Dating: Where?
I personally cannot stand the topic of dating. Dating is something that silly people who think they have a treasure box between their thighs haven’t mastered by the age of 19.
That’s right, I’m talking about women.
But since I do get a lot of questions from young men on this topic — and since I feel as though I am a role model for each of them — I am going to take this entire Valentine’s Day week and even some of next week to talk about how to date in a manly way.
Rule #1: Don’t do it.
Being a man means approaching every problem as though you are going to kill and eat it. That’s why men are great at fixing motorcycles and not great at reading stupid romance/mystery novels where the mystery is, “why don’t any of these people ever get Chlamydia?”
When fixing a motorcycle, you gut it and you throw away the bits you don’t like. But before you do that, you pick a spot where taking apart a motorcycle and getting oil all over the place isn’t going to piss a bunch of people off and lose you a cleaning deposit. The first step of dating is the same: pick your spot.
Recently, I had the chance to speak with this bitch who runs an escort service for millionaires. She’s got a show on the Bravo television network alongside other hits such as “Real Housewives of New York City” and “Make Me a Super Model”. As Nickelodeon is grouped thematically by programming for children, so is Bravo grouped by programs catering to desperate women. Except for Inside the Actors Studio. That show is great.
According to Mistress Millionaire, who can’t even convince her own boyfriend to marry her, the first thing I was doing wrong in my love life was not picking the correct places to pick up women. When asked, I replied that I meet women “everywhere”. I found her response to be a bit crass and immature and I said as much.
Here’s a statistical fact that I don’t think any of these yentas for hire or romance gurus are aware of:
51% of people are women.
That means that no matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing — unless it’s quite technical or of a crucial nature — you’re more than likely to encounter a woman. In fact, the odds are that the next person you encounter is going to be a woman. And that is consistent no matter how many people you have met or whether you intend to meet a woman or not. I never intend to meet a woman, yet 51% of the time, I do.
If it looks like a sales pitch, it probably is.
Women sell each other bullshit to get through their miserable lives like bullshit is the antidote for having a vagina. The foundation for the house of bullshit that makes up the rash of man dating manuals in the recent literary world is that women have some control over getting hit on by their dream guy — a millionaire with a penis that needs as much attention as Punxsutawney Phil — through a series of minor life changes and rituals.
There is only one ritual a woman can do to increase her chances of getting sexually harassed by the right guy: hit the fucking treadmill. Everything else is the equivalent of a magician wearing a cape, top hat, and charging to see a trapdoor work under a spectacle. It’s all bullshit that serves no purpose other than to dress up desperation.
Has Bill Murray ever been on Inside the Actors Studio?
The point is, going to specific places to meet members of the opposite sex only works because going anywhere to meet members of the opposite sex works. They’re all over the place. The last new girl I had sex with, I met while she was picking up a To Go order at a Thai food restaurant. Before that it was a girl with a glittery shirt at the Santa Anita Racetrack. And before that it was walking down the fucking street on a Tuesday evening. What’s the correlation to that blue streak? Places that have ‘R’ in them?
If I was selling romance advice to women, that’s exactly what it would be.
Bars are mostly full of whores, but not always. Dog parks are mostly full of neurotic cunts who would throw you under a bus to save their pug, but not always. Sometimes there’s a whore or two.
Women are like currency. You never have enough, it’s best to wash your hands after handling, and most importantly: they’re everywhere. Just stop every once in a while and pick some up.
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February 11th, 2008 at 9:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 2661c7e4f3b3c
Nice article, i’ll throw you that money for the billboard end of this week Dick.
February 11th, 2008 at 10:40 am - IP Man-Hash: 86642c3f666e5
Damn Dick, I’ve seen that show. I’m glad I’m not the only person that thought it was a total joke of a show that just shows a greedy whore feeding on the desperation of other greedy whores. Nice article, you hit the nail on the head.
February 11th, 2008 at 1:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: fd03a4ec04f82
Now that was interesting. I’m glad I don’t date anymore. A girl apparently flashed her privates at me on New Year’s and I didn’t really notice. I did notice her expansive chest and that she wanted frantically me to take pictures of her.
Move to Asia, girls throw themselves at foreigners. Taiwan is a nice compromise since the girls have all gone to college and university.
