Men are better than women at breaking up with women.
In fact, men are so much better at breaking up, that they are better than women at breaking up period.
I’m not talking about not endlessly crying and the lack of suicide threats either. I’m a man so the first thing that comes to mind when a relationship hits the fan isn’t getting dumped, it’s doing the dumping.
Dump! In your face!
Men are dumpers there’s no doubt about that, and we do it in the most efficient way possible. We treat women like shit.
What better way is there to tell someone a relationship is broken? Don’t say by telling her “like a man” or by talking about it because if you do, you have to fuck off my website. That’s a woman thing to say.
Here’s a funny notion. How does your television tell you it’s broken? Does Gregory Peck jump on the screen and tell you it’s time to go to Best Buy and saddle the Visa Express? Does Samuel Beckett leap into a television store with a big stupid grin on his face? No.
How did Gregory Peck get on my television if it’s broken?
The womanliest and therefore stupidest way to end a relationship is to talk about it or tell anyone about it other than yourself. It’s your relationship. Fuck it. Relationships are dead because communication is dead. I haven’t watched two years worth of Oprah and I can’t line my kitty litter box with Cosmo covers, but I can still tell you that. I’m a man and my entire day revolves around communication so I know a fuck or two about it. It’s the most important part of business and that includes the business of “doing it” in a monogamous fashion.
I also know that communication is the least important part of telling someone anything about never wanting to fucking see them again.
Here’s another good way to break up with someone. Cheat on them; like seven times if that’s how many it takes to get caught. You’re a man and therefore very sneaky by nature. You’ll probably get away with it a few times just because you’re talented.
Men cheat all the time not only to send the message loud and clear that a relationship is over, but also because it very charitably makes them out to be the bad guy forever and ever. What better parting gift could a man give to a woman he has shared special moments with than to completely exile himself as a villain and a rogue in her eyes? That kind of feeling warms women’s hearts. If Tiffany’s could staple a shitty rhinestone to that feeling, it would be Valentine’s Day’s first Tickle Me Elmo. If Santa Claus were a woman, he would just give every woman the gift of her ex-boyfriend being a drug-abusing, date-rapist, hypnotist with no penis.
Men are better than women at breaking up because men live in something I like to call the real world.