The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth
Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.
That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.
That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.
That was another pun.
Is it okay to cry?
No, it’s never okay to cry.
Unless it’s after something really moving, right?
No.
My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…
There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.
Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.
Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.
A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.
Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.
Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.
Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.
Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:
1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.
Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.
When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.
And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.
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November 13th, 2007 at 12:03 am - IP Man-Hash: ceeb4e25bbf8e
Uh, no. You’re wrong on the whole stalking count - I don’t believe in the golden pussy, or vagina worship in general.
Poor, poor catered little girl. Wants me to do her thinking for her.
November 13th, 2007 at 12:09 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
So stalking translates to a “golden pussy” mentality or “vagina worship”?
Think before you speak.
November 13th, 2007 at 1:52 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Clair if you really think the only area men get screwed is family court, your dumber than I thought.
November 13th, 2007 at 3:28 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Go on elaborate. Give me more examples where men are at more of a disadvantage then women. I’d like to hear more, I may agree with you.
November 13th, 2007 at 3:42 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Hiring practices for anything government related. The best applicant regardless of gender or color should be hired. In the US quotas are met.
November 13th, 2007 at 4:00 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
So what you’re saying is that men are having troubled getting hired, in a male dominated sector? Ok then, I can’t argue with where you are, it doesn’t happen here though.
So we have 3 examples where men are disadvantaged more so than women. Is that all we have?
November 13th, 2007 at 4:36 am - IP Man-Hash: 49c2078a44a9b
Neither am I.
Fight the power!
November 13th, 2007 at 4:39 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Lol, ok.
November 13th, 2007 at 4:46 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Is that all we have? The court system basically fucks every guy out their every way. This has all been explained to you a thousand times before.
What you need to do is comprehend a world beyond your own instead of passing off advice. Hate America because your country follows the stupid bs we do here.
Necro fight the power for what?
November 13th, 2007 at 4:49 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
I don’t hate America. I hate no country. However, I am biased and love mine most. But the rest are equal.
Anyway, so I’m assuming that is all you have,right? Why are you getting you knickers in a twist anyway? I’m just curious. I wanna hear what you have to say.
November 13th, 2007 at 4:56 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Clair every damn country is founded on laws. Most of them favor women. We have discussed this over and over.
November 13th, 2007 at 5:16 am - IP Man-Hash: f32d1ac5471cf
You really believe that? I sure as hell don’t. My dad who is a senior vice president of a company told me he *does* prefer hiring men *BUT* this is only when the tasks involved require physical work. Why? This is because women today cannot handle the simplest of manual labour. Move a bunch of boxes? No, my nails will break. Climb up that ladder? I am afraid of heights.
What kind of bullshit are you trying to pull? I sure as hell don’t believe women are discriminated against in getting jobs. Its fair competition. If the man gets it, it is because he is more competent in some way or another.
November 13th, 2007 at 8:18 am - IP Man-Hash: 49c2078a44a9b
Don’t know.
Just amused me.
November 13th, 2007 at 11:06 am - IP Man-Hash: d7677dd907e52
Schools have been catering specifically to girls for almost twenty years now. At least they’ve been trying to. According the US News and World Report, despite the educational system trying to cater specifically to young girls, the girls are in worse trouble than ever, becoming more violent and highly sexual at younger ages. Young boys, however, rallied in the adversity of a system that now largely ignores them, and are doing better than ever.
And as far as women being looked over for jobs? Well I know that if I had a company, I would probably pick the man over the woman, but not because she has a vagina. It would be because…
The man is far more likely to be competent, the man is far more likely to be on time, the man is far more likely to have some semblance of loyalty and work ethic for the job at hand, and I have a far smaller chance of having to deal with eventual maternity leave.
I would hire the man because he is BETTER FOR THE JOB. Men are naturally awesome workers (as well as naturally awesome everything else.) Who wouldn’t want the man?
Hell, even ask women. Your average women who calls for a repairman and find she received a repairWOMAN is disappointed.
November 18th, 2007 at 8:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 49b112f37c44e
I have something to say to beth or whatever her name really is. Look What I really think is men in a way really are better, but women have their fine points but Number1. Most of the time women are to emotional Number2. Hilary played the gender card which angers me she is setting up boundaries between genders which I knew she would I hypothosized that she would, when she started running for presidential office. And what annoys me is how the double standard like if a man is raped by a teacher(female) they do not take is as serouisly as if it had happend to a member of the female gender. And in medival era men are the only ones that went to war women and children would just be shielded by the man. And men can say women are whores but can still be a headrosexual just because you call a women a hoe or such dosen’t mean you do not enjoy them because the word love holds no meaning women only like two things is he cute? is he rich(money)? No one cares really about each other I live in florida and there are pimp’s hookers prostitutes or strippers and tons of crime and such but where did the love go? Women along the lines turned on their shield (men) have done so much feminism is fucking dumb because what if men do the same More Men’s Rights! women are too sensitive most of the time they thought they didn’t have equal rights and were juged unfairly but that is not true we in times are always juged unfairly gender or race dose not matter but I am not sexist just tired of the sensitivity Tho in my opinion women are works of art. And also I admit women are creators of life but also I think Dick sees women as pets because he dosen’t hate women but makes issues of inferiority well can be viewed as inferiority. And also I think dick made this website cause he is tired of the female baggage cause it is also the issue of African Americans (Black) Blacks don’t feel equaled to white but that is not true And tv television shows, I saw a Television series that is only about African Americans and It is just about daily life people (Black) just getting jobs and being sucessful I mean do they have to broadcast it that they can be sucessful we know they can be they are still realing from past hatreds. When can be bury the Hatchet? This is sensitive that all it is Defending and attacking.But about the pet thing I said I meant that as you have a dog you love him but in your mind your family comes before him you don’t value him as much in truth all life should be valued equally.
November 18th, 2007 at 9:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 49b112f37c44e
Also have something to add Amazons is the first real incounter of feminism they would kill only males and cut theirs penis off and shove them into the mouths of who they cut them off from the truth is we need each other do not resort to genocide here!
November 23rd, 2007 at 5:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 229d4917d5ae1
thats why your a virgin
November 25th, 2007 at 2:02 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
You want a man to do your thinking for you? I think you just burned yourself Amber.
December 18th, 2007 at 1:03 am - IP Man-Hash: e0f131a688f70
So does this mean you worship dick?
December 18th, 2007 at 2:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 1f7154d3e05e0
Do you go around worshipping sexual organs? Wtf is wrong with you?