A Woman’s Shelf Life Is Not 30

A lot of people will tell you women are no good after the age of 30. It’s called a shelf life; the age at which the utility of a woman — the benefits of starting a relationship with her — no longer outweigh the staggering and nearly Herculean downsides. The second the clock strikes 12 on that fateful day, a woman’s skin wilts and her hands turn into wax paper. It’s not a pretty sight.

The real question is: is it true? Are women really that bad after 30? Should they be avoided at all costs?

No. Women’s shelf life isn’t 30. It’s 23.

You can’t fuck with women over 23 and I’ll tell you why. First of all, you have to keep in mind that no woman under the age of 23 has ever supported herself. She might have gotten a cute little job running errands for a playboy or selling clothes to other women under 23, but those aren’t real jobs. Real jobs have titles like Doctor or Junior Blank. Feel free to fill in that blank with your man-job.

At the age of 23, the real world hits women like a ton of fucking bricks going about a million miles an hour. That’s fine for us men. We’re made out of mighty man-putty. That’s why men are so flexible and fun to be around. We’re pliant and if you stick newspaper to our face, it leaves a copy behind without also acting like a total bitch about it for the next week.

Women, however, are as stubborn and stupid as cement mules. When real life comes tearing up the tracks of their 24th birthday, full of swearing and guys in suits who offer them 500 dollars in exchange for a blowjob for being in the obviously wrong place at the obviously wrong time, it shatters their fragile woman psyche.

As a man, psyches aren’t important. They’re a silly thing mostly left to psychoanalysts and other professions made specifically to pick up the pieces of things women have broken. Psyches are important to women though. And if they’re broken, women are fucked. They get all kinds of stupid ideas in their heads — kind of like opinions, but twisted and bent like you’re hearing them through a fun house mirror.

Women over the age of 23 have their heads screwed on the wrong fucking way and also have the threads misaligned so the screw in part gets all fucked up. That’s why college is such a colossal waste of money for women. It’s not like they need to learn anything. If women aren’t married by the time they’re 23, they’re fucked anyway. I don’t have the statistics for that on-hand, but I think it’s something like a woman over 23 has a better chance of being eaten by a bear on fire than getting married to someone who isn’t in prison.

Even if that’s not true, I’m not going to sit here and listen to anyone tell me women need to go to college to meet guys. College guys have parties and they don’t card hot women at the door for their fucking student IDs do they?

No, they don’t.