Expect the Unexpected…ly Stupid

I was sent the following question by a reader Mark.

“It’s pretty much inevitable that I’m going to have to deal with woman coworkers someday. In these times where women almost always have the legal upper-hand, what advice would you give to young people entering the job market?”

Believe me I have plenty of advice for young people. I’m a man so good advice shoots out of my mouth like a bee hive packed full of honey.

Young people are fucked when entering today’s job market. Shows like Ally McBeal and Futurama, which feature female characters written by men who don’t fuck up constantly like real-life women, have just about brainwashed today’s youth into satire. Here’s what to expect.

Repetition

The first thing you should expect when working with women is to have to fucking repeat yourself like a hundred times a day. See, women don’t listen the same way men do. Men can hear something, remember it, and then classify the information they heard as bullshit, funny stuff, important stuff, or trivia. You remember it and after thinking about it for a man-second, you will deal with the information accordingly.

Women, as I’ve previously discussed, have the memory of tractors. They can’t remember, so they have to do all that processing in real time; like snapping your fingers in front of a toddler’s face to take a picture.

What that means is fuck you. If something is important, you have to say it in it’s entirety to a woman so she can figure out that it’s something to remember. Then you have to repeat it again so she can remember it, and finally you have to repeat it a third time so she remembers who said it.

Creative Fuck Ups

Even with your mighty man brain, you cannot predict the “clever” and unorthodox ways in which women will completely fuck up. Just like you can’t figure out the wrong answer to 2 plus fucking 2. Is it 6? Is it airplane? Who fucking knows.

Sometimes it’s just marginally stupid, like repeating the same fuck up six times and expecting the last to work. But sometimes — sometimes it’s a real brain buster. Like a woman pouring an ink jet cartridge into the paper feed, or a woman addressing 500 envelopes to your office because she thought the return address went in the middle.

Conclusion

Always expect a fuck up when dealing with women in the workplace. Especially if you’re giving them something easy to do like show up at 8 or get you a wake up call at 9:30. Unless it’s typing something that’s already on another piece of paper or stacking paper plates, do it yourself.

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