Then again, what do I know. I’m married to a redhead from BC.
February 12th, 2008 at 6:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
I LIKE WHAT DICK SAID “”Women are like currency. You never have enough, it’s best to wash your hands after handling”". but at some point you cant expect money to grow from trees, you have to make more of it, but you have to initialial approach them woman if we as men want to have sex, usually it just take another wad of cash though. :)
February 12th, 2008 at 7:39 am - IP Man-Hash: c7d23fcc862e5
I’ve found that giving that “special valentine” a cooking apron with hearts on it (or some endearing catchphrase) confuses the hell out of em. It’s already purchased for $14.99 as that’s my limit.
February 12th, 2008 at 9:18 am - IP Man-Hash: ba89f5eba2b91
Nice article Dick. I was waiting for you to write a commentary on that stupid show. If you didn’t I was going to do it myself. That show is right on the pulse of how women behave in America. The millionaire guys on that show don’t have a clue. They spent all their lives earning millions, which left no time for mac’n on girls. So there they are, dollar rich and girl poor. And what’s worse is they are trying to get a clue from a clueless woman whose boyfriend won’t marry her. Is there any wonder?
I wish there was a way for me to get in touch with those guys. My advice would be simple and go as follows – grow some balls and get off that show. The only exception to being ball-less was the jerk owner of Les Deux. His game was just to get his face out there, do some publicity for his businesses, and if he got some booty out of it then that was worth the “membership fees” he paid in. Great businessman. Bad lady’s man. He’s since been “kicked out.”
ALL of the women on that show are whores. Let’s think about it for a second… it’s a millionaire’s club. Does this mean the women are millionaires? Of course not. Not yet. But if they play their cards right and line up that divorce, they soon will be. So they are in it for love? Yep. They sure are. That show is about a bunch of whores’ love for money. -The Rooster
February 12th, 2008 at 2:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3829b22695cdc
Where does this bitch propose that men pick up women?
February 13th, 2008 at 1:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 17d5247e842be
Dick, I have to agree with you on Bravo shows. Awful stuff. Anywho, how exactly do people sale pitch “bullshit”? Of course, I’m not going to have too much knowlegde on this subject, especially considering I’m only fourteen-years-old.
Oh, and also, on your second-to-last paragraph, I think you made a mistake. Places are usually filled with “whores”, but not always, there’s a whore or two. Was that sarcasm or a mistake in typing?
February 13th, 2008 at 7:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 098d1a8788d98
Fuck dating. I’m a girl and I think this site is fucking amazing. I was reading the hate mail in the forums and you’re right, women are crazy. By women getting all offended and whiny about this site, they look like idiots. Get over it females! It’s mostly TRUE!
February 14th, 2008 at 3:18 am - IP Man-Hash: 70f2d04481458
you are GOD! I take Everything I hear with a grain of salt, your site as well. I am a very slow careful and very socially observant person and you have just summed up what it took me years realize and understand. I won’t follow everything you say religiously but after this article I will look to your words first before I make a decision. Taking in what you have said, aside from the sarcasm, you have hit the proverbial head on the cynical nail. peace and thanks to you.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 93a3b988c9b2b
Bravissimo Master Dick a superlative personification of “the knowledge of many condensed by the wit of one”.
I only use big words to piss off those ugly femmos who think we men are thick.
February 19th, 2008 at 6:03 am - IP Man-Hash: c55ccf06a9381
You said
“What’s the correlation to that blue streak? Places that have ‘R’ in them?”
It also appears you only get laid on days that end in the letter ‘Y’.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4aba00bf66121
The whole lot of you loser men that took all the time to comment on this measly little subject, haven’t ever had your brains fucked out, without having to pay a pretty sum for the pleasure.
Stop whining, get some surgery and start going to the gym !
It aint our fault you’re a loser.
Whine away.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: fff69eb7c9496
It’s kinda sad you need sex to give yourself worth.
April 7th, 2008 at 3:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5e454fb194205
wtf is this bullshit site?? its just full of crap and nonsense go fuck urself dick and get a life
April 7th, 2008 at 4:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Betas get self worth via sex.
Titans walk into sex effortlessly and build Empires. A new one is having it’s birth pangs as we speak.