American Gladiators
“Now we’re getting serious, because next is the guys.” - Hulk Hogan, The New American Gladiators
The original American Gladiators was among the top imangination breakthroughs of the early 90’s, picking up right where Miami Vice left off in terms of awesome spectacle and manly attire. Like all men, I cannot possibly describe with words how excited I was to hear it returning this fall. I could only describe that feeling in explosions or the sound of women orgasming.
Like the original American Gladiators, I find myself torn on the series. Half of it is enthralling and gripping television, sausage-packed with suspense and triumph; while the other half just kind of wallows around in apathy, having no strategy, not really understanding the games, and generally having no purpose in life or on television.
Why the fuck are women on American Gladiators?
Women ruin half of American Gladiators.
Laila Ali
I could kick Laila Ali’s ass. I don’t care how much muscle everyone pretends is in her flabby, chicken-wing arms, but she’s no champion, and she’s certainly no boxer.
Her father? He was a champion. Hulk Hogan? He is a champion. No woman, especially one who couldn’t hold her own in a boxing ring against a writer just because he has a penis, is a champion.
I was disappointed to see that Laila Ali would be heavily featured in this new and “more extreme” version of one of my favorite programs, but I was immediately relieved to see that Hulk Hogan was given license to correct Laila on the merits of competition whenever he saw fit. Within the first two minutes of the show, The Hulkster had to remind Laila Ali that being an “American Gladiator Champion” was about more than 100,000 dollars. It was also about honor and integrity and several other things that I didn’t hear because I was busy telling the people I was watching with the exact same thing.
Single Mothers
Single mothers have no business on American Gladiators. A single mother loves her children enough to suffer for them, but not enough to win for them — and definitely not enough to get her flabby ass to the gym to train for a few weeks before battling she-males on national television. That’s the difference between men and women as single parents. A single mother will let you nail her to a cross, but a single father will carry that cross to a toy store and trade it for a new Nintendo.
Once again, my ire was soothed quickly in this new American Gladiators, when the single mother contestant tripped all over herself like a retarded person in the first event and was ejected from the game. Like I said, she loved her children enough to suffer, but not enough to win.
Next time, hit the treadmill.
Shemale Gladiators
I tried masturbating to some of the original female American Gladiators one time, and I can’t say that I found much use for it. This new wave is no different.
When designing a new classic, it’s important to look to the old classics. For example, basketball derived the principle of the shot clock from existing concepts in football, and that imangination breakthrough saved the sport. I suggest the same for the new American Gladiators. Let’s look back at the only three women’s sports in history that have stood the test of time:
1. Mud Wrestling
2. Foxy Boxing
3. Stripping
If your lady American Gladiator couldn’t pull a crowd in those three events, you need to get back on the casting couch.
Except for that black haired one “Crush”, which leads me to another point. No matter how “tough” or “successful” or “driven” a woman seems, they all want to feel like little girls. They’ll hand over the pink slip to their vagina if you can make it happen.
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January 7th, 2008 at 4:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
i don’t know from American Gladiators-
i’m just heartened to know that Mr Masterson has some frame of reference for the sound of women orgasming.
January 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: e5bf5d0eb9159
menarebetterthanwomen.com has an alexa of 85,950!! that’s fantastic..
http://www.alexa.com/data/details/traffic_details/menarebetterthanwome n.com
January 8th, 2008 at 3:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: d9438fe1c6108
@Tom, fantastic though that is, here’s what’s mantastic:
http://www.alexa.com/data/details/traffic_details/now.org
Compare and contrast.
Incidentally, menarebetterthanwomen.com has been as high as 30,000 in the Alexa rankings over the past year or two.
-wolfe
January 8th, 2008 at 3:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
That’s not just mantastic, or even fantastic, or even glorious..
IT IS MAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.
January 8th, 2008 at 4:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: e1caec5062137
the female version of american gladiators should be, American Cooking and Housework.
January 15th, 2008 at 7:16 am - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
i watched american gladiators last night (there was nothing else on- nothing. i swear.)
that chick monica really kicked ass.
she had the fastest time in the ‘eliminator’ ever, male or female.
she was really cute, too.
January 15th, 2008 at 9:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
I believe contending on gladiators is way too precarious for women. They might break a nail or blemish the polish for goodness’ sake.
- Trio Hellenique - Lefteris
January 15th, 2008 at 4:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Amusing. A woman saying a woman is great.
That is like two blind lesbians at a fish market.
THERE is good fucking analogy AND a name pun.
SUCK ON IT!
I didn’t watch American Gladiators last night. I was too busy doing constructive shit. Like making fun of people. Yeah, that is important.
Because of your lame post, I am forced to do this shit.
Logic: You say stupid shit. I am forced to make fun of you.
Conclusion: It is all your fault. And you are a women.
Answer: Stop saying stupid shit. Keep the Vagina though, it comes in handy.
