This article also marks my appearance in the SuperFrat/Dick Masterson cross-over comic, as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective. Check it out for more reasons why thinking that women are shit at everything is a good idea.
While on Dr. Phil, I offhandedly referred to my work as the Art of Chauvinism. Little did I know how brilliant that was.
The Art of Chauvinism is the application of one simple universal principle: Men Are Better Than Women. It’s true from the day we’re born to the day we die. It’s true in every single facet and function of life. It’s true for the smallest of insects to the largest of professional wrestlers. Peacocks are better than peahens, men are better than women at loading a dishwasher, and Mars is better than Venus. If you spend enough time on Venus, your fucking face will melt off.
Chauvinism solves all of life’s mysteries and it will get you laid. But here’s something I bet you didn’t know. Chauvinism is also guaranteed to make you more money!
A recent study by the University of Florida reports that men who have sexist attitudes make $8,500 more per year than their pussy-whipped counterparts. That’s enough money to buy 42 decent prostitutes! 60 if you live near UCSD! In terms that even a woman could understand: that’s enough money to have sex almost every week.
Take that all of you obnoxious, uptight school marms out there with sticks up your asses and imaginary psychology degrees in your hands. The University of Florida just proved that chauvinists like me have no trouble getting our gear greased. If $8,500 can’t get you laid, no amount of “progressive pretending” will. That is because you are on a deserted fucking island with no women around for 500 miles. If one was any closer, she would swim the gap to take a bite out of your cold hard cash.
And save the “it doesn’t count if you pay for it” argument because men always pay for sex. Sex is the only reason we buy nice shoes. Sex is why Appletini mix is even sold in bars.
The study followed 12,686 men over the course of 30 years. Every ten years, researchers asked the subjects whether or not they believed a woman’s place was in the home. What they found was that sexism and an understanding of the basic principles, function, and application of economics go hand in hand.
Understanding money means understanding women.
Bet on a Nag
But what about the mixed-up broads out there who think their place is in the big scary world of business where men can, do, and should sexually harass them at all times? Before they blow it on pantsuits and Tina Fey glasses, these office sluts make $1,500 more per year than their less cunty sisters.
That’s a measly $1,500 for a whole year of anxiety, false expectations, and delusion. Men aren’t nice to you at work because they want to be your friend, ladies. They still just want to fuck you. None of us leave our penis at home.
That means anyone who believes in the superiority of their gender makes more money right? Not exactly, says I. Let’s review the numbers and watch the world’s only Chauvinist Detective crack this case like it’s a box of Franzia.
Chauvinists get $8,500 more a year.
Feminists get $1,500 more a year.
Women without jobs get married.
Women who figured out why God gave them a vagina get first crack at the extra $8,500 men like me make every year. And fuck, I’m happy to pay it. Like I said, sex costs money. I don’t walk into a bar and expect to drink for free. I don’t show up at LAX and start punching people in the mouth until they let me on a plane. I don’t approach a woman without figuring out how much time or money I’m willing to spend on nailing her.
Buy My Book
My book is worth it’s weight in gold. Reading the first sentence aloud will get every woman around you to shut her fucking gob. Silence is golden. Well now you can throw $8,500 real dollars on top of that metaphorical gold because my book is a training manual on how to think like a Chauvinist.
The Art of Chauvinism
Understanding money means understanding women. And chauvinism is all about understanding women. Women are dumb as hell, unreliable as shit, couldn’t staple paint to a wall even if you paid them not to, and will only fuck you if they think there’s a chance they can get at your cash. Pavarotti didn’t sing for free. Why would a woman fuck for free? It’s the only skill God gave them.
If something sounds stupid, a woman probably said it. If something needs doing, there was no man around to do it in the first place. If someone fucked up driving, it was probably a woman.
That’s chauvinism. That’s reality.
When studies that prove men are better than women come along, the theories on why men and women are still somehow magically equal are as abundant as they are retarded. “Employers only promote sexist men because they realize these men need to support their families and won’t quit for a riskier opportunity!” says one such jackass. “Chauvinist men are only interested in power,” pipes another. “So they’ll go to any extreme to get it!”
If businesses were run by Candyland supervillains, then either of those reasons would make sense. But they’re not so they don’t. Keep the bullshit on campus please. The reason men like me make more money than men who have a passport to the Friend Zone is because men like me know how the world works. Women are whores because they can be. If you’re going to make apple pie, you don’t want any fucking oranges.
Apples are better than oranges.
Whether it’s true or not, believing it will make you more money.