own. When your car was stalled in the middle of a busy intersection, who helped you push it across? That’s right, a man. When you had something heavy that needed dumping behind a 7-11 — like a couch or a woman who passed out drunk in your backseat because she was trying way too hard to impress all of her whore friends; who helped you chuck it?

Kachuck — a man.

Has a man ever eaten half of your pizza and then made you play ten minutes of “I’m too stupid to do math because Cosmo said that was sexy” before chipping in? Fuck no, because that’s one of the most irritating games in the world and men don’t propagate that manner of horseshit. If he did though, it was probably extremely funny — something that women are also not and will never be.

In the practice of life, there is no struggle where a man won’t lend a man hand. Men will even help women, which is the biggest testament of all to our undeniable niceness. A woman, you see, will never ever offer any kind of ‘thank you’, so we’re pretty much doing it for nothing. She will just stand their clumsily with her uncharged cell phone and explain ad naseum how life did not prepare her in the least for whatever it was that needed doing. Wow, could you tell me something more obvious? Or should I say ovarious?

Speaking of that, if you had a Pog for every time that a man paid for a woman’s abortion (pretty nice considering it’s 100% her fault), you’d have a shitload of Pogs. It’s called responsibility ladies — who are absolutely forbidden from reading this. If you don’t want the cat in the cookie jar, close the fucking lid. Jesus.

By the way, if any of you men can think of something more helpful and nice than a man, please let me know. Purely for curiosity’s sake, the point has already been proven.