NOW Is Useless (And Fucking Old)

NOW, the National Organization for Women, turned 40 on Tuesday. If NOW is anything like regular women (and it is because it’s completely fucking worthless — that’s clue number one) it means NOW spent today recovering from a dozen Cosmopolitans and half a dozen rejections from local 25 year olds.

Guess whose bed NOW sneaked out of at about 8:15 this morning. That’s right; your best friend’s.

Is there some kind of organization that analyzes other organizations on how they’re run and how effective they’ve been at meeting their goals over a period of years? Let’s say 40 in this case. If there is, a man invented it and men are in charge of it. Women think goals are like butterflies. They chase them around aimlessly and if they fly away they had a grand time anyway so fuck it.

I decided to found one of these organizations. I call it Dick’s NOW Probe. I’m a man after all, so I can both found and be in charge of things.

To start, I needed to identify the goals of NOW. What does a National Organization for Women do? Does it run a newsletter of hot sales on handbags and shoes in the area and a list of men who have recently come into money? That would do more for women than any other fucking women’s organization has in the last 50 years.

It turns out no. This is the purpose of NOW as taken from their website:

“Our purpose is to take action to bring women into full participation in society – sharing equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities with men, while living free from discrimination.”

I’ve got a number of problems with that, but my first problem is where on my monitor do I draw the big fucking F for Failure after wiping off the beer I spit all over it laughing my fucking ass off? The answer is nowhere because wrecking your own stuff to make a point doesn’t prove anything. Ask women who give themselves anorexia. They’re still fucking failures even when they’re 80 pounds and their hair’s falling out. What point was proven there!

My second problem is who phrased this dumb fuck mission statement? Beetlejuice? For those of you who don’t know, I’m not talking about Beetlejuice the cosmo-star or Beetlejuice the poltergeist. I’m talking about Beetlejuice the retarded fucking midget who used to be a regular guest on Howard Stern’s show before his untimely passing.

Beetlejuice didn’t write the mission statement of NOW. Women did. That’s why it sounds so fucking dumb. What in the fuck does bringing someone into full participation with anything even mean? Have you ever heard “bring into full participation” ever in your life? Hey let’s call Danny and bring him into full participation with this card game! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

My second round of investigation led me to the main page of NOW’s website. My purpose: to determine if their news and action items were in line with their mission objectives. This is the first item I found:

Keep Fighting for a Minimum Wage Increase

A (two dollar) minimum wage increase would do more harm to women than an organization run by fucking women could ever understand. The second earner of a dual income household — the woman — is taxed so heavily under current rate structures a minimum wage would be completely unnoticeable and wouldn’t even cover the cost of hiring a nanny. The only thing this will help is the chances teenage men have at getting laid.

That’s two failures and Dick’s NOW Probe is done. Congratulations NOW! You’ve achieved more than most women. You made it on my website and that’s pretty much it.

Related Articles: