NOW Is Useless (And Fucking Old)
NOW, the National Organization for Women, turned 40 on Tuesday. If NOW is anything like regular women (and it is because it’s completely fucking worthless — that’s clue number one) it means NOW spent today recovering from a dozen Cosmopolitans and half a dozen rejections from local 25 year olds.
Guess whose bed NOW sneaked out of at about 8:15 this morning. That’s right; your best friend’s.
Is there some kind of organization that analyzes other organizations on how they’re run and how effective they’ve been at meeting their goals over a period of years? Let’s say 40 in this case. If there is, a man invented it and men are in charge of it. Women think goals are like butterflies. They chase them around aimlessly and if they fly away they had a grand time anyway so fuck it.
I decided to found one of these organizations. I call it Dick’s NOW Probe. I’m a man after all, so I can both found and be in charge of things.
To start, I needed to identify the goals of NOW. What does a National Organization for Women do? Does it run a newsletter of hot sales on handbags and shoes in the area and a list of men who have recently come into money? That would do more for women than any other fucking women’s organization has in the last 50 years.
It turns out no. This is the purpose of NOW as taken from their website:
“Our purpose is to take action to bring women into full participation in society - sharing equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities with men, while living free from discrimination.”
I’ve got a number of problems with that, but my first problem is where on my monitor do I draw the big fucking F for Failure after wiping off the beer I spit all over it laughing my fucking ass off? The answer is nowhere because wrecking your own stuff to make a point doesn’t prove anything. Ask women who give themselves anorexia. They’re still fucking failures even when they’re 80 pounds and their hair’s falling out. What point was proven there!
My second problem is who phrased this dumb fuck mission statement? Beetlejuice? For those of you who don’t know, I’m not talking about Beetlejuice the cosmo-star or Beetlejuice the poltergeist. I’m talking about Beetlejuice the retarded fucking midget who used to be a regular guest on Howard Stern’s show before his untimely passing.
Beetlejuice didn’t write the mission statement of NOW. Women did. That’s why it sounds so fucking dumb. What in the fuck does bringing someone into full participation with anything even mean? Have you ever heard “bring into full participation” ever in your life? Hey let’s call Danny and bring him into full participation with this card game! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
My second round of investigation led me to the main page of NOW’s website. My purpose: to determine if their news and action items were in line with their mission objectives. This is the first item I found:
Keep Fighting for a Minimum Wage Increase
A (two dollar) minimum wage increase would do more harm to women than an organization run by fucking women could ever understand. The second earner of a dual income household — the woman — is taxed so heavily under current rate structures a minimum wage would be completely unnoticeable and wouldn’t even cover the cost of hiring a nanny. The only thing this will help is the chances teenage men have at getting laid.
That’s two failures and Dick’s NOW Probe is done. Congratulations NOW! You’ve achieved more than most women. You made it on my website and that’s pretty much it.
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August 24th, 2006 at 5:19 am - IP Man-Hash: de67bec4e9a38
You are so right here and the above statement is so wrong. They are concerned with gaining special privledges and the hell with equal rights and they live to avoid responsibilties and stealing opportunities from men while causing as much trouble as they can for business.
NOW is the epitome of all worthless whiney-assed women in the world.
That’s what they do, they whine and complain and teach women how to whine and complain, like women need help with this natural ability. NOW is the worst organisation on the planet. Damn them and anyone who serves their BS.
NOW stands for NAGGING OLD WHORES..
August 24th, 2006 at 5:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 109bcf0dfd9d2
We can all see that you don’t though.
August 24th, 2006 at 6:58 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
That phrase is hilarious, but I think that the women of NOW outdid you this time:
HA, that was some funny shit! Since when have women ever tried to share responsibility about anything?
August 24th, 2006 at 11:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
@Billy
Just so.
Back to Dick’s editorial,
Indeed. You correctly note the taxation impact, though leave unsaid the other half, namely that a two dollar increase in the minimum wage would result in many people no longer being worth hiring, particularly the young and inexperienced, the stupid and lazy, and women who’ve been out of the work force.
If a company makes a profit hiring someone at $7/hr, but loses money paying them $9/hr, then either the job or the company is going to disappear once the managers and shareholders (often pensioners and retirees, many of them women!) are tired of subsidizing failure.
Sadly, this will disproportionately affect women, though it will probably be good for talented inexperienced men and women.
As usual for an organization like NOW, a bit of an own goal.