So a female won. I may go have sex with my hand in a minute, but unlike you, I wouldn’t really call it a “win”. Then again, females are easily impressed……..that would explain Oprah and Dr. Phil. Something shiny, they go to shit. I might as well own a crow, same thing really. Lotta squawking, not much doing.
The secret to Victory over Feminazi’s:
Let them do whatever they want, whenever. When enough people are finally tired of exceptionally mediocre and retarded society, they will make those people go away.
They are, my friends, their own worst enemy, but still stupid enough to not understand it. Hence, exactly why they will not win. Place them squarely in the forefront of EVERYTHING they whine so much about not being “equal” enough to do. When the bullets start flyin’, the people start dyin’, and everything goes to shit, why now, Johnny Boy, EVERYONE will see exactly how stupid and useless they actually are……
January 15th, 2008 at 6:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
wow.
you’re on quite the tangent.
and you say women talk too much.
can we consider me beaten by your tirade?
put in my place?
and you can henceforth ignore me?
i’d much rather be told off by Zardoz…someone with some skill…
January 15th, 2008 at 9:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Yes, you talk to fucking much. Which is why I keep saying, “Feel Free to Shut the Hell UP”. Probably, because of your granite-like denseness, it seems to not penetrate you at all, so, just like YOU who sees no need to shut the hell up, even when wrong, I feel the need to overpost you.
BUT……I am not a Femi-Troll. YOU are.
Your weak fucking mind, and obvious inability to even REMOTELY counter my counter-arguments to YOUR feeble attempts at true and cogent discourse prove only that YOU can’t handle the heat in the damn kitchen.
Feel free at ANY time to either make a REAL poin, talk REAL ideas, have a REAL debate, or do ANYTHING other than fucking simply speaking because you have the ability to do so.
You were put in your place a long time ago, the only problem is, like most women who Troll through here, you are obviously not smart enough to realize it. Being pathetic is a given when it comes to women like you, and the fact that YOU are not fast enough to even comprehend it is what makes my victories small (beating on the slow ones, while nice, is not a challenge) but tasty nonetheless.
January 17th, 2008 at 10:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 5555d903153c1
King Wang - For fuck’s sake, shut up. It’s unintelligible men like you that give women the impression that they have the upper hand in the first place. If you are not a real man capable of dominating a real woman like Sushi, shut the fuck up, go back to school and learn how to handle your own in a debate.
January 17th, 2008 at 3:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Guerilla? I am obviously assuming you are (A)non-trained in useful English skills such as correct verbiage, and (B)you think Che was cool, and therefore, as a weak-minded female, must use a Communist leader as a source for typical FemiNazi naming. (Fascist Proof AGAIN about women)
Impressions are important, and you are piss poor publicly.
My impression (since you brought it up) is that simply put: Trolls are not amusing, but pathetic. Hello Troll.
I have already “dominated” Sushi. But that is because of my giant Man-Wisdom, not due to force. Only someone weak, such as yourself, would of course throw in “domination” when all I did was prove her idiocy, and dog-like behaviour. I need not “dominate” someone such as YOUR kind (not all women), because YOUR kind is not worthy of much challenge, only scorn and verbal spankings for being inferiour.
And only a useless FemiNazi would point out “domination” when men seek NOT to dominate, only point out stupidity to stupid people. As usual, the stupid rarely get it, but of course, the genius of man is to not educate the moronic, but for those smart enough to WANT to step up the Man-Plate of Genius.
Women do not have upper jack or shit, except an Upper Jaw to slap the fuck together with the Lower Jaw constantly and consistently.
Of which you are doing but not producing much worthwhile.
Those who are weak ALWAYS scream about how wrong the strong are.
January 17th, 2008 at 4:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
@King Wang- i’m just curious what makes you so sure Guerilla is a woman?
January 17th, 2008 at 7:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Because only a woman would assume she has THAT much right to speak……oh look there, you posted again…….
January 21st, 2008 at 4:27 am - IP Man-Hash: aa871a3792e9a
UFC…….Do you mean UNIVERSAL FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIPS ?
January 21st, 2008 at 4:34 am - IP Man-Hash: aa871a3792e9a
you can consider yourself henceforth smothered by my MAN SCROTUM.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: ea4f76f587863
Hey Dick,
I know a man decision is final but the man is greater than woman logo, you should change the color of the man and woman to black like the >
I’m a graphic web artist, a man of course, and being man, I’m confident in giving another man constructive critizizem.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: ea4f76f587863
Never try this with a women though…
Unless you want her to sick the power of the state on you.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: ea4f76f587863
Damn… some womAn is going to give me shit now for typing my own man language wrong.
I put women instead of woman
oops
Do u want 2 charge me with rape now or later?
January 29th, 2008 at 5:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Max, I appreciate the advice. The cover was designed by Simon and Schuster. The logo on my shirts, however, comes in both styles.
-Dick