-wolfe
August 24th, 2006 at 2:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: edfb6bcb6703e
And company today are forced to hire women knowing that won’t get there money’s worth out of them. Men are forced to pick up the slack at the same pay as the deadweight.
August 24th, 2006 at 8:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 49c9ff889fded
Actually the mission statement as written sounds like a noble goal. Regardless of who is better than who, (someone should start a website where people could hash that question out) for a person to be considered property or chattel is probably not ideal.
The problem I have with the stated mission statement is that NOW is heavy on the rights and opportunities but a touch lite on the responsibilities.
Increase the minimum wage? Don’t even get me started. How is this sharing in the “responsibilites?”
This leads to the next question. Given the mission statement, how do they define success? At what point can they say, “we have succeeded in our goals.”
August 24th, 2006 at 10:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 25c30fba78690
Actually, I would prefer the old “women make less than men” canard.
That way women will have full employment, as business will hire only women, pay them less, and put the competition out to pasture.
So, why has this not happened? Because they don’t make less than men! As far as the minimuim wage, of course it will cause more unemployment, as several preceeding me point out.
Nagging Old Whores. GeezusHKeericed, wish I heard that one yesterday, before I was in a meeting with the lobbyist for NOW in the FU-WA (Feminist Utopia of Washington State)
The Geezer
August 25th, 2006 at 5:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 0b3aa3d373c2a
You had to meet with those hags? Pity you. I hope you stirred them in some way.
August 25th, 2006 at 5:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 2996c9539f8c7
NOW is looking sadly wrinkled and dusty these days.
As a consequence of the releases of several large dating and domestic violence surveys an examination of the stats published on the NOW web site was in order. Turns out that they are still using stuff from 1992.
NOW is a vitual corpse. The only things keeping it moving are the maggots that are slowly eating it away from the inside.
Rest assured it will keep flopping away for a few years yet and continue to kill the odd innocent who wanders into it’s path.
August 25th, 2006 at 6:00 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
For our American brothers, an ‘own goal’ is a term used in REAL football (what yankees call soccer) where a team scores the ball in the wrong goal. Scoring an ‘own goal’ is usually done inadvertently, but it gives the other team a point.
August 25th, 2006 at 4:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0b3aa3d373c2a
For our American brothers, an ‘own goal’ is a term used in REAL football (what yankees call soccer) where a team scores the ball in the wrong goal. Scoring an ‘own goal’ is usually done inadvertently, but it gives the other team a point.
Thanks for that info but those us south of the mason-dixon line don’t like to be called yankees.
Lol
Btw I played real football until those crazy Foreigners(Arabs/Mesicans) took it over. They have terrible manners. When I found myself wanting to fight the entire opposing team I decided it was time for me to quit.
August 25th, 2006 at 5:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 455b1e890fbf3
I offer my sincere apologies, I had no idea that the word had any other connotations. I am not from the USA, and I know there is a baseball team in New York that goes by that name.
Oh, that line you had about crazy foreigners, I didn’t think it was cool.
August 26th, 2006 at 10:54 am - IP Man-Hash: 85eaeaa69c999
I offer my sincere apologies, I had no idea that the word had any other connotations. I am not from the USA, and I know there is a baseball team in New York that goes by that name.
Oh, that line you had about crazy foreigners, I didn’t think it was cool.
Sorry maybe it was a bit harsh. But those Arabs were bad sports.
I gave up football(soccer) because of their unsportsmanlike conduct.
June 25th, 2007 at 11:45 am - IP Man-Hash: 18c7a28f6040f
NOW is complete shit. I never heard of it until I read this article. But thats what makes is complete shit.
June 26th, 2007 at 7:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 0094d6a695ff1
I’m proposing something shocking.
I think their goal statement may have been written by a man, maybe a gay friend of one of the participants who tagged along because he had absolutely nothing better to do at all and maybe there was some free food to be had. He was sickened, as any man would, by all the bitching and nattering and told them to take a break. I think he even may have, probably as a male prank, left us all a little clue.
Take another close look:
sharing equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities with men
He put in “responsibilities” just to let us know that the girls didn’t, indeed couldn’t, write this screed.
Also, it’s not 6,000 words long, which is another dead giveaway!
June 26th, 2007 at 10:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Mantastic observation!
January 26th, 2008 at 11:37 am - IP Man-Hash: 704442c4e98b2
You’re useless. Bye assholes.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9623ac8098b53
Very good article Dick and very well written.
One mistake. I beleive you meant the word write insted of right in this particular sentence.
“Beetlejuice didn’t right the mission statement of NOW